Non-Kama Sutra Approved “Sexniques”

Posted: March 16, 2010 by kaostheory in Advice, Informative
Tags: , , , ,

We here at Dan Eats Cat Food, when not oppressing the lower classes while propping up the increasingly power-mad bourgeoisie of multiple second-world countries (Yugoslavia for one and yes, we are aware that it no longer exists…for now), are dedicated to making the lives of you, our gentle readers, that much easier, be it through tax evasion, manipulating the school systems or simply improving the act of love. Luckily for you, our Man on the Street KaosTheory, while on a factfinding mission to Nepal (I found out some facts about myself. Dark facts. – KT) unearthed some rare, unused pages from what appears to be the first draft of the legendary Kama Sutra. We aren’t quite sure why they remained unused but with a little bit of good old-fashioned to-do and some elbow grease (Sweet, sweet 100 proof elbow grease – KT), we were able to decipher most of what was written there and provide it as a thank-you service to you. Please enjoy and don’t feel afraid to try these novel, brand-new yet centuries old techniques.

(For the love of all that is good in the world, do not attempt these. People will die. I wish I was kidding – ed.)
———
The Crocodile: We’ll start off with one of the more difficult to achieve, simply because it requires absolute and total trust. A further note, it must take place on top of the covers, lest the sheets be torn asunder. Take your lovely lady and embrace her, gently, around the arms and waist. This signifies that you are her big strong man and will protect her. It is to ease her spirit and let her aquiesce to your manly will. Whisper soft words into her ear, enticing her to further acts of love with your poetry. Lull her into a sleepy haze of lust and love. Still with your arms around her, lay her on the bed, continuing your talking. Then, just as she is about to drift into a happy sleep, grab your left wrist with your right hand, lock your arms and go into a mighty death roll. Your ultimate goal is to get a good three revolutions in before she understands what’s happening.

(I am horrified to say that this actually made me smile quickly. Don’t for one damn second think that means I approve of this. – ed.)

The Splaying Mantis: This one is for the ladies. Answer me this, ladies. Are you tired of your man always cumming too fast and rolling over to go to sleep without you getting a chance to scale Magic Mountain? Well, this technique will help solve that one right quick. The next time he sends off U.S.S. Ball-Load and rolls over, chomp into the back of his head. This should make him scream and wake up, probably very pissed off. As calmly as you can make it, inform him that in the animal kingdom, women praying mantises bite the heads off the males if the males cum too soon. Also inform him that the next time he does so, you will take on that animal trait again…but that time won’t be gnawing on the back of his thinking head. Then turn your back to him and go to sleep. We promise he won’t make that mistake twice.

(No. No. No. Do not do this. That is spousal abuse. It is a FELONY. – ed.)

The Twilight: This particular one requires a little pre-planning. More specifically, it requires knowledge of circuitry (especially alarm systems), breaking and entering and total silence during movement. It will probably take a good five to seven years in Berlin’s seedy underground to pick up these skills but after intensive training and a couple of mandatory assassinations (probably of guys named Vanya or Holger), you’ll be ready. Just think of the delight on your woman’s face when she wakes up to find you – who, incidentally, informed her you were dead off the coast of Spain those seven years ago – standing over her, grinning like a maniac, covered head to toe with body glitter and fake blood. You’ll be just like Edward Cullen! How special!

(How…you know, I don’t even want to know how you know about the Berlin thing. – ed.)

The Staying Power: Alright fellas. Stay with me here. We all know that when we get all up in a lady’s parts that we like to ride it as fast and hard as we can, making ourselves go all roller-coaster in the ballsack. But sometimes those ladies don’t appreciate that wham-bam-thank you ma’am style of fuckin’. Sometimes they like it to go a long time. But when you’re feeling that surge right in the huevos, how are you to stem the tide? Simple. If you think you’re going to go all Jackson Pollack on her face, pull out quickly and slam your dick as hard as you can in the bedstand drawer. The blast of pain and shrieking like a little girl should buy you enough time to go twenty, even thirty minutes more. Trade secret, kid.

