Rejected Controversial Video Game Cut Scenes

Posted: March 26, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
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(Come on, KT. Out with it. – ed.)

Don’t wanna.

(You owe them an explanation. You know you do. – ed.)

FINE. God.

Readers, I apologize for my absence recently. Some very bad things happened and…do I really have to?

(Say it. – ed.)

FINE. God. I wound up, after a lot of drinking and soul-searching and being egged on by Pred3000 and Raybestos, burning down the campus of a prominent SEC school and…defecating on the ashes. Then burning the ashes, defecting on them again and flipping them the bird. I am sorry for my actions and I promise I won’t do it again. Because I can’t. Because the school is gone. Happy?

(Eh. Happy enough. Get on with your article. – ed.)

Finally. Anywho. Throughout the years, video games have created an ass-load of controversy. From the infamous “Hot Coffee” mod from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas in which you bang your pixelated girlfriend to the Mass Effect “alien fuckin'” blowback where you bang your less pixelated girlfriend, people have always gotten their sheer black thongs (hidden from the public for fear of being labeled a “trannie”) in twists more complex than Joyce’s “Finnegan’s Wake”. Jack Thompson alone has spewed more bile than the inhabitants of a Roman vomitorium after a Saturnalia feast. Fact is, people always look for scandalous things in video game to justify their being Luddites. Most of the time, the controversies are fairly unwarranted. God knows that reasonability goes out the window when boobs come into play.

However, there have been some cutscenes – even in some cases ones that would alter the plot entirely – that have been left out of video games because they garnered too much opposition, even within the company itself. These have generally been lost to the ages and are considered urban legends, but with a little bit of trickery and a lot bit of “breaking the fuck in”, we managed to unearth them for you. These have not been altered in any way so if you have moral objections to them…well, cunniliguate a goat comes to mind.

(Holy shit, that actually is a word. Well done, KT. – ed.)
Mario 64: In an effort to expedite the process of once again retrieving his beloved from Bowser (a course of action that by this point has got to be on the level of familiarity to him as eating and breathing), Mario calls in a few favors and is granted a conference with Gohn Jotti, the Mushroom Kingdom’s “waste management” baron. Princess Peach is brought safely back to him, Bowser is found facedown in the Midas River and all seems to be well. Of course, there comes a time when Mario has to pay the favors back, becoming either a drug mule or a hitman, but those consequences can be addressed in later games.

(Rejected: We might want to stay on the good side of any underworld mass groups. Plus this is technically a racist stereotype. Avoid.)

Halo 2: Between missions, Sergeant Johnson goes to the cabin of Master Chief in order to debrief him. As he enters, he finds the room dark, lit only with candles. In the middle of the room, Master Chief is dressed only in leather chaps – helmet still on his head. He is holding a whip and a chain. The chain is connected to a spiked collar around the neck of Miranda Keyes, clad only in nipple clamps, a ball gag and black makeup. In the corner of the ceiling, Cortana watches. Just stares, silently recording what is happening down below. Johnson appears stunned and gasps involuntarily. Master Chief turns to him, gives him the thumbs-up and says, in his robotically-filtered voice, “Now that’s why they call me MASTER Chief!”

(Rejected: This was already treading on dangerous ground as is, what with the BDSM material. But that pun at the end? Jesus, Gary.)

Tomb Raider Chronicles: As she escapes the Cave of the Wavata Tribe, clutching the Idol of Sambuca, Lara Croft slumps against a tree, exhausted but exhilirated at her victory. She closes her eyes for a moment. She opens them instantly as she finds herself roughly thrown to the ground, the idol yanked out of her hands. Angry tribesmen – furious at her defiling their sacred site – pin her to the ground, tear her already-skimpy clothes from her body and begin to violently “punish” her for what she has done. As they take their turns, Lara’s sight begins to go dark. Fade into credits.

(Rejected: Seriously? You not only rape the main character but make it fatal AND the end of the game? That does not reward players at all.)

Pokemon Blue: While catching his first Pidgey, Ash feels the stirrings of something darker, deep within his loins. The struggling, thrashing bird, desperate to escape its bonds, is utterly helpless. Watching the terror of the creature, a primal look crosses Ash’s face. Slowly, quietly, he adjusts his cap, tightens his glove and unzips his jeans. He begins to fond[REDACTED]

(Rejected: Absolutely not. I don’t care if you want to be faithful to the Japanese version of the show. We’re taking a pass on this.)

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time: Ganon approaches Link, who has been struck to the ground, injured by a wave of power. He offers his hand, startling the boy. “Come lad,” Ganon says, “Let’s be reasonable about this. Stand up. We can talk.” “Don’t trust him, Link!” Zelda screams from her prison. Ganon silences her with a wave of his hand. He helps Link to his feet but does not let go of his hand. “Why don’t we retire to my statesroom and discuss how we can both get what we want?” “Oh…okay,” Link responds. The pair walk into the castle as a storm rages ahead. There is a scream and crying. Ganon laughs. The screen goes black.

(Rejected: What is wrong with you? I think I need to donate money to a school now, just to assuage my guilt from READING that. Jesus, Gary.)

Barbie Horse Trainer: Buttercup, while prancing around the training meadow, has stepped into a gopher hole that the careless, drunken groundskeeper foolishly forgot to fill in. Her shinbone has shattered. She lies on the ground, shrieking in pain, forelock drenched in blood and terrified drool. Her rolling eye begs for death. Surgery at this point is impossible. You load the shotgun, one shell at a time, tears wetting the controller. Press “X” to perform mercy kill.

(Rejected: I like it. I really do. However, it’s not…quite what our demographic wants. Little girls don’t like grim reality to pervade their pablum.)

Super Monkey Ball: We name the monkey Malcolm.

(Rejected: Are you out of your fucking mind?)

PacMan: PacMan, after consuming Blinky, has the screen turn red and begins flashing. The dots become little skulls and we play Black Sabbath over the top of the regular music. BLAAAGH! BLAAAGH! Your mother sucks cocks in Hell! BLAAAGH! PacMan begins to throw up green, covering the screen. There’s a spark and the Atari console explodes.

(Rejected: Let’s put this in the ‘maybe’ pile.)

Pong: So the ball can occasionally go towards the screen. Make it 3-D.

(Rejected: 3-D? Are you nuts? Jesus, Gary.)
There are probably more but I’m going to be honest when I say I can’t quite give a shit.

(Well, at least you’re honest. – ed.)

And drunk.

(And drunk. Wonderful. – ed.)

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