Rejected Cereal Brands

Posted: March 19, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , , ,

Let me be clear. We here at Dan Eats Cat Food love our jobs as comedy writers, billionaires and trophy husbands for various Trumps (I got Ivanka, Raybestos got Ivana and Pred3000 drew the short stick and is now manservant to Donald – poor bastard). There is no greater job in the world except perhaps oiling down the Sports Illustrated ladies although after a while that would seem more like an actual job. I’d hate to lose my passion for that. I can’t imagine a world in which slick tits are a chore for me. That would be the worst kind of hell.

(What is it with you and oiled breasts lately? – ed.)

Anyways, in our spare moments of free time, what with the sex, drinking, poker and illegal capybara racing filling the vast majority of our days, we do like to dabble in the marketplace. More specifically, we like creating brands that we believe the public could really get behind and enjoy. Our last experiment was in the field of breakfast cereals. Unfortunately, all of the major producers turned their noses up at our ideas, calling us “sick” and “demented” and “a legitimate threat to public safety”. (Actually, that last one was the San Diego County District Attorney’s office. – ed.) The point is that we are proud of our ideas and stand by them, even in the face of mass disgust. So today we are offering YOU the chance to let us know if we’re being unfairly persecuted (The term is prosecuted, KT. – ed.) or if they really are bad ideas. We think we know which one you’re going to agree with.
Our first few go more towards the literal category. We believe that the consumer has a right to know what they are eating. That’s why we first came up with Honey Bunches of Horse Feed. It’s the exact same (like to the exact ratios) as Honey Bunches of Oats, but we’re being honest here. Oats are horse feed. Oatmeal is mashed-up horse feed. Honey Bunches of Oats are bunches of horse feed covered with a light dusting of honey. How the hell are we in the wrong here?

Next we have another literal one. This Contains Gluten. Again, we fail to see how we are marketing this poorly. We aren’t lying! This cereal DOES contain gluten! We understand the dietary and health concerns that many people all over the world have, especially with gluten these days. Why on Earth would we want to deceive them as to the contents of our cereal? It’s not like Froot Loops that contain trace amounts of toucan beak. Wait, is that an industry secret?

And another literal one. This is one we really liked. Only Part Bug Torsos. It’s only PART. PART bug torsos. Everyone seemed to forget the fact that it’s only PART. They focused wholly on the idea that we were putting bug torsos in our cereal. Let’s set the record straight. We were not actively mixing bug torsos in with the cereal! That would be corporate irresponsibility. We just weren’t a hundred percent on our boxing process so we figured that we should probably warn people, just in case. If they know there’s the possibility of biting down on a good two-foot long hunk of centipede, they won’t be surprised when they do and we can’t get sued. Seemed like covering our asses. Apparently not.

How about this one? Good Luck Opening Me, Bitch. Okay, this is one that could maybe have gotten reworked a bit. The “bitch” made it sound more combative than we were gunning for. Our bad. But the concept is a sound one! Instead of putting a prize inside the cereal, contaminating the renamed Corn Pops within the box, we made getting INTO the cereal the prize. Every box was made of sterilized – STERILIZED – sheet metal, welding together and clamped shut on top by a five-digit number lock. I mean, really, we were taking a wash on this one anyways. The cost of the material alone made the cereal like…twenty-one bucks a box. And the subsequent lawsuit from Kellogg’s after they found we were stealing Corn Pops was…substantial. This one may be better in the scrap pile. (Puns are a lazy man’s joke, you ass-bandit. – ed.)

I think we can chalk the next misfire up to actual misleading marketing. It was “Rock”. Just “Rock”. We think the quotations are what threw people off of this one. They may have thought that we were joking or playing around and that the cereal inside was soft and pliable. We think they thought we were being ironic with the title. We…weren’t. It was a rock. Just a rock. Sometimes feldspar. Sometimes sandstone. Occasionally granite but that would throw off the weighing system too much. We may have made this one a little TOO simple for the consumer. Eh. You live, you learn, you get a new grill.

Next up we had the “prize” cereals that failed. These are a little more understandable but we were young and thought that we could be hip to a new market. Oy.

