Table Etiquette For Those Interested In Fine Dining

Posted: March 18, 2010 by kaostheory in Advice, Informative
Tags: , , , , , , ,

(Before we start this article, I would like to offer a sincere apology to both KaosTheory and the readers who may have been enjoying the article about the Kama Sutra. I took offense – and rightly so – at the intimations about my sexuality but I handled the situation in a manner wholly unbefitting the position I hold. It is not my place to censor articles except in extreme cases where we might bring about litigation on ourselves. It is not up to me to decide article length or content beyond that which is guaranteed to cause problems. I truly am sorry for my actions and will be more mindful of them in the future. Please forgive me. – ed.)

(I did nothing wrong. Suck one. – KT)

(Son of a bitch. – ed.)

We here at Dan Eats Cat Food understand that not every article needs to be about penises or sexual techniques. Even though we publish our articles from our yacht, the U.S.S. Dugong Coitus, while sippin’ on Cristal while bikini-clad honeys slathered in oil gyrate around us in a brain-burstingly accurate representation of Sapphic imagery, all breasts and asses and lips everywhere, hands roaming free like a zebra in the wild, twisting and squirming in the warm summer sun, fogging up my sunglasses…

(Can we move on? – ed.)

Ahem. Yes, of course. As I was saying, though we constantly indulge ourselves in the best that life has to offer, we still do understand the perils of those less ostentatiously wealthy than we are. We know you have worries and concerns about behavior and etiquette that we do not have, especially in relation to more upscale places. You don’t want to appear as if you are simply a shaven chimpanzee stuffed into a suit or a long black dress. This is a perfectly understandable concern. Too often are dinner parties ruined by you “normals” asking offensive questions or displaying behavior better suited to shoving great handfuls of nachos into your hairy gullets at a NASCAR track while praying for the fiery death of one of the drivers.

Thankfully, we can remedy this behavior or at least prevent catastrophic results from occurring. Please continue to read on for our helpful guide.

(How about we tone down the pretentious just a tad, eh? Alienation isn’t usually a good thing. – ed.)
1 ) First off, never turn down any invitation. Sure, you might be a tad uncomfortable sitting in, say, Cousin Jim’s backyard barbeque in a three-piece suit but you never know who might be watching. Soon, you may be upgraded to weddings or even funerals. From there, it’s only a short walk to a classy dinner party. Then you’re in the big time.

2 ) When attending a dinner at someone’s home, it is always appropriate to bring a small gift in appreciation of the hosts’ generosity. Typically, an acceptable gift would be perhaps a bottle of wine for dinner or a side dish to go along with the meal. It is advised to not bring gifts that would embarrass either yourself or any of those around you. Some examples of these are: condoms, lube and massage oils; roadkill; orphaned or kidnapped children; strippers, hookers or escorts – male or female; poorly written erotic fiction detailing your own exploits during The War; rhubarb.

3 ) Do not stick your dick in the pot roast. That’s bush league. (Also common sense. – ed.)

4 ) For the love of all that is holy, make sure you remember pants. We understand that you may be nervous in places that require actual silverware, but showing up in a suit jacket, shirt, tie and cow-pattern boxers doesn’t make you look cosmopolitan. It makes you look perverted at best, mentally retarded at worst.

5 ) If you are attending a wine tasting, remember to spit. No jokes please. (Ass. – ed.) It may seem a great time taking drinks of all these fine wines but after a while, two things will inevitably occur. One, your palate will become dulled and all wine will taste as if it is water to you. The second is less along the lines of “My goodness, he is simply just drinking the wine. Bad show.” and more along the lines of “What in the HELL are you doing to my sixteen-year old virgin daughter, you miscreant?” “She ain’t a virgin no more.” There is absolutely no possible situation where that sequence of dialogue will turn out well for you. Just saying. Take a vet’s word on that.

6 ) Two words: no pornography. We are serious on this one. Nothing ruins a fine night out at Chez Rose or whatever than you pulling out the November 1989 issue of Big Dicks, Small Assholes, complete with associated Kleenex, Vaseline and lonely tears. Just completely turns the taste of filet mignon to ashes. Not just yours either. The entire restaurant’s.

7 ) Less an etiquette issue and more of a timing one for this tip. If you come from a rural community and are wanting to become involved with a member of a race other than yours, you might try NOT mentioning that fact in the middle of, say, a rehearsal dinner for your little sister. Unless of course you want violence and…

(Okay, enough of that tip. It’s not funny and is more depressing to read than a manic depressive’s LiveJournal. Keep up the funny, Laugh Bitch. – ed.)

(Fuck you, Ed. – ed.)

(We’re not doing this again. Next tip. – ed.)

8 ) Make sure to scope out the bathrooms AND the exits before you enter an unfamiliar place. Not knowing the important places in the place is a dangerous game you play. You don’t want to eat something that doesn’t agree with you and be stuck in a Little Dutch Boy situation. And that is a whole HELL of a lot grosser than I was planning to go with for this article, but sometimes the best advice is disturbing. Like don’t fuck a light socket.

9 ) Don’t fuck a light socket. (Sound advice. – ed.)

10 ) Always compliment and thank profusely everyone you see on the way out. Waiters and maitre’d’s, the hosts and hosts’ children, even other guests. It makes you look gracious and humble and totally draws focus away from the fact that you took a shit in the potted ficus because you DIDN’T LISTEN TO TIP NUMBER EIGHT, YOU STUPID BASTARD SON OF A BITCH!

(Maybe we should stop here. – ed.)

(That might be best. I’ma go get my drank on now. – KT)

(Of course you are. Good night, readers. We don’t think you’re all hicks, I swear. – ed.)

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