The Doctor Is In #4

Posted: March 29, 2010 by kaostheory in Mailbag
He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

Aw yeah, son. After a nice long soul-searching expedition to get his life back in order, Dr. Awesome McKickass is back and awesomer than ever. This is McKickass 2.0 or even 2.1. He’s that awesome now. We know you’ve been waiting for it. The doctor…is now in.

I have to ask, where did you go off to, leaving us sans awesome?
Brian in Indiana

– I will first say that I am sorry. I did not mean to be away for so long, only like three, four weeks tops. We had some issues with the authorities who were way uncool about everything.

Authorities where? What did you do?
Nick in Alabama

– I’m not legally able to say for either of those right now, just because the charges are still pending. Let’s just say that the Icaraguan-nays aren’t too fond of people who ave-hay ex-say with ooker-hays in the residential-pay alace-pay ourtyard-cay.

So how is Ruffles doing these days?
Ricki in Dallas

– Oh, he’s…fine. Right now we’re trying to handle a mixture of “failure to thrive” and some good old-fashioned puberty. If he’s not curled up in a heap crying, he’s humping everything that’s not nailed down and some stuff that actually is. I’ve used more spackle in the past few days than I have in years.

Does Dr. Awesome McKickass know how to cook or does he hire someone to do that for him?
David in Jacksonville

– You frontin’ on me, holmes? Course I know how to cook! Just you watch. I’ll be bringin’ a fine lady home, sitting her down in the living room with a glass of ’59 Riesling, even letting her put her feet on the coffee table even though I smack Ruffles with a newspaper if he does the same thing, then go into the kitchen and whip up some crab rangoon, manicotti with homemade sauce and a damn tiramisu. We’ll eat then go a-bangin’. Truth.

Uh…you’re sounding more thug than usual these days.
50 in Compton

– Yeah, my apologies for that. What with having to throw down against cholos in Chino and drinking mezcal till my eyes went clear, I sort of developed a lingo spiced up with some colorful phrasings and aphorisms. Call me multicultural.

You do know he said “thug” and not “Latino”, right?
Felipe in St. Augustine

– Yes? I mean, yes, I do. I guess I’ve done more in the past while than I thought I had. Memories blending together like…like putting hamburger and chicken breasts in a Cuisinart and turning the fucker on to “Puree”. I’m…not really sure where this metaphor is going, to be honest.

At the risk of getting far, far more detail than I want…has Awesome been getting much play recently?
Alexis in Texas

– Your fears are not unwarranted, Alexis! Awesome has been – and currently IS at the time of this writing – buried all ten inches deep in a lovely British woman named Eileen. She enjoys cricket, shrimp on the barbie and sheep but does NOT like spotted dick. She likes MY dick instead. Spotted can suck one.

First off, you’re actually in a relationship? Secondly, you listed a British thing but then confused that with Australian and confused THAT with New Zeal-ish. Poor show, old bean.
Blake in Stratford

-First off, did I say I was in a relationship? No. I said I was balls-deep in Eileen. Not that I was dating her. If you must know, she’s engaged to that Wayne Rooney fucker from Manchester United. She just likes to get a bit of Awesome all up inside her every now and again. It’s not non-awesome to remember a name. It’s basic courtesy, you limey asshole. Second, why in the hell would I know to separate all you accenteds up? You all sound the same. Sexy. You know the score.

That sounds…marginally xenophobic, Doctor.
Nancy in California

– Does it? I thought it sounded more SHUT YOUR DAMN FACE.

I find it very hard to believe that some university gave you a doctorate degree. You seem wholly too sociopathic to practice medicine.
Harry in Nevada

– Who’s practicing medicine? I’m practicing awesome. And I don’t judge you for being a raging butthole. Don’t judge me for being a Doctor of Kicking Ass.

What would you say to the allegations that you are just a surrogate for some psychotic’s unconscious mind?
Georg in Berlin


Um. I mean, that’s absolutely ridiculous. Even deigning to answer your question insults not only me but the entire McKickass family. You have in effect taken a piss on an entire bloodline. I mean, sure, the Tudors did it but they were royalty. What’s your excuse, doucher?

Just for the record, I am real and I am awesome. It’s the damn honest truth. It’s time for me to go rock some faces off with my rock band, The McKickass Clan. Until next time, remember to stay awesome, even in the face of assholery. Peace, love and bitches.

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