Felonies You Can Get Out Of With A Little Know-How And A Can-Do Attitude

Posted: March 20, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , ,

A point of clarification to begin with: Dan Eats Cat Food in no way condones the act of committing crimes. We absolutely are not in support of anything that breaks the rule of law in whatever country, province, state, city, town, farmhouse, compound, territory or decommissioned aircraft carrier you may inhabit. That being said, we do understand that sometimes things…happen. You wake up one morning to find that “whoops”, you accidentally drove your 1994 Miata through the front window of an Ikea last night after getting slanted on vodka and Rockstar. Mistakes are part of being human. To err means that you’re not Jesus. Unfortunately, the police and or/federal officials tend to not be as forgiving as we are. Yet ANOTHER reason that we really need to seriously consider a governmental coup. I mean, how hard would it really be? A couple of (REDACTED – Let’s avoid setting off buzzword searches in the FBI database, shall we? – ed.)

The point is that at some point in everyone’s life, they will take some action that could well result in massive fines and/or jail time. And some of that time, they may even get caught doing it. In the interest of maybe saving a few lives – and rectal cavities – from being destroyed, here’s DECF’s primer on felonies that you can maybe get out of if you just try a little.
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We’ll start with one of the easiest ones: DUI. The prosecutor is sure to throw around phrases like “found passed out at the wheel”, “erratic only just begins to cover the severity of the swerving that was taking place” and “a car is a deadly weapon in this hands of this drunken maniac”. Those aren’t going to look good for you. They will probably turn the jury against you. You have two different routes you can take for this one. The first is more complex but could tug at the heartstrings of the little old ladies being kept from their sewing circles and S&M clubs by this trial. When you get up on the stand, start crying and rambling about how you are an alcoholic and this was just a cry for help. You know that if you put into a rehab program instead of jail that you will find the strength to move on with your life and not let this disease take control of the spiraling hell that is your existence. Alternatively, you can get up there, look defiant and state simply that since you don’t remember driving drunk, it didn’t happen. That second one is more risky but if it works…no jail time, no fines and no rehab. Flip a coin if you have to decide.

Next, we have one that probably won’t get you charged but is still a possibility. We’re talking about moonshining. While brewing your own beer is legal and even encouraged in, say, Kentucky, creating new forms of liquor is still (we think) illegal. Even with prohibition being dead this hundred-odd years, bathtub bourbon is a little frowned upon. So what happens if you get caught selling Tricky Dick’s Discount Sangria out of the back of your Hyundai? First off, run for it. Hit the gas and drive like a bat out of Hell through the forest. The cop cars won’t be able to navigate the rough terrain. But if you DO get caught, claim in court that you were making a delivery for your cousin Merle and had no idea what was in those big glass jugs. Make sure you ignore the evidence that shows you were using a garden hose as a straw from a big bottle in the backseat.

Solicitation is next and a little tougher to wriggle your way out of. Our best advice for this is to just get drunk and pick up a cougar or – worst case scenario – a slump-buster. Although if you’re going for the latter, you may as well just call it a night, go home, turn on some Big Tits At School: Lacey Duvalle, and work yourself into a lonely but marginally less depressing weak orgasm. However, if you absolutely have to hire a hooker, make her work for it. Take her out on DATES. They can’t arrest you for getting company, especially if you don’t pay for it. Fall in love with her and only have sex with her on your wedding night. If they try to charge you with solicitation, say it was the act of true love, not paid-for sex. Alternatively, if you hire one and she turns out to be a cop, scream “entrapment” until you go blue in the face or you lose your vocal cords.

The next felony on the list is embezzlement. This one is all in how you spin it. You weren’t “stealing money”. You were “diverting work funds to new investment opportunities”. You didn’t go on big, expensive trips. You “attended conferences on expanding your company into foreign markets”. You didn’t “rob the company blind”. You “explored alternative business plans for your place of employment”. You didn’t “fuck over hundreds of workers by stealing their 401K accounts”. You “took it upon yourself to equalize the salaries of the employees based on market research”. You certainly weren’t “caught with your pants down, balls-deep in the Japanese temp, mounds of cocaine surrounding you, screaming at the top of your lungs how you were ‘King Shit'”. You were “gaining deeper insight into foreign investments while rewarding yourself for a record-breaking financial quarter”. I think you get the idea now.

We’re starting to get into more serious felonies now so our advice is going to be a little more…vague, let’s say. First up is a pretty big one: arson. Getting out of this one really depends on how much damage your little “building as fireplace” experiment does to the world. If you just burn down a vacant warehouse, you can just say that you were having a smoke outside the place and your cigarette accidentally landed too close to a gas line, yada yada, not your fault. If you burn down a FULL warehouse, you were drunk and thought that it was empty. Plus you had friends there urging you to do it so really you’re a victim of peer pressure. Cry if you have to. If you torch an office building, you were making a political statement against consumerism and those are legally covered under the First Amendment. If you set fire to an apartment complex and people die? Well…roll the dice with mental instability and see if it lands in your favor.

Grand theft auto is up next and this one is even tougher to avoid, simply because there are a lot of witnesses. Well, unless you make sure there are no witnesses. Do it late at night and make it a mid-range car. You steal a Ferrari, people will know. A 2000 Honda Civic, though…not so much. If you do get caught though, don’t you fucking dare blame video games. Rockstar Games did not make you want to slam a dude’s face into the steering wheel, hurl him out of the car and drive like an asshole through city streets, running over hookers and pedestrians, smashing through lights and stop signs, avoiding cops and eventually the FBI as you hurtle into the water in a suicidal haze. Halo 3 did. Remember that.

Now we’re to the big three. These are the make-or-break felonies so be sure to pay attention, students.

First, we have rape.

(No. We are not going to help people like that in any way. Sorry, but I have to put my foot down. They deserve castration with barbed wire. Dulled barbed wire. Rusty, dulled barbed wire. That has salt crystals glued on to it. You get the gist of it. – ed.)

Okay then. How about murder?

(Decide if it’s crime of passion or premeditated and argue insanity. Or self-end. Next? – ed.)

What about treason? You got any problem with treason?

(Nope. Knock yourself out, slugger. – ed.)

Just for the record, it concerns me that a violent sex crime and a regular violent crime are more abhorrent to you than deliberate and willful violence against your home country. It seems to me like fucking over a NATION is a little more severe than a person or two.

Anyways. Advice for this one. Um. Let’s see. You know what? Hell if I know. Maybe go to China? I don’t think they extradite there. I don’t know. I’m still bothered by my editor’s leanings.

(Deal with it, comrade. – ed.)

Okay. New plan. I’m going to go drink a bottle of gin, watch some Spongebob and pray. DEUCES!

(Asshole. – ed.)

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