Archive for January, 2010

Alright! I’m half drunk on Hypnotik and cough syrup so why don’t we do a little roleplaying? Alright, how about you be a Catholic schoolgirl who just HAS to have a good grade and I’ll be your strict yet warm priest fighting with his sexual urges combating his oath to celibacy due to his unconscious designs on your maidenhead?

No? Fine. Prude.

How about this? Let’s say that you’re…how about a sinking TV network who just got rid of one of your biggest stars in a boondoggle of epic proportions and subsequently had to deal with your network being slammed near constantly in the media for weeks and I’m a hot young producer pitching shows that you have to at least consider to avoid bankruptcy?


Well fuck you. We’re doing it anyways. You’ll love it, I promise.

Let’s get to it, Stuart! (Stuart? The fuck? I guess that cough syrup is kicking in now)


First up, we have Who Wants to Be a Drunkulaire?. Think shots. Think Regis Philbin. Think awkward flirtation with sorority sluts and young men questioning their sexuality. Think a fucking gold mine.

If that doesn’t float your boat, we can always go with Karaoke Wine Funtime Express!. We take the worst of Japanese culture, mix in some box wine, throw in some American Idol and we have ourselves a great show! Who DOESN’T like watching talentless assholes embarass themselves on TV? I know I do!

Taking off the success of Jeff Foxworthy’s inexplicably popular TV show as well as the horrible failure of a human being that was Darva Conger, next up is Who Wants To Marry a Fifth Grader?. We bring in pedophiles in from around the globe to compete in various tests of physical and mental skill in order to find who is to win the hand of a burgeoning prepubescent. The victor then engages in hand-to-hand combat to the death with the girl’s father to determine if she is to remain with her father or be passed on as property to the filthy beast. Oh and the father is a Marine. You know. For legal purposes.

If game shows aren’t your thing, not to worry! We have plenty of other ideas for shows. How do you feel about reality shows? Good? Good! Well, we have a dynamite show for you. It’s called Live Porn. Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “How could we possibly get away with it”? That’s a good question. I haven’t thought that far ahead but I have total faith in the writing crew to make it tasteful and ready for primetime!

We could also go with Tits for Sale, following the travels of real life prostitutes trying to make a living on the mean streets of New York City. We could hound them at every stop, even when they do coke or blow an undercover cop for cash money! And let’s be realistic here. It wouldn’t be any trashier than Maury or Jerry Springer.

If you want to stay away from the “potentially FCC-inflaming” territory in terms of reality shows, we could do a “Big Brother” style show where ten college students are stuck in a frat house for six months and those that make it out without becoming alcoholics or getting STDs gain admission to a grad school of their choice. We could call it Every Fucking College Student In America Right Now Except These Kids Have More Hope or EFCSIARNETKHMH for short. Big ratings!

I suppose you COULD always go with The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon…wait, what the fuck am I saying? You want to MAKE money and not have your network crumble into nothingness like Air America. Scratch that one. Forget I said anything. I can hear the cries of the damned in agony because of that suggestion. Mea culpa, damned.

As for more traditional programming, we have some ideas that could really do well there. The first – and best – one is A Half Hour Of Uncomfortable Bigotry. It would revolve around the interactions of characters designed to be cultural stereotypes. There would be the smart, submissive Asian who ‘talka rikea dis’ and can’t drive, the uneducated inner city black, gold-grilled thug with a penchant for crack, ‘bitch-ass honeys’, fried chicken and rap music, the fat chill Samoan who would be constantly eating and calling the others “brotha”, the pot-smoking Jamaican blaring reggae music at all hours within the wreath of marijuana smoke around his long, dirty dreads, the flaming, tight-shirted homosexual who would be caught in HILARIOUS misunderstandings with phallic objects all the time while talking in a fey, high-pitched lisp, the old-timey racist and bigoted white Southern neighbor bound and determined to catch the thug stealing his TV, Snooki from “Jersey Shore” and Carlos Mencia. EVERYONE would tune in to get pissed off. Guaranteed!

Now if it’s cheap, low-budget ratings you want, the next idea will be wonderful. It’s called Taylor Lautner’s Abs. It’ll consist of that smug, tanned mongoloid standing around or doing menial tasks with his shirt off. It’ll bring in the “tween” and “Twilight fan” audience or what I like to call the “absolutely assured blockbuster money but at the expense of not only your soul but the very soul of literature and film as we know it” crowd. You will make money, but is it worth it? I’m just the pitchman so I can’t tell you either way.

The last idea I have for you today is a big one. It’s called Jerry the Pervert. It follows the life of Jerry, a self-proclaimed pervert who has to cope with the non-perverted world around him. Awkward situations abound when he helps a woman find her dog…and he becomes aroused! Watch him find love as he meets a cute waitress…and becomes aroused! See him sink into depression and contemplate suicide…as he becomes aroused! It’s a sure-fire winner.

So you see, it’s not that hard to come up with hit TV shows after all! Take a cue, networks! Don’t be like NBC! Be like DEC…F!