Dan Eats Cat Food Presents: The Kids’ Show

Posted: March 30, 2010 by kaostheory in Dan Eats Cat Food Presents
Tags: , , , , ,

Due to circumstances beyond our control, the article we were going to run today has to be pushed back. Apparently, MSNBC isn’t too happy with us representing them as Satan-worshipping heathens. I guess they’ve never heard of satire.

(That…wasn’t satire, KT. You straight called them that. – ed.)

In any case, we now have to go back to the video shelves and pull out another one of our failed TV pilot shows. This one is…Kitty Nosh. It’s a kids’ show. Kids’ show? I never heard of this one. Hey, Ed? When did we do this one?

(Oh. Oh fuck me. KT, why don’t you just go and put that one back? We had a lot of lawsuits – some still actually pending – come about because of this one. Maybe we shouldn’t put it back into the public eye. – ed.)

Are you kidding me? We absolutely need to do this one now. Lawsuits equal awesome.

(I disavow any knowledge of this happening. Do what you want. I don’t even care anymore. – ed.)

Carte blanche. Sweet. Let’s do this to this.
———
00:01: Alright. We have pretty cheesy credits, all different colors, looking like paint getting thrown onto the screen. “Kitty Nosh” in green and yellow and red and blue and purple and orange. It’s like a clown ate a box of crayons and puked it up. It’s a little blinding. Man, this had to have been done in the 80s. That paint detail is amazing though.

(That was actual paint. We broke a thirty-thousand dollar camera for one credits sequence. – ed.)

00:06: That was like…a five minute credit sequence. Seriously. I wish that was hyperbole. That was literally five minutes. By the end it was kind of just petering out and having the screen flash a few times while the music looped in the background. It’s hard for me to even describe the experience. Kind of like a haunted calliope, I think. The music like…shifts into a minor progression about halfway through. It’s almost dirge-like. A little creepy, not going to lie.

00:07: Okay, we have kids sitting in a circle, waiting patiently. Nice little multicultural melting pot here. Oh, look! Balloons! Neat.

00:08: That is a lot of balloons. Holy God. There has to be…there has to be about a thousand balloons there. Maybe two. The kids are starting to look a little nervous. Those things are still coming. How can you fit that many balloons into one studio? That’s seriously gotta be bending the realm of physics just a bit.

00:10: And here’s the host. Um. Something about him seems…off. It might be the suit. It’s a neon pink and hangs really tight on him. It’s like he raped and killed Mary Kay to steal her suit. I really hope that isn’t what happened.

00:11: What in the hell is wrong with his voice? It’s a cross between a credit card scraping the outside of a tree and a dolphin mourning the loss of its child. And that catchphrase? “Well, diddle my dentist”? That’s less “humorously wacky” and more “pedophilic overtones”. I want those kids to get out of there, I think.

(Yeah, that was a problem we had too. – ed.)

00:13: Today’s lesson is WHAT? There’s no way I heard that right. Let me rewind.

00:13 (again): Holy shit. I did hear that right. Today’s lesson is “How To Make A ‘Scarenig-“…I can’t even finish that. How in the hell…? Who wrote this? David Duke? How in the hell was this even produced past this point?

(We wanted to see how bad it would get. Call it masochism or just wanting to see how much depravity our investment would create – ed.)

00:15: What now? Oh, wonderful. We have big cuddly mascots. We have a turkey and…I don’t even know what that is. It looks like an aye-aye. With mange, maybe. Ugh. Well, at least they’re…wait. Nope. They’re taking swings at each other. It looks legit. Of course.

00:17: And the big heads come off. Oh it’s a DOMESTIC dispute! Fantastic. Kids love being reminded of what’s going on in their home. And love hearing “cheating cunt” being thrown around on television too.

00:18: Whoa. Damn. I wasn’t expecting the dude to just haul off and punch her. I think he broke her nose. There’s a lot of blood on the stage now. The kids are just kind of groaning and trying to avoid it. They’re not running though. I am starting to get the suspicion that they may have been drugged.

00:22: Okay. They got the pair off the set and are cleaning up the blood. The host is sitting on a giant train engine. He’s drinking from a flask. Some of it is spilling down his face. It looks clear so I’m going to assume it’s vodka and not like…lighter fluid. He’s also rubbing his crotch and groaning. This is beyond weird at this point.

00:24: Oh good. Great. When in doubt, add more balloons. It’s hard to even see the children now. Oh and the host is laughing maniacally. Peachy.

00:25: And there’s his dick. GodDAMNIT.

00:28: Fire alarm now. After THREE STRAIGHT MINUTES OF HIM WAVING HIS DICK AROUND, the host finally set fire to the set. NOW the kids are screaming and running around like decapitated chickens. Wait, one of them hit the set. It’s falling! Oh God!

00:30: Final credits scrolling over the director bending Nurse Anne over the spread table. Fantastic. What a way to go out.
——–
Why is it that everything we try to create ends up being a disaster, appalling, criminal or all three?

(I wish I had the answer to that, honestly. It would have saved us money. – ed.)

Do we have more of these horrible things locked away?

(Uh. No comment. – ed.)

DO we? ED! You fucking answer me right now!

(Goodbye, everybody! – ed.)

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