A Rough Guide to Masturbating to Internet Porn

Posted: March 4, 2010 by pred3000 in Advice, Informative
Tags: , , ,

Hello all.  I am back, and I know I have been away for a while.  You see, Kaostheory is a cruel master and…no that’s not the reason.  See, I was kidnapped and…alright, I’m just lazy, are you happy?

In response to KaosTheory’s wonderfully insightful article on how people find us, I noticed that most of the people who come here looking for something to masturbate to.  Well, this makes some sense.  The internet has ultimately provided people with more ways to waste sperm and time than any other invention.   But, if you are going to do it right, you have to learn how.  It is impossible just to hop on Google and find the perfect masturbatory aid.  That is what I seek to do.  Also, maybe our hits will go up if I keep typing the word masturbation. So, without further ado, here are the things you must know.

1) Preparation-This is something that many pay no attention to.  They feel they can just grab and go, so to speak.  I am here to tell you how wrong you are.  As with any romantic conquest, the right mood must be set.  Go ahead and treat yourself for an evening.  Take yourself out to a nice dinner and a movie.  Or just write yourself a letter.  And when you are ready, only then can you be ready.  Or at least, have a drink first.  Can’t hurt, can only help.  My point is, never try to force it.  You wouldn’t force sex on anyone, would you?  Well, if you are not in a state penitentiary, you wouldn’t.  When this is done, you can move onto the next step.

2) Finding the Perfect Site-This is going to be up to each individuals’ taste.   Some people like oral, some like anal, some like fatties, some like those weird videos where girls smoke cigarettes with their vaginas.  At least, I think those videos exist.  I am not here to pass judgment.  What I am here to do is to encourage you to find what you like and go with it.  You can experiment if you wish (again, cigarette videos) but it is not safe to do this every time.  You mean find something you don’t like (one final time, cigarette videos) or worse, something you do that is so specific but impossible to find that you may never be able to masturbate properly again.

3) Technique-Again, this is going to depend largely on the individual.  But there are some things that no one should try.  For example, clapping is just asking for trouble.  Wait until after the fact to congratulate yourself.  Also, don’t be afraid to change hands.  But, if you are using the internet, then do not do so on the fly.  Nothing is more awkward to explain than the mess you may leave behind.  One final note; the usual way is down, then up rather than the reverse.  The reverse is just asking for trouble.

4) Do’s and Don’ts This last portion is just a basic summary of what you should try and should avoid.

Do: Experiment, use protection (ie, hand lotion), switch hands, just relax and have fun with it.

Don’t: Whistle (ever), Vocalize, disturb neighbors our invite them to join,

Well, you’re all set.  Go out and conquer the world-or at least, your groin.  That’s right, you show it who’s boss.  And remember, it is sex with someone you love.

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