V-Day Traditions and What They Symbolize (Really)

Posted: February 14, 2010 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , , , , ,

My apologies. We here at DECF have spent the last multiple days in a drunken stupor in celebration of the New Orleans Saints winning the Super Bowl in grand fashion. Pred3000 is still unconscious. Raybesto has been throwing up for hours. God bless America.

However, our absence does not mean we have been caught unawares at what is happening very soon. Singles’ Awareness Day. VD, Fuck You And Fuck Everyone That Is In Love Day. Whatever you wish to call it, we understand. Some of you may be happy. Some may be sad. But you all know that if you’re going to do the day right – whether that is by drinking so hard that you vomit blood or by loving so hard you cum blood – you have to have DECF giving you a little background on this most vile of holidays. That’s why we’re going to explain to you what different traditions seem to symbolize and what they really symbolize. You can never be too careful!
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Tradition: Flowers
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “You are more beautiful and more fragile than this rose. I will take care of you forever and keep you flourishing.”
Actual Symbolism: “Yeah, it’s pretty. I’ll give you that. It is going to die within a week though. Isn’t transience grand?”

Tradition: Chocolates
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “Something sweet for the sweetest thing I know. You are more delicious to me than this chocolate.”
Actual Symbolism: “Clearly I don’t find you fat enough. Hope you like empty calories!”

Tradition: Cards
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “This card can only barely scratch the surface of the words I wish to say to you. My tongue, though, is stifled and my thoughts jumbled at the merest sight of you, so this has to do.”
Actual Symbolism: “Yeah, I guess I love you ‘n’ shit. Can you believe they charge $6.50 for this crap? Highway fucking robbery.”

Tradition: Hearts
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “I am giving you the key to my very being by giving you this heart. It is a metaphor for love and trust.”
Actual Symbolism: “I…um…want you to have access to my organs? Or maybe just one BIG one, amiright? Haha! Fuck, that’s a lot of blood.”

Tradition: Cupid
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “Childlike innocence! It spreads a beautiful message to the world.”
Actual Symbolism: “Are you suggesting something? I don’t want kids. Especially not mutants like that. Are those wings? Did you live next to Chernobyl when you were growing up? Maybe I should put the poor bastard out of its misery.”

Tradition: Jewelry
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “Our love will last far beyond the lifespan of this sparkling stone! It will be dust before I stop loving you.”
Actual Symbolism: “At least I don’t think you’re a CHEAP whore. By the way, this entitles me to anal, right?”

Tradition: Champagne
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “This is bubbly and sweet, just like you my dear. Also, you are ten times as intoxicating.”
Actual Symbolism: “I’m spending a few hundred bucks on this dinner. Why the hell would I not want to be drunk when I pay? Come on.”

Tradition: Red
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “The red represents you, the very essence that flows through my veins.”
Actual Symbolism: “Just to be clear, you aren’t on your period right now, correct? I don’t feel like sleeping on the couch tonight.”

Tradition: White
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “The white is the purest of heart, mind, body and soul. It is the renewal of your virginity.”
Actual Symbolism: “Wait, what? Shouldn’t dealing with virginity be RED instead? I mean, logistically, it’s more sound there.”

Tradition: Pink
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “Pink – expressing how you are eternally female, beautiful and soft.”
Actual Symbolism: “Female, beautiful, soft and pink? Well, that certainly CAN describe you. If you know what I mean. I mean your pussy.”

Tradition: Spending money
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “I would give all I have and own in the world to make you happy!”
Actual Symbolism: “Oh God. I’m going to have to declare bankruptcy now.”

Tradition: Sex
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “This is us physically expressing our love for each other in the most intimate of settings.”
Actual Symbolism: “If I don’t cum three times tonight, I am going to be so fucking mad.”

Tradition: Love
Commonly Accepted Symbolism: “This is who we are. Together. We not only are in love, we represent it. The world itself will bend a knee and weep in awe of the strength of our togetherness. You am I and I am you. One body. One mind. One soul. One heart. Love. I love you.”
Actual Symbolism: “So, yeah…just to let you know, I’m seeing like three other people on the side. You’re just not giving me what I need. For instance, blowjobs. Those might move you up the rankings a bit. So…see you. I’m off to another one’s place. You might want to get tested, just FYI.”
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And there you have it. For all you poor men not knowing what you’re doing symbolizes…well…we’re here to help. Just remember, if you feel yourself falling too deep, a swift punch to your balls and biting your tongue will clear your mind enough to escape from the Siren’s Curse. Best of luck. I’m going to drink until I puke.

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