Dan Eats Cat Food Presents: The Talk Show

Posted: March 22, 2010 by kaostheory in Dan Eats Cat Food Presents
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Hello fans. Intern Rick Brickstone here. Due to some unforeseen political complications stemming from a previously undiagnosed proclivity to go absolutely off-the-wall when threatened, Chief Medical Correspondent KaosTheory will be unable to provide his contribution today as was previously planned. Thus, we are being forced to go with…*sigh*…Plan B. Over the past few months, we have been in the process of attempting to branch out into the media market, expanding away from basic online comedy and diversifying our interests. That, coupled with KT’s annoyingly absent article, has forced our hand to provide you, our loving fans, something…different today. We are going to provide you the transcript of our failed…oy…talk show. For some reason, the producers thought it would be a great idea to make it a SPANISH talk show. They even hired the guy to be the host, some pervert named Carlos Anaranjado. I don’t know. Our editor will provide a translation for the Spanish, one that was not offered for the show proper. Not our best idea in retrospect. Please…I can’t quite say enjoy, but don’t hate it too much.

———
Carlos: ¿Cuál está para arriba, bitches? Es de nuevo hora para el ” ¡Pueblos de Hola mis! ” Soy su anfitrión, Carlos Anaranjado, y we’ ¡el re ir a coger sus mentes hoy!
(What is up, bitches? Eleven It is again for Time ” Hello my towns! ” I a.m. your host, Carlos Orange, and we’ re going to fuck your minds today!)

(the crowd cheers halfheartedly)

Carlos: ¡Nuestra primera huésped es hoy sensación latina adolescente, Justin Bieber! ¡Dé la bienvenida al poco jailbait a la etapa!
(Ours first guest is today adolescent Latin sensation, Justin Bieber! He little gives the welcome to jailbait to the stage!)

(Justin Bieber enters, looking puzzled)

Bieber: This isn’t the Tonight Show…

Carlos: Venido, venga. Siéntese ese asno apretado. ¿Puedo conseguirle cualquier cosa? ¿Agua? ¿Café? ¿Tequila?
(Come, it comes. Siéntese [sit down] that tight ass. I can secure [bring] any thing to him? Water? Coffee? Tequila?)

Bieber: I don’t know what you said but…um…no.

Carlos: ¿Es tan verdad que usted estrangula putas con su correa para alcanzar orgasmo, Sr. Bieber?
(It is so truth that you strangle putas [hookers] with his strap [belt] to reach orgasmo, Mr. Bieber?)

Bieber: Excuse me, what? What was that? Can…can we get a translator out here?

Carlos: ¿Usted es realmente una mujer mayor del treinta-año con el progeria, correcto?
(You are really a greater woman of the thirty-year with progeria, correct?)

Bieber: I…progeria? I don’t think I know what you’re asking.

Carlos: Tan díganos. ¿Cuántos de sus ventiladores adolescentes usted ha hecho el amor y usted estaría dispuesto a compartir sus hazañas en gran, gran detalle?
(So díganos [tell us]. How many of his adolescent ventilators [fans] you have made the love and you would be prepared to share his feats in great, great detail?)

Bieber: I’m…I’m sorry, but I really am not feeling too comfortable here, to be honest.

Carlos: ¡Johnny! ¡Sale aquí y da a nuestra huésped estimada un masaje sensual!
(Johnny! It leaves here and it gives to our considered guest a sensual massage!)

(a short man in a tank top comes out, toting a bottle of what appears to be mustard with him)

Carlos: ¡Usted ve, Sr. Bieber! ¡Nos dedican totalmente a cerciorarse de a nuestras huéspedes somos felices, sanos y satisfechos sexual!
(You see, Mr. Bieber! Our guests totally dedicate to us to make sure of a happy, healthy and are satisfied sexual!)

Bieber: Okay. I’m not in the right place. Goodbye.

(Justin Bieber leaves)

Carlos: ¡Miley Cyrus, cada uno! Después para arriba, tenemos uno de mi gente preferida personal en el mundo. ¡El, el único… Jenna Jameson!
(Miley Cyrus, each! Later for above, we have one of my personal favourite people in the world. , The unique one… Jenna Jameson!)

(a long pause while the music plays – nobody enters – finally a stagehand comes over to Carlos and whispers in his ear, then leaves)

Carlos: ¡Ella no apareció al parecer! ¡De hecho, ningunas de nuestras huéspedes hicieron! We’ ¡re no incluso filmando esto delante de una audiencia de estudio viva! ¡Todos son muertos! ¡Cadáveres!
(It did not appear apparently! In fact, no of our guests did! We’ re not even filming this in front of an alive hearing of study! All are dead! Corpses!)

(Carlos begins to laugh maniacally – the video feed transitions quickly into static)
———
What. The. Fuck. One second, ladies and gentlemen. ED!

(What’s up? – ed.)

Did…did you see that?

(See what? – ed.)

See what? SEE WHAT? How about did you see that “Holy freaking Jesus we just put a fifteen-year old music star in a room with a NECROPHILIAC PEDOPHILE WITH SEVERE PSYCHOSIS”? Did you MAYBE see THAT?

(What in the Sam Hill are you talking about? – ed.)

Are…are you in charge here? Do you have any concept of what just went down?

(I gotta be honest with you. Rick. Rita left me. – ed.)

Oh, Ed. I’m so sorry.

(Whatever. She’s in a better place now. – ed.)

She DIED?!

(What? No. She’s in Phoenix now with MARCUS. Lousy pediatric surgeon. – ed.)

Oh…kay. This is weird. But did you see the…you know…atrocity we just bankrolled?

(I gotta be honest with you, Rick. I am like…ten kinds of high right now. I saw a piece of paper on my desk. I signed it. That’s all I know. – ed.)

I…okay. I get it now. I get why my professor started laughing when I told him I was interning here. I get why he handed me his flask and said that I needed it more than he ever would. I get it now. You people are all insane. You’re all off your fucking rockers.

(You’re the intern, right? – ed.)

Yes…

(Where’s my damn coffee? And get me KaosTheory! He’s not a hack! – ed.)

KaosTheory is in federal custody! He set FIRE to the Washington Monument!

(Oh. Well, in that case, sign us off, kid. You’re going places. – ed.)

Oh my God. Goodbye everyone. Hopefully tomorrow will be less embarrassing.

(Doubt it. – ed.)

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