The Best Possible Soundtrack You Can Use In A Night Of Hot, Hot Sex

Posted: March 25, 2010 by pred3000 in Informative

We here at Dan Eats Cat Food endorse sex.  Seriously.  If we could trademark it, we would. Imagine how much money we could make.  We also endorse the films of Cameron Crowe. (Editor’s Note: Pred3000 does not speak for the website as a whole.)  He uses pop songs from the 1970s to create a mood.  This got me thinking – why not create a soundtrack for sex?  No, I don’t mean like a porn score – I mean a Cameron Crowe soundtrack.  Is it possible to create a pop soundtrack to it?  Well, after much deliberation and possibly a couple of trial runs, I have created the perfect soundtrack.  Share it and enjoy.

Initial Flirtation-This one requires you to set the mood for the rest of the night.  Here, there is leeway.  After all, this is your experience.  You can just pick the song that makes you seem the sexiest.  Do NOT put on the Barenaked Ladies or Weezer.  Nothing says “turn-off” like nerd rock.  I would go with any light, playful, piano piece.  Danse Macabre might work-it makes you appear sophisticated, it is light, playful, and does make your partner hot and bothered.  Be careful with the name – explain that the song just “transports you” and leave it at that.

Make Out Session-anything by Barry White.  Specifically, “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Baby.” This is a no brainer.  It leaves everyone wanting more.  Plus, Barry had the good fortune of being blessed with a voice that would make anyone do anything.  He could bring peace to the Middle East – all he had to do was will it.  Imagine what he can do to help your love life.  It never fails.

Traveling to the Bedroom-Now, this may be a step you can skip.  But I find that it is bad to go directly to the bedroom.  That is why the make out session comes first.  Anyway, what will you do when you travel to the bedroom?  You need something about travel and urgency.  It cannot be too urgent.  Playing Willie Nelson’s “On the Road Again” is forbidden.  So, I would go with “Heavy Metal” by Sammy Hagar.  It perfectly captures the moment – urgent, discussions of tickets (as in, speeding tickets), and explosions.  Again, this may not set the mood you wish to later.  But, presumably, it won’t take too long to complete this step.

Foreplay-“I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls.  There will be plenty of touching occuring throughout this.  Perhaps you can get your partner to turn you on by showing you what they can do.  That would mean running their fingers down their body, sticking their fingers in their mouths, putting their fingers in…that is…would you excuse me?  

(Ten minutes later) Alright, sorry about that.  You get my point.  It directs you in ways that will only help.  The song also has a playful air-how could something so dirty be disguised as something so innocent?  It just makes the experience that much better.

Removing the Clothing-This needs to, presumably, be a very quick song.  After all, you don’t want to waste too much time at this point in the game.  I would recommend anything by the Ramones. Their songs are quick and urgent enough, and will likely get the job done.  Of course, if you want a strip tease, pick a slower song.  “Closer” by Nine inch Nails works very well.  It still expresses the urgency required for this part.  The mentioning of “fucking like an animal” will probably just make your partner that much more eager.

We shall call this part “Assembling the Stereo Cabinet”-Now this, this is where the magic happens.  This is also where music is usually forgotten. But it is vital.  You need something mildly fast, something that will help you find the appropriate rhythm.  Trust me, counting in four-four time will just lead to stares and dissatisfaction. I would go with Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”  It works perfectly.  Good, fast rhythm, good message, and maybe your partner is nostalgic for the 1980s.  How can you lose?

The Cuddling afterwards-This song needs to be as mellow as humanly possible, while at the same time being meaningful.  I would recommend George Harrison’s “I’d Have You Anytime,” the opening track off of All Things Must Pass.  The meaning is not lost on everyone.  After successfully assembling your cabinet (it’s better to use euphemisms) you need to keep the idea that it may very well happen again.  And even if your partner doesn’t want that message, it is quiet enough to ignore the lyrics.  A perfect selection.

The “Outro”-How can the classic “Don’t You Forget About Me” not be your selection here?  Sure, it is a complete cliche.  But it is also a vital necessity.  How else to encourage your partner to call you the next day? Now, every single time they hear that song, they will think of you and the amazing time you showed them.  Or, if it was bad, then they can never listen to that song again.  Then you have ruined two things for them.  Of course, if you don’t want them back, then make that point as well.  “Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye” is perfect for this occasion.  Or “Shut Up and Let Me Go” by the Ting Tings.  Your choice.

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