Don’t Be An Idiom

Posted: April 12, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

We are not proud of what we bring to you today. Yes, it may be funny. Yes, some parts may entertain you. But it is a copout. Our head writer is feeling sluggish and uninspired so we…sigh…had to go to the vault, to the days before Dan Eats Cat Food was even a twinkle in KT’s eye, to pre-glory. What we bring to you is a fetus, brewed in the past from immature minds and immature boys, some parts edited to more accurately fit who we are now. Those parts will be italicized for your convenience. Yes, it is funny. But what it stands for – utter lack of inspiration – is so much more terrifying. May we pray this is only a fad. And now? We begin.
From the day we’re born, we’re fed lines of shit from people older than us. “Don’t lick the electrical socket.” “Get your hand out of your pants, you’re 7.” “Finish your homework before you masturbate to German Schiesse porn.” “Get your hand out of your pants, you’re 18.” “I have no son.” “Get your hand out of your pants, you’re at college graduation.” It all just gets old. What’s worse are those stupid proverbs that they try to tell to mask their intense disappointment in your choice to become Satanist because your girlfriend dumped you the week before prom and God it hurts and you just want to die and…anyways, they’re a pain in the ass to listen to. I’ve thus resolved to strike back against the archaic advice and decipher them as only a true failing comedian can. Poorly.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder: Unless she’s cheating on you. Then just cut the bitch.

All for one and one for all: Isn’t that how all good gangbangs get started?

An apple a day keeps the doctor away: Depends on how hard you throw it. And whether you can define “apple” as “cinder block”.

Beauty is only skin-deep: Yes, but beauty is also inversely proportional to amount of said ‘skin’. This does not apply for fat chicks.

Beggars can’t be choosers: The fuck they can’t. I’ve never heard a beggar accept credit cards.

Better late than never: Tell that to Planned Parenthood.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts: Because it’s probably VD. Or a fucking wooden horse filled to the brim with soldiers, you dumbass.

The cure is worse than the disease: AIDS doesn’t count.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you: That’s ridiculous. I’m not just gonna go up, smack someone’s ass, and fuck everybody.

A dog is a man’s best friend: Only if you discount Spankwire and Kleenex.

Don’t judge a book by its cover: Okay, as long as the cover isn’t fat.

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth: Counting her teeth will just piss you off. Plus keeping away from that mouth might be wise.

The early bird catches the worm: You damn right. I think this was meant to be witty. It wasn’t. I’m sorry.

Early to bed, and early to rise, makes a man wealthy, healthy and wise: And pisses the hell out of his roommate.

Experience is the best education: Yeah, but you can’t get a GED at the University of Whore.

A friend in need is a friend indeed: This is also known as the “fuckbuddy”.

The grass is always greener on the other side: Well, that’s what you get for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn.

Great oaks from little acorns grow: That explains Yao Ming. Yeah, we’ll go ahead and throw in racism as a tag now.

Haste makes waste: Also known as running with diarrhea. God…

He who hesitates is lost: This refers to the question, “Honey, does this make my ass look big?”

He who laughs last laughs best: And also probably has an extra chromosome.

Honesty is the best policy: I’m looking at you, (insert cheating celebrity here).

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again: I could make a joke about rape, but I’m a better man than that. So we’re gonna move on. No, we aren’t. It’s a rape joke. It’s talking about rape. There’s nowhere to move TO.

If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride: That sounds vaguely like bestiality. How?

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone: Ah, the calling card of the emo.

Laughter is the best medicine: Except penicillin, that stuff kicks ass.

Lightning never strikes twice in the same place: Unless you’re really unlucky.

Little strokes fell great oaks: Oh really? I agree. Again, funnier back then than it is now.

Many hands make light work: No shit, Sherlock.

Misery loves company: So that’s why there are so many damn Goths running around these days.

A miss is as good as a mile: Yeah, and it probably puts out more, too. What? Just…fucking WHAT?

The more the merrier. Bukkake anyone? Class.

No pain, no gain: That leads to a slippery slope, let me tell you. Oh, haha. BDSM. Hilarious. HACK!

Nothing ventured, nothing gained: Kinky.

Once bitten, twice shy: Damn straight. I always tell the girl before blastoff now.

One rotten apple spoils the whole barrel: It’s called, “Pass the Clap.”

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure: The answer to abortion. Again. Class.

Out of sight, out of mind: No name, no commitment.

People who live in glass houses shouldn‘t throw stones: No shit. Who throws rocks indoors anyway?

A picture is worth a thousand words: Especially if those words are evidence in a pedophilia trial.

A place for everything, and everything in its place: Unless you plan on being adventurous. What? Oh, anal. Got it.

Practice makes perfect: We’re just getting rid of this one. It wasn’t nearly funny enough.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating. Why am I reminded of a rim-job? We aren’t going to apologize for this one.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions: Well, that and the souls of the damned.

A rolling stone gathers no moss: Unless you’re talking about Keith Richards. That guy’s fucking ancient.

The show must go on: You best limber up beforehand.

Silence is golden: Now, why is it that every time I say that, I get slapped?

There’s more than one way to skin a cat: Yep, it’s called a Brazilian Wax.

There’s no accounting for taste: Funny, my ex said that.

There’s no place like home: Unless you live in several places. Then there are.

Time heals all wounds: Tell that to Christopher Reeve.

Two heads are better than one: Hence, male supremacy.

Waste not, want not: Says the copraphiliac. If you’re using the word to be gross, use the right word.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do: Colosseum, orgy, vomitorium, repeat.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks: What about “play dead”? *click*

You have to take the good with the bad: Sex with a supermodel, then whoops! AIDS!

Honestly, some of these were recoverable. Some were not. But you know what? This is what you get when your founder requires processed foods and alcohol to be funny.

We’re sorry, folks. He’s just a little cranky. Next time will be much nicer. – ed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s