(MotherFUCKER! That made me wince just reading it. Broken urethras are nothing to laugh at. – ed.)

The Drunken Sailor: This one is not so much complex as it is letting yourself settle into a frame of mind. In the olden days, sailors were hardy men, dedicated to hard living, hard loving and hard drinking. Not like those puss-ass Navy boys today. Bunch of flouncing doilies. (We do not agree with this. We respect all members of the American Armed Forces here at DECF. Well, and SAS and Mossad. They scare the shit out of us. – ed.) But old sailors? Man, when they made port, there wasn’t a scullery house, brothel, tavern or nunnery bereft of the stink and raw animal power of the sailor’s thrust. In the spirit of the time, for this what you must do is get blind, stinking drunk on the cheapest-ass rum you can find. If it’s just rum in a bottle with no name, you win. Kill the thing, shift your bleary eyes to the sleeping form of your awaiting mistress and begin to plow her like the first Iowan fields in spring.

(*ahem* Rape. Rape. This is legally qualified as rape. Before you do this, please get consent first. We don’t want to be responsible for jail time. Well. Any more jail time than we already are, anyways. – ed.)

The Guitar Hero: Here we have one that you can your partner can do together, not requiring the base taking of another. (Finally. – ed.) It is also one of the more difficult because it requires not only incredible hand-eye coordination but that in conjuction with your penis. Kind of a three-way coordination thing. You first need to start with latex paint…

(Oh God no. No. We aren’t running this one. I don’t care what you say. This one is wholly wrong. – ed.)

(Don’t get your tits in a twist. It’s just painting all the fingers on one hand AND your dick the five guitar key colors and have her scream out what to use. You know, like red and yellow chord would be the middle and ring fingers. Or orange and green would be the kielbasa and one in the pooper. – KT)

(That’s enough. Moving on. – ed.)

(You’re just scared of expressing your own sexuality and kinks. I bet Rita would be into it. – KT)

(YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMNED MOUTH ABOUT RITA! – ed.)

The Jimmy Fallon: Fairly simple here. Giggle at your premature ejaculating. Giggle at your woman’s frustration at said premature ejaculating. Giggle at the very act of making love. Tape your encounter in poor, grainy 80s style. Hammer nails through your dick to force those who watch the tape to feel bad for you. Let a ginger, man with a boat for a head, guy formerly dating a Jewish woman, and a Scotsman fuck your woman to much greater success than you will ever achieve. But hey, you at least get to laugh at a DJ. Of course you will. Of course you will.

(And another thing, who the hell made you King of Dicking? I don’t recall you getting all nas-tay with anyone recently! – ed.)

(Ed, this isn’t the time. Make fun of Jimmy Fallon already. – KT)

(That hack? It’d be like kicking a drowning blind puppy…that had AIDS…and had its balls cut off…and was…I don’t know. I need a beer. – ed.)

The Conquistador: Are you Spanish? Do you want to be? You’re in luck! For this one, all you need is a Spanish flag, a suit of armor and a South American chick, preferably Mexican. Now what you do is…

(I don’t care. It’ll offend our readers. Next one. – ed.)

(Are you fucking kidding me? You’re going to censor my shit now? Stop being such a baby. – KT)

(YOU’RE the baby. – ed.)

(I don’t believe this. – KT)

The Diorama: Okay. Last one. Simple instructions. Build a…

(Sorry. No can do. Over the word count limit. Have to do that in a different article. – ed.)

(That is BULLSHIT. You don’t have the authority to… – KT)

(To what? Edit your work? Set guidelines? I absolutely do, you unprofessional wankrag. – ed.)

(I’M unprofessional? It’s ME who is unprofessional? Look at YOU, you pretentious, repressed son of… – KT)

/feed interrupted
/insert peppy music with a sheepish looking cartoon me shrugging
/static

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