The Oddest Search Results Leading to Dan Eats Cat Food

Posted: March 3, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , , , ,

Believe it or not, we here at Dan Eats Cat Food do not just spend all of our days up here in our ivory tower, looking down on the world, bellies bloated with caviar and fine scotch, smoking our Cuban cigars and laughing at the misery of the peons below, scarcely more than ants in our eyes. It’s only most of our days. The rest are spent down in the basement, navigating the Tomb of the Damned using naught but our engraved golden lighters and our surgically enhanced senses that leave us with abilities nigh unto that of gods, searching for the Lost Cave of the Search Engine to see what horrific crimes against nature have been perpetrated against the Internet in pursuit of websites, one of which may actually be ours. What we present to you today, complete with color commentary by our very own Senior Beat Writer KaosTheory, are some of the best, worst, most disgusting and downright confusing terms that have led hapless viewers to this marvel of the Internet.
———
Alright, let’s this party started. I already got like fifty (Stop – ed.)

…fine, thirty (Come on now – ed.)

…FINE, like two shots of vodka in me and I’m wikkid hahd up fo’ sum Internetzing!

(What the…what the hell was that? That was like a horrible crossbreed of Brooklynese, Southern speak, metal voice, ghetto slang and geek lingo. God. That’s almost, ALMOST incomprehensible. Just stick to the damn script, KT. – ed.)

God, my editor is such a little bitch sometimes.

(What was that?! – ed.)

I said I fucked your wife bareback. Ricky’s my child. Turning off the editor console now.

(You can’t….*SKRRKK*…*KSSHHHHHHHHH* *silence* – ed.)

That’s better. Now to get to the real reason we’re here: gratuitous nudity. Let me just take my shirt off. It’s getting a little…SEXY in here.

Oh, right. You can’t see it. Okay. Well then, I guess we’ll talk about the oddest search results that have brought the site up on people’s computers.

“im jewish and gay and my name is ian wha” – Okay. Great. This is a good start. There is nothing about Jews OR homos on this site. There just isn’t. I mean, aside from the rampant humping by pred3000 and raybestos, of course. But nobody could know about THAT without access to our shower room’s security system and only I have that keycode. Wait. Scratch that. Um. Moving on.

“spankwire green haired and hung” – Is anyone else more concerned about the green hair requirement in this than they are about the hung part? Or is that just me? Probably just me.

“i’m a little teapot + penis” – The hell? Is this hoping for insertion of a penis into a teapot or a penis that actually IS a teapot or vice versa? The ambiguity of this one is a little horrifying.

“cat food bdsm – I’m almost 99% sure that cat food doesn’t contain any instance of people getting off on whips and chains. There is that 1% though that still says to me that it’s possible.

“corbin bleu sex” – Since nobody above the age of sixteen knows who that is, I’ma go ahead and say that this probably isn’t legal. *shiver*

“anally fucked in public” – This one actually makes sense! In context with the Spring Break one though…um. You know, on second though, this one making sense is a pretty dire condemnation of how far this site has fallen.

“you call a moi dipshit” – I…huh? I’d have to decipher that one to even figure out what it’s asking. Eh. They were drunk probably. Next one.

“youtube bald eagles killing for food” – Where in the hell are bald eagles on this site? What the fuck? HOW MANY PAGES DID THEY GO THROUGH TO GET TO THIS SITE? This is confusing as hell.

“heart attack nnnnnng” – I’m not even going to lie. This one really made me laugh when I saw it. Hard.

“elegant redhead with doughy boobs” – This juxtaposition concerns me. On one side, elegant redhead. That’s admirable. On the other, doughy boobs. Are…are you sure you didn’t mean PILLOWY? PILLOWY boobs? Or is there something else I should be looking at?

“wine and fuck” – That’s straightforward. We can’t provide that for you, but best of luck in the future, man.

“zombie tits shirt” – I kinda wish we provided that. I’ll have to check and see if we can.

“where is big the cat in dream snowboard” – I take the bald eagles one back. This one is wholly more confusing than that.

“the point after with d&d delano little d” – I’m just going to let the insanity of this one speak for itself.

“slutty fans at superbowl” – DAMN IT! You lazy-ass writers missed a huge opportunity to latch onto a great niche. Lazy assholes.

“woodrow fillmore penis name” – I get this one…kind of. I don’t know that person though.

“child pussy picture pornhub” – THIS is singlehandedly the most disturbing. By far. You sick fucks. Let me go on the record as saying that while we at DECF don’t condone rape, it can be funny. But there is nothing funny about child pornography. We don’t have it, support it or want it. Go back to NAMBLA and PETA, you cunts.

“badgers aroused by reggae music” – In any context, this would be funny. But after the last one, this is the funniest damn picture in my head ever. Can you see it? Some badger locked in his room, Bob Marley blasting, pot smoke wreathing his head, little paws rubbing his crotch like there’s no tomorrow? Ah, perverts.

“brittany murphy fellatio waiter” – Wait a minute. Is there a movie I should be watching?

“homeless americans in 1800s” – Gotta say that this isn’t a historically accurate site, bro. Try Wikipedia instead.

“i need real sryus lover boy friend” – And I need real sryus NOT FUCKING RETARD SPEAK, WHORE.

“thewiggles of the’tits” – I kinda wish this was an amazing sci-fi/porno novel. I would probably read it.

and finally,

“frothy vagina” – God bless this country.
———
Well, that’s it folks. I hope you have enjoyed this –

(*KSSHHHHHHHHH*…rape your mother you fucking…oh! I’m back on. Awesome. How bad did you destroy the site? Are we alive? – ed.)

Yeah. No sweat. Done and done. And I mean done.

(Good. Nice to see you handle something so… – ed.)

Done like your MOM on a hot summer Tuesday, complete with tanning lotion, a half a bottle of wine and some carefully placed slices of pineapple. Oh yeah. Hot.

(And we’re finished here. Good night everybody. – ed.)

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