Super Bowl Sunday for the Non-Fan/Significant Other and the SB Drinking Game

Posted: February 7, 2010 by kaostheory in Advice, Informative
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Super Bowl Sunday. A real MAN’S holiday, not like that wimp-ass Valentine’s Day designed to rip the testes off of any man unlucky enough to have access to a bank account and a pussy that demands recompense for the privilege of using it. The only days that compare are St. Patrick’s Day – a day to celebrate the act of getting drunk – and Halloween – a day to celebrate getting drunk while watching girls in slutty costumes get drunk. Truly, Super Bowl Sunday is in the Pantheon of Manly.

What, though, is a man or woman to do if they do not care about/understand football and are viewing the game with/dating someone who is more rabid than Cujo about it? Well, we’re going to offer you a little bit of help on this most holy of football days. You know, to take the edge off.
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The first – and most important – piece of advice is at least pretend that you give a shit about the game. Too many Super Bowl parties are ruined by “outsiders” pissing and moaning about how it’s boring and why are we watching this and how about we turn it to the History Channel instead because there’s an utterly fascinating program on the mating cycle of the African I Don’t Fucking Care Bird. Relationships have ended with less reason than that. Fun fact: it is legally accepted that if someone is bitching about having to watch the game, spectators are allowed to A) headbutt them in the face (if they are male) or B) take them into a different room and rape them (if they are female). Do yourself – and your face or vagina or ass – a favor and at least act like you care. Well, that or don’t come. Don’t watch. Stay at home and let fans have their fun.

Secondly, it is advised to learn the basics about the game and teams before the game. While the complainer is one of the most annoying of guests, the questioner is right up there. The enthusiasm and desire to care about the sport is welcomed for sure, but nothing saps the energy out of a room faster than having a critical play missed due to asking “Why did they call timeout there?” or “So the guys in the striped shirts don’t get the ball?” or, God forbid, “Why doesn’t that team in the red just walk up and take the ball from the guy holding it?” Please. For the sanity of those around you, either attempt to understand the basics beforehand or just suffer in silence and ask during the commercials.

Speaking of which, for the love of all that is holy, don’t ignore the game by doing other stuff but run into the room and shush everyone because the commercials are on. Yes, we understand that for whatever reason the commercials during the Super Bowl aren’t hated and muted like all others but are held up as exciting and fresh. Yes, we understand that you may not care about the game and the commercials are the only reason you’re watching. Yes, we understand that you want to feel involved with what’s happening. But come on. If you don’t give enough of a shit to pay attention to the game, don’t act like you have the fucking right to quiet everyone – probably pissed or excited about something that happened – just because a fucking eTrade commercial has a damn monkey.

Next – and this one does depend on the audience you’re seeing the game with – know when to cheer and when to boo. If you’re watching a game with all – let’s say – Saints fans, don’t cheer for Peyton Manning of the Colts unless you are goddamn sure you are rooting for the Colts. An innocent mistake by someone who doesn’t quite understand what’s happening is fine and glossed over. Mistakes happen. But if you are cheering against the team with the overwhelming support in the room, you are treading on dangerous ground. Devil’s Advocate is fine in some situations. Political discussions for example. But actively cheering against the supported team because you think it’s funny to make them angry is a bad, bad way to go about things. Since parties usually include a lot of alcohol being poured and consumed around the house/room/bar, if you don’t get your face bashed in by a drunken biker you pissed off because you wanted to, you got lucky. You fucking cunt.

Along with that, please, please know why you are cheering for the team you are doing so for. It is acceptable to cheer for a team because A) you have always supported them, B) you live in the general area and they are the team that is the closest by, C) they are a great success story and a win would cap off a remarkable year, D) the opposing team is so hated, so reviled that unless you live in that area, you have no right to like them, or E) the opposing team is a direct rival of your favorite team. You are allowed to “adopt” a team in the case of E. However, it is NOT acceptable to cheer for a team because A) you like their uniforms, B) everyone else is cheering for the other one, C) the other team’s colors are ugly, or D) because you think players on the team are attractive. That last one applies mostly to girls. Jesus Christ. Having “cute players” is absolutely fucking unacceptable fandom rationalization. We men don’t support a WNBA team because their players are “hot”. If “their player is hot” is the best reason you have to back a team, you are not a fucking football fan and don’t have any right to call yourself one. Other fans of that team should be ashamed to have you as a fan. It’s the truth.

Finally, don’t act like you’re above it. This is a development off of Point 1. We understand that you may not want to be there or are there to support someone. That’s fine. Pissing and moaning will bring bad things upon you but there is worse that you can do. You can act like everyone else is silly for caring about the game. “It’s just a game” should never fucking leave your mouth. We understand that. We don’t care. For the length of time we are watching it, nothing else matters to us. “This is so stupid” is another one that should stay at home. If you think verbalizing that is a helpful thing, YOU should stay at home. You are there so just enjoy yourself. Seriously. It’s an excuse to get drunk, cheer and lose yourself in a moment. If you can’t enjoy that, take the stick out of your orifices and let yourself be human.

Follow these and your Super Bowl experience will be a happy, healthy, fun one!
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Alternatively, you can get hammered as balls drinking. We’re going to offer a bonus with this article and give you some basic drinking game ideas!

Field goal (your team) – Cheer and drink

Field goal (other team) – Curse and drink

Touchdown (your team) – Stand up, cheer and drink

Touchdown (their team) – Throw drink, curse, make another drink and drink

Turnover (either team) – Finish your drink and refill

Missed field goal (either team) – Pour out half your drink

Shot of owner (either team) – Give the finger and drink

Shot of players’ wives (either team) – Groan, complain about how you don’t care and drink

Beer commercial – Kill your beer

Financial commercial -Call your financial planner

Repeat commercial – Drink until the commercial is over

Controversial commercial – Drink until you can see both sides of the issue

Win (your team) – Celebrate and drink until you black out due to happiness

Loss (your team) – Swear repeatedly, maybe cry and drink until you forget that the fucking game even happened

There we have it! Please don’t die, readers!

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