Acronyms And What They Mean

Posted: April 9, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , ,

Ohhhh man. That was a great little drunk sleep. How long have I…HOW THE HELL DAMN IS IT FRIDAY? Oh God. That means I’ve been asleep for four days! What could have happened in that period of time? France could have exploded! Mariah Carey could have been repeatedly violated with a beer bottle! Some punk rock dude I’ve never heard of could have died! Oh…wait one of those already happened? Eh. Two out of three avoided ain’t bad. Poor Ms. Carey. That must have hurt.

Anyways, even after having just awoken from what appears to have been an actual coma, I can still produce gold. Or silver. Fine, it’s fucking bronze okay! Are you happy? It’s bronze!

Fine. It’s not bronze. It’s like tin covered in a light layer of brass with…

(Will you fucking get ON WITH IT? – ed.)

FINE. God. Today we’re going to explore the Internet a bit more, much to my chagrin. Everyone knows some basic acronyms have have begun to pepper everyday speech, online or not. Hell, we probably have used them ourselves occasionally. AND THAT MAKES US SHEEP. Using acronyms in real life as they exist on the Internet is the equivalent of wearing a helmet while walking around in public with your dick hanging out. It says to everyone “I am retarded. I am out in the world against the will of my caretakers. I should be in medical restraints to prevent me from biting”. But what if you use them on the Internet? Are they…okay there? You know what? Why don’t you tell me as we explore the world of Netcronyms.

(That’s not a real term. Also it sounds like you’re making up euphemisms for having sex with dead people. Let’s try avoiding that this time. – ed.)
IMHO (In My Humble Opinion): Too long has the Internet been populated by people spouting off ignorant and retarded statements and then finishing them off with this acronym, attempting to deflect the blow they tried to land. I’m sorry, but sounding like an opinionated cockbag makes you sound like just that: an opinionated cockbag. Don’t try to say “Oh well I humbly believe this”. No, you don’t. You don’t humbly believe ANYTHING, you dick. Just fucking say “This is right because I say it is” and be done with it.

LOL (Laugh Out Loud): Oh, for the love all that is good and holy. This damn ‘nym needs to die. Now. It is thrown into nearly every post, status message, AIM message, Facebook message, Tweet, forum post, LiveJournal entry, text message, email, snail mail letter, phone call, face-to-face interaction, dream sequence, movie title, song lyrics and chant to summon The Dark Lord Balaghalcxcxacahghmz that exists these days. It has not only been robbed of its meaning by goddamn stupid-ass teenagers but has come to be the literary equivalent of saying “like” every, like, three, like, fucking, like, words. You know why this happens? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY PUT STUPID IN THE WATER! “LOL” is supposed to mean that something is so entertaining that it makes you laugh out loud. It does NOT mean “I need to make it look like I’m kidding or what the hell I’m bored and this is a little funny or hey, I don’t want to piss anyone off so this goes in”. THAT IS FOR TODDLERS, YOU FUCKS!

(Breathe, KT. – ed.)

LM[F]AO (Laughing My [Fucking] Ass Off): Just as bad. Not quite as damn ubiquitous.

BRB (Be Right Back): I must confess that I do occasionally use this one when talking to friends, usually if I’m just stepping out for a moment to take a piss or grab a drink or a little snack. I do NOT use it – as many do – as an excuse to leave a damn conversation with no intentions of coming back. I have been involved in more conversations where the chat was going very well, the bitch used “BRB” and then just LEFT, her computer signing her out an hour later, leaving me wondering if she ever meant to come back at all. Just fucking leave if you’re going to leave. Don’t be like a hungover morning. Puke or don’t puke but go with it either way. Just make sure it’s noticed.

FTW (For The Win): This is an odd one. It was born in Internet culture so it’s already a little off in the head. Not too much, of course. Not like bathing in the front yard screaming “I BARE MY SOUL AND BODY AFORE GOD, CHILDREN AND MAN!” More like refuses to eat beef because the animal hormones will cause him to grow bullnuts. In any case, it’s odd. FTW was originally made to reference game-winning shots in first person shooter games and has since mutated to apply to anything that might be (seriously or ironically) considered a “kill shot”, including a particularly funny or caustic forum post. FTL (For The Lose) is its Siamese twin. They are attached at the crotch. They may already be kissing. I…bleh. Moving on.

A/S/L? (Age/Sex/Location?): Ah yes, the call sign of the pervert. More prevalent in the late 90s/early 00s when chat rooms were still all the rage, this acronym was thrown around whenever one-on-one chat was desired. Asking age, sex and location helped to define the person on the other side of the screen in a vague mental picture. Most of the time, this was used before engaged in cybersex. The world was different then. There was less fear and paranoia about perverts so perverts could run wild, having cybersex with 16-year old girls (read: 45 year old sickfucks). It was a simpler time. Can’t say it was a better time though.

IRL (In Real Life): If someone uses this one, they don’t know what it is.

WTF (What The Fuck): A common one, especially in this day and age. If something is confusing or weird or bizarre enough to shock even this jaded Internet reporter, WTF will suffice. It encompasses the entire range of human emotion: fear, horror, amusement, sadness, and possibly arousal which in itself deserves a WTF. Don’t tell your momma about this one and for damn sure don’t lie about what it means. It only takes your mom writing a “What To Fix” list to her supervisor once to get you an assbeating.

1337 (Leet = Elite): FUCK. THESE. GUYS.

Ahem. Now that you are aware of some of the most basic of the Internet acronyms, STOP DAMN USING THEM. Seriously, you make us all look bad. It’s like what rabies does to the human mind except in writing.

(This…was an angry one. – ed.)

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