The Anguish Of An English Geek On The Internet

Posted: February 17, 2010 by kaostheory in Rants
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Not all of our articles at Dan Eats Cat Food are drunken, vitriolic rages at holidays and women. Sometimes we go deeper, further down the rabbit hole, exploring new, horrifying areas that require our attention. This entry is one of them. But first, some back story.

We were not always the multinational corporation with thousands of stockholders and a quite lucrative pension plan that we are today. No, in the beginning, there was just we few – we happy few – who fought and scrapped and dug for every last comic idea we could find, even to the point of resorting to wholesale plagiarism from similar low-key comedy websites. It was a nasty world back then, but we had to put kobe beef on our plates, damn it! Where was I? Oh yes. In that time, we had reporters scouring the earth for unmined sources of comedic gold. This is the tale of one such brave reporter.

This article has been in our files for many years. We have always felt that to publish it it would sully the memory of such a brave man, reducing him to tears and vomit of insanity instead of those of drunken irresponsibility. However, the flood that he speaks of has begun to re-emerge and it would be foolhardy – nay, dangerous – to deny the world such insight in such a time as this. Be forewarned, however. A man seized with madness tells tales of unimaginable horror. Your dreams, as ours, may become haunted with the spectre of such evil. Let us begin.
Entry 1: My hand…it shakes as I write this. It as if my very nerves themselves rebel against me now. And who would blame them? For all that they – I – have seen, I would expect no better from them. Perhaps a tip of my flask will calm me.

It is later now. I have begun to relax, the anxiety seeping away from me with every sip of my whiskey that I take. I curse the day that I accepted this assignment from Code Name KaosTheory. That son of a bitch. He knew that sending out here would be a suicide mission. He just wanted me out of the way so he could place his sorry excuse for a pecker betwixt the breasts of that new accounting clerk. Well, I’ll show him! I’ll make it back and expose him for the –

(It is at this point that the next seventeen pages of this entry appear to have been badly water-damaged, either from moisture and condensation from the air around him or perhaps an unfortunate encounter with the entirety of the contents of the office water cooler. The world may never know. Sadly, the damaged pages were unrecoverable. Heh. – ed.)

Entry 2: Regardless of my feelings towards that snake KaosTheory, I have been assigned this task and my sense of duty, honor and the fact that I am only paid upon completion of an article compel me to see it through to the end.

I suppose I should start from the beginning. What IS this mission that has so damned me? Where am I? What am I doing? Even now, these are as unclear to me as bathhouse glass, but I must try. I have been assigned to peruse that most foul of entities on the Internet: Facebook. Over the course of my assignment, I must go deep into the jungle of ignorance and attempt to analyze what godless atrocities are being perpetrated on my second love, the English language. My first love is Miss Penelope Wizenstein of Palm Springs, Florida. As a sidenote, if I do not return as I so often believe I will not, please send this entry along with proof of my death to her at her address. She must know of my love and of my sacrifice to my art. If you have any decency, you will comply with this wish.

(We just tossed the journal in a drawer and left it there for a few years. Our bad. – ed.)

(Also, I fucked her. – KT)

As I was saying, I must penetrate (Heh. – KT) as far as I can into these barbaric subcultures known as high schoolers and, as KaosTheory so verbosely calls them, “stupid fucking wastes of oxygen who deserve no better than to be beaten to death with a 2X4”. While I don’t approve in the slightest of his manic hatred of these creatures, I do agree with the assessment that these poor, backwards animals do create a sense of savagery that puts one ill at ease. They seem to gleefully cheer any time one of their miserable herd damages our language, going so far as to torment and cast out some of their ilk who strive for a better life. I will begin further investigation tomorrow. Goodnight, sweet Penelope. May you be looking at the same stars I am with the same love I give to you.

(Nope. Biting the pillow. Several times. – KT)

(KT, shut the fuck up and let the man tell his story. That’s an order. – ed.)

(FINE. Spoilsport. – KT)

Entry 3: The first place I am meant to explore more fully is a group entitled “Parents call it “Back Talk” we call it “explaining why their wrong”.” Oh. Oh dear. Well, setting aside the horrific arrogance explicated by the title – I fully believe that anyone who says this phrase is, in fact, talking back, I’m sure that the misspelling of the title is just a simple misunderstanding. Surely, people won’t be so stupid as to actually defend such a mistake.

“And nobody has to spell correctly enless ur in school and most of y’all are spelling these things WRONG!!!” Ah…hm. Well, one bad apple, right?

“Ok number one u fags who use numbers- there cant be like twenty number 3 and 2s number to for the ppl who rlly dont have n e thinf better to do- wtf does it Matter the diffrence!?! I dont even knoe the diffrence between most of them!! Now stfu and get a life get a gf or bf and get out and do something!! Ty for all the ppl who rnt total dumasses!!! ♥ / lyndee” – I…what? What in the world does having a significant other have to do with using proper linguistics? Clearly, madam, you are correct in your assertion that you do not know the difference between many grammatical issues. Such prescience is rare these days.

“Omfg… y isz yall fuckin kidsz so fuckin gay… lyk i put money… the dude whp made the mistake will beat the fuci outta all of yall…. with mah help…. to me yall just some fuck boysz who have no lyf… and stay on the computer all day… HOW ABOUT THIS…. GO KILL YURSELF YU FUCKBOYSZ… INCLUDING THE HATIN HOESZ….” – Erk. I was…I was unaware of the grammatical usage of the letter “z” to further explain…I don’t even know.

