How To Deal With An Overly Aggressive Animal

Posted: March 28, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , ,

We here at Dan Eats Cat Food love the thrill of the hunt. Skulking through the woods, dressed in black cashmere, balaclavas making our handsome visages, multiple knives strapped to our arms and legs, a crossbow hung on our back. We love the fresh night air, the solitude and the latent homoeroticism present in spending the night camping out in the woods with three other dudes, all spooning for warmth inside one tent, the night becoming uncomfortable when two of you rub bozacks together on accident. Most of all, we love that first splash of blood, hot and thick, erupting from the throat of whatever creature we have attacked like a pack of rabid wolverines. We feast on the meat as is. No fire is needed. No words are spoken. Just primal, animal grunts.

God, I miss high school.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, right. Advice. Okay, so sometimes when you’re hunting, you may come across an animal that is overly aggressive. Oh sure, you don’t want a bear just rolling over, letting you slice into his gut like some big furry bitch. You want a battle. It makes you feel alive. And we’re down with that. But problems do occur when the animal becomes too aggressive and legit tries to smash your ass. This won’t do. Here’s a step by step guide to make sure that you make it out of the encounter with as few ouchies as possible.
When first you come face to face with a violent creature, you must assert your dominance by striking it in the face. Seriously. Just haul off and smash that sumbitch right in the kisser. The pain and sudden burst of activity should stun the animal. As it reels, trying to regain its sense of equilibrium, feel free to taunt the creature. Give it the finger. Thrust your crotch violently at it. Roll your hips and perform a kick ball change into a grapevine while forcefully grasping your loins. Feel free to experiment. Remember: this is not the only part of the fight. It’s a process. If you establish early on your supremacy, the later steps will be much easier.

Next, as the creature is stunned, wrestle it to the ground. This one really depends on the size of the creature. If it is massive, it may be easiest to jump onto its back and lock in a strong chokehold to subdue it. If it is merely large, rushing it and performing a leg sweep should get the momentum necessary to send it crashing down. Medium-size should be able to be taken down with a suplex. Make sure it doesn’t land on its neck though. Death isn’t part of this game. Not yet. Smaller creatures should be able to be knocked to the ground just by a shoulder block to the chest. Finally, tiny ones should be picked up and slammed. Not powerbombed, mind you. Again, no death yet.

Once the creature has been knocked to the ground, you have to get it drunk and quickly. This step is key. Once you have it intoxicated, the next steps are a cinch. Pour as much liquor down its throat as possible. Seriously. Just fill it up to the gills. Don’t worry about investing in nice stuff like Patron or Glenlivet or even mid-range vodka. It’s a fucking animal. Please. Bargain basement rum or, hell, even diluted grain alcohol should do just fine. The important thing is that it is drunk.

If your creature is drunk now as it should be, the next step is simply thus: fuck it hard. Just like…rail the thing. Put as much power as you have in your pelvis into your thrusts and just wreck it. Tear that shit up. Ruin it for anyone else who would ever want a turn. It is your property right now and real men FUCK their property. Not make love. Not tenderly sex up. They FUCK it then go smoke a cigar, kick back a shot of whiskey and flip off the rising sun. Be a man for once.

Now that your creature has been properly fucked, you absolutely have to be sure to leave early in the morning. If you get caught by this animal being still there in the morning, you’re going to be in trouble. You’ll have to talk about your feelings and where this relationship is headed and can’t you please just stay a little bit longer we can have sex again then I can make you breakfast and take you to work just please don’t leave me here all alone it gets so lonely in this apartment. Bad news bears. Slip out unnoticed and feel confident that you made it out alive. Don’t brag. Lesser men than you have died pointless deaths.

After you have gotten away, remember that you are not going to call in three days. Yes, that may be part of the custom but let’s be honest here. You got what you wanted, it was passable if a bit drunken and messy, and you don’t have any interest in reconnecting with the creature. If you don’t call, it will be assumed that the hunt was a one-time thing and that will be that. But if you DO call, you will be rekindling something you probably don’t ever want to rekindle. Just saying here.

If you made the unfortunate mistake of both fuckin’ a mentally unstable creature and leaving your number AND forgetting to wear a jimmy hat, at some point down the line you may well have to take the next step of ignoring “pregnancy” phone calls. Do not pick up the phone. Oh for the love of God, do not pick up that phone. Once you do, you are going down a dark path from which there is no exit, save death, abortion or a fortuitous miscarriage. Well, that or the creature is faking it in which case you doubly don’t want to pick that phone up. Stay out of that sinkhole of mental illness.

If you see the creature in public, avoid it at all costs. The last thing you want is a big public blowup with the creature screaming in your face to be a man and take some responsibility for your child you thoughtless son of a bitch and you shoving it down and bolting as fast as you can in the other direction as it cries and demands you come back. I mean, just go get some fucking Dunkin’ Donuts if you have to. Those are always good. Plus they come with an extra side of “won’t try to cut you in your sleep”, which is a plus.

Finally, as you hear the news of the creature sadly killing itself, hold a moment of silence for the fallen. It’s the least you can do.
This one was an allegory! You want to know what for?

(I think we got it fairly quick, KT. – ed.)

It was about…

(We got it. Seriously. Way to piss off literally half of our reader base. Well done. You dumbass. – ed.)

It was about one night stands!

(I hate you. So much. – ed.)

You like the line about “property”?

(Seriously. Shut up. – ed.)

Anyways, deuces!

(DAMN IT! – ed.)

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