Blood Clots was the first idea. We assumed that little kids would love to eat something that not only had the word “blood” in it but contained enough Red Dye 40 to make them look like they were shitting our their innards for a solid three weeks. Parents…did not appreciate that. They also didn’t appreciate the mascot we created for it. Well, okay, fine. Two mascots. First up, there was Hemmy, the Dancing Hemorrhage. He was the smiling, glowing red mass on the front of the box that was taking a bite out of the big bowl in front of him. That wasn’t liked. The worse choice, though, was Tammy…the…uh…Tampon. She came with every box of cereal as a prize inside. She was fully articulated. It only took one or two moms to mistake her for one of their personal items before this one had to drop very quickly.

Jizzie Wizzies was next. We learned something with this one. Parents don’t like their children handling squirt guns that look like Peter North’s entrance into the cereal market. They especially don’t like the handle being covered with artificial fur. They absolutely don’t like the gun being designed to squirt either Miracle Whip or liquid laundry detergent. Plus the cereal had a tad too much sodium in it to be in any way palatable to the children’s market, although it sold very well to the sororities around our production facility for some reason.

We’re still not sure why this next one didn’t sell well, especially to the tweenage markets. We thought that Count Twilight would be a great way to capitalize on the market of retards with disposable incomes. For a while there, it actually DID sell fairly well. We made the picture of our count all sparkly and with lust in his eyes for the also-sparkling cereal. We even had fucking werewolf marshmallows! But apparently we crossed the line when we started including binoculars and glass-cutting tools as “boy” prizes and LSD and Valium as “girl” prizes. You’ll buy our cereal but you won’t accept our gifts. Hypocrites.

The last prize is one failure we really should have seen coming. The name itself was pretty innocuous. O-Rings. Sure, maybe a tad literal-sounding but what the hell? Corn Flakes are also pretty damn literal-sounding and they sell like a son-of-a-bitch.

(Are you drinking? You’re swearing more as this gets longer. – ed.)

(Only like…a fifth of tequila…and like a case of PBR. Nothing major. – KT)

Anyways. They were basically like chocolate-covered Cheerios. I mean, what an awesome idea! Mixing two things that people love. Chocolate and rings. Unfortunately, some idiot up in development decided to, as a prize, include a free set of anal beads. Anal beads. For a children’s cereal. Let me repeat that. ANAL. BEADS. For a CHILDREN’S. CEREAL. Yeah, he doesn’t work here anymore. Damn shame too. He always brought really good souvlaki.

The last three ideas we had never even made it out of the testing stage. In retrospect, it kind of makes sense.

Rapeasaurus Rex. The cereal designed to make children fear for their rear passage’s continued integrity.

Uncle Bill’s Bedsheets. Because nothing says a great, healthy breakfast than repressing childhood memories through a flood of shame and sobbing.

Chock Full O’Diabetes. We have absolutely no excuse.
As we look back on this failed business venture, it is important to note that at no point were we actively trying to harm any customers. After all, who will make us money if not customers? Maybe prostitutes, but that’s more of a summer job than anything else. Oh well. Not every product line is a Google or a Microsoft or a fucking Kellogg’s monopoly full of old farts with no sense of what the future might hold, doggedly hanging on to the ways of the past. You dickbrained geezerbags!

Ahem. We do solemnly promise, however, to stay out of San Diego…at least until the statute of limitations runs out. Deuces!

(Don’t say deuces. It makes us sound cheap. Goodbye, faithful readers. See you tomorrow. – ed.)

  1. BlissNinnyXL says:

    It has been a long time since I have seen anything as sophomoric as this on the internet. I mean, dis is primitive shit. Did I accidentally take the way-back machine to 1997? Surely you can take solace in your immaculate fantasies of oiled mammaries. Probably that will be insufficient though, and leave you unfulfilled.

    • kaostheory says:

      Thanks for the feedback. It’s nice to know that you were so bothered by the content that you felt compelled to leave a message attempting to insult us! Really. It’s great to know you care! We’ll be sure to take your concerns under consideration and…oh wait. No, we won’t. We don’t give two shits. And it’s “THIS is primitive shit”. You meant to say “THIS is primitive shit”. It’s okay though. We forgive you.

  2. Laura says:

    It seems that using “dis” instead of “this” would actually be the most sophomoric thing on the internet. I mean, isn’t correct spelling kind of a basic thing? Surprising that this person used “mammaries” instead of “tits.”

  3. Minttoann says:

    “It’s okay though. We forgive you.”
    Oh, I like that. I like that. =]

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