” Secondly, if you wanna be “grammatical” sentences do not start with because! Why? I do not know I didn’t make the rules. That was somebody who wanted to make life harder for people.” – Madam, I can assure you that the intent of the creators of that usage was not to make life more difficult but to offer a set of rules for writing, that is all.

“haha. Wow. Its the internet. Shit. Its facebook. No one says ne thing right on here. Iz no biggy. Their, they’re.. Sounds the same.. Gets the point across.. Why fuss ovr it?. – Why…why fuss over it? They are incorrect, that is why! If you use it wrong here, you will use it wrong everywhere.

I…I must leave this damned place. Rest my weary head to dream of cognates and thee and thou. My brain is stretched to capacity. Goodnight world.

Entry 4: It is another day. I fear it. As I opened my eyes, I cursed the world that I still was drawing breath. Today I am…no, it cannot me. I have…multiple groups to study. Lord, please guide me through this hell.

The first is…oh no, seriously? This can’t be right. “Seeing your ex with their new partner and noticing they have down-graded.” Maybe it’s not so bad.


There…there. They are clean. I feel woozy and I believe that the drying blood is attracting bugs and various native fauna to the site. I must depart and find a new group to study. Quickly now. We don’t wish to be consumed here. Not like this.

Next is…*sigh*…”Huh? Nothing. What did you say? Never mind. OMG JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID!”. Oh THIS will surely be a bastion of good grammar. I’m starting to go numb finally.

“Sumtimes it’s wen u accidently talk to urself u hav to say nevermind or wen u say sumthin that If it was heard the first time it can’t b said again if it was supposed to b a funny in the moment thing….. Nevermind is for many uses but u still do a gud point haha.” – “Do a gud point”? Is this some sort of mating ritual? I can’t decipher it. Capitalized words in the middle of sentences? Wen? Hav? B? It’s like some primitive language bastardization.

“SOMETIMEZ WEN YU SAY IT THE SECOND TIME IT LOSES MEANING SO THEN IT JUX ENDS UP LOOKIN LIKE YUR LAME… AM I RITE?” – No. No sir you are NOT right. “Jux” is not a word in the English language. It’s not even a word in HINDI, you miserable…*ahem*. Pardon me.

“yeahhhh…. im kinda to lazy too repeat it to lol” – This…this actually offends me. You used both “to” and “too” but incorrectly. You legitimately had the ability to use them right and you DIDN’T. What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I WANT TO FUCKING FIND YOU AND STRANGLE THE LIFE OUT OF YOUR USELESS CORPSE YOU FUCKING –

(This…goes on for several dozen more pages. Had we known the mental strain it was taking upon him, making him break his proper English bearing, we would have extracted him immediately. Unfortunately, we had no way of knowing. It gets worse. – ed.)

Entry 5: I am alive. Still. I do not know why. I do not understand why I am being punished so harshly in this life. What have I done to deserve such torment? This goes beyond abuse. It is as if I am not just actively seeking out Cthulhu but when I find him, I am jabbing him vigorously with a sharpened stick, bound and determined to make the world collapse under the weight of such roiling insanity. I pray for death but death does not come.

What do we have in front of me today? Oh, wonderful. “No you idiot, it’s not my “time of month” you’re just pissing me off”. Because frank discussion about the ins and outs of menstruation were what I desired the most today when I awoke from my tortured dreams.

“omg lads should realy 1be kikd in the balls every day for a week to understand wah pain ios lol” – Are you saying that we men deserve physical abuse of our testicles because we cannot empathize with the agony of bleeding from our orifices for a week each month? Madam, are you one of those feminists who demand equality in EVERYTHING? Or, as is my theory, are you just a cunt?

“time of the month?…. why do men think that periods are the answer to our moods……. it’s usually a load of b**ls: if it’s got balls or an engine it bound to be trouble – us women? we are almost perfect!!!! they just want to dismiss our opinions!!” – I can safely say that you are not almost perfect, to be quite frank. There is almost nothing more imperfect, in fact, than a woman!

(We here at DECF do not condone such rampant sexism. We fully believe that women are more than just warm holes to penetrate. – ed.)

(Speak for your damn self. – KT)

“Hahah. Wow Freddy and all the other douche bags on here saying crap. First of all I doubt that girl Sammy is a lesbian and even if she is NO GIRL str8, bi or lez would want you or your balls. And I surely as hell don’t and I am GAY LMFAO. How you like em apples?” – I…I don’t understand this. Not one bit. If she is a lesbian, surely that is an implication that she does not, as she put it, “want him or his balls”. Does that require raucous laughter?

“ok den ima invite my dad nd my mum my 3 brotherz nd 2 sisterz haha to join fb first then ur page lmfaoooo fukn old generation dumb fuks they cnt even use a fukn pc omg its sooo embarising haha” – For the love of God, Montressor!

(Here is where the tale ends, at least that which is decipherable. The last multiple pages are coated in a mixture of blood, tears, vomit and feces. It appears as if his gentle soul could no longer take the pressure building inside his brain. When we found him, blood leaking from his eyes and ears, he finally looked at peace. Requiescat in pace, my friend – ed.)

(So long and don’t let the door hitcha on the way out! – KT)
Our story is now complete. Let us, however, never forget the sacrifice this man made for the good of all peoples. He suffered horribly and died, a broken, insane man. If you are one of us – bright, smart, lovers of grammar – fight the fight he began. If you are one of those evil multitudes that drove him to death…I hope you fucking rot in Hell.

Peace out, y’all!

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