Five Fictional Websites Far Too Awesome To Exist In Our World

Posted: March 24, 2010 by pred3000 in Informative

Sorry for the delay.  I tried some of that cereal in the break room and ended up in the hospital for three days.  Apparently, it contained gluten.  You have to tell me these things, people.  Anyway, I was surfing the web and I really wanted to visit some websites I had heard mention of on TV.  However, I was thwarted due to the fact that these websites did not exist.  Then I started thinking-what if they did exist?  Well, the world would be destroyed by the sheer awesomeness of that fact.  It is best to keep them in the realms of fiction.  I will instead showcase the ideas behind what could have been.
As seen on: Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Yes, there is a fake copy of this website online.  It involves two rednecks trying to steal body parts.  The site is full of misspellings but, worst of all, no place to actually order medical waste.  Accept no substitutes.  The central idea behind is that you can buy the best medical waste available on the market.  Why is health care reform not creating this website?  Obama, we expected so much more from you. Think about it.  No matter long waiting periods for a liver transplant.  Now, just log on and buy one.  Need a heart?  They have hearts to spare.  What if you are a research scientist or an anti-smoking lobbyist who needs a cancer-riddled lung to aid their speech?  They would have that.  Their world would truly be a better place if ever went online.  No, I am not sure where they would get the extra body parts.  That does not diminish the glory of the (hypothetical) site.

As seen on: Mystery Science Theater 3000

Home delivery has been revolutionized by the internet.  You can get anything you want.  But why not live animals?  Why not a monkey?  Everyone wants a monkey -instantly!  Well, at least one theoretical entrepreneur has heard your cries and responded to them.  Now, monkeys can be shipped anywhere (even the far reaches of space) right away.  Now, of course, what you do with that monkey is your business.  But again, many, many ideas.  The monkey in the TV show decided to occupy his time by throwing things at the crew.  But you don’t have to.  Make the monkey your butler or something.  All you know is that it will be received instantly.   The ad also has the best jingle this side of Mr. Plow:  “Get your monkeys – instantly!  With Instant Monkeys Online!”  A classic.
As seen on: Grand Theft Auto 4

What would be better than getting a monkey in the mail?  A baby, you idiots.  That’s where comes in.  They would deliver a live, mewling infant to your doorstep.  Not instantly, per se, but close enough.  I would imagine that the life span of an infant in a cardboard box would not be that long.  This is (probably) one of the reasons that the website is fictional.  Forget the possible infanticide that is associated with this website actually existing.  Think instead of the real world applications.  There seem to be a lot of those.  But now, disadvantaged children would be given a chance.  No need for orphanages.  No need for China’s “one child policy”.  Just stick the baby in a box and hope for the best.  Hey, I know a lot of parents who do that already. And now, some infertile WASP can reap the benefits of others’ over-productive wombs.  How can this go wrong?  It cannot-that is why it is far too awesome to exist.
As seen on: Clerks II

It is not so much the website that needs to exist.  The website is a standard blog (at least, according to the movie) about a young boy stuck in a wheelchair.  There is nothing funny about that.  No, what needs to exist is the comments section.  The movie goes to great lengths to abuse this paraplegic via the web.  And that is what is awesome.  Someone you know being a dick?  Now you can utterly destroy them without ever having to answer for your crimes.  Sure, this idea has been tested out on such websites as Youtube and IMDB where IQ points are only a hindrance.  But here, the ultimate frustration reliever is finally realized.  And this boy cannot defend himself.  You have legs that work.  The film does not say what he may have in his arsenal.  Yell at this poor, defenseless boy and yell loudly, you pathetic freaks.
As seen on: The Simpsons

What do badgers eat?  Apparently, stoats.  Yes, this is another basic website that technically exists.  It does not exist to the scale that it should.  We are given three examples of what badgers eat and three examples of what badgers do not eat. Surely there are more.  There is a whole world of badger edibles that have not been explored.  Isn’t it time that someone stepped up to the plate and took on this lofty goal?  It would help schoolchildren everywhere.  Well, school children with very specific things to research items.  But there are many permutations possible.  What, for example, do stoats eat?  What do roadrunners eat?  What does the platypus eat?  For that matter, what does a platypus not eat?  I would want to feed a platypus a Snickers bar, just to see what would happen. Besides, the website does suggest that badgers do not eat beer.  This means that someone, somewhere, must have tested this theory.  This is hilarious. I believe that I have found a new goal for my professional career.

These are only some of the fictional websites that need to exist in the real world.  I am sure there are many others.  But they are not nearly as fun.  That is the appeal of fictional websites.  What sucks is when these actually do become real.  Is nearly as awesome as you would imagine?  Of course not.  They must be preserved in our imaginations, as that is where they are the best.  Are you even reading this or are you still stuck on badgers drinking beer?  I am too.

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