Archive for December, 2009

Tips For a Happy, Healthy Christmas

Posted: December 23, 2009 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , ,

Are…are you serious? We’re still doing this? We’re still trying to make this blog limp along like a raccoon with its leg caught in a beartrap? Let it die already, you idiot. Clearly you have issues with deadlines so…

Oh, hello. Sorry about that. You…um…weren’t supposed to hear that. I just was talking to my producers who have informed me that Dan Eats Cat Food is NOT, in fact, deader than Brittany Murphy after a three-day coke binge. [Oh, topical humor…and within a week, too. That’s not going to piss people off at all. -ed.]

Pause for angry hatred. 3…2…1…okay, we’re good. [I hate you so much. I hate you with a burning fire. – ed.]

As I was saying, apparently the braindead asstards who run this site still believe there is something of literary value to be gained from keeping this bastion of poor writing alive in whatever unwashed, pee-stained corner of the Wendy’s bathroom that is the Internet it exists in this week. And speaking of this week, we’re on the fasttrack to the most controversial holiday of year, save Black History Month and Rape an Electrician Thursday: Christmas. It seems as if every year, we as a human race are bombarded more and more not with joys and tinsel and happy little reindeer dressed in Santa hats with their jingle bells painted a festive red and green but with shitheads on both uber-Christian and atheist sidelines throwing vitriol on everything they disagree with that comes from the other side, customers throwing others through Walmart front windows and an inexplicable sense of dread about the entire holiday. It’s enough to make one wish [redacted – You’re an asshole, not a heretic – ed.]. That being said, we here at Dan Eats Cat Food are nothing if not benevolent and love-bringers [Are you DRUNK? -ed.], so in the spirit of the season, we’re going to give you tips on how to make your Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Eid/Tet/Festival of Lights [Enough – ed.] the most special-ist season of them all and maybe we’ll even find ourselves having a little fun along the way!

[Editor’s Note – People. Let me take a second to talk to you. You apparently still read this which concerns me in ways I can’t explicate but as a readership base, you are important to us. So for that reason alone, I cannot make it any clearer than this: do not under ANY circumstances follow any of the advice this man is about to give you in this article. Not one piece. The writer of this piece – and really anyone who writes on this site but this man in particular – is borderline criminally insane. We only allow him to write here because he has photographic evidence of some very important people doing some very illegal things with very underage persons. I repeat: do NOT listen to this man. This statement is a warning and absolves us of any damage – property, civil or human – that may occur henceforth. Good luck.]

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Create gifts from the heart (or other body parts): Store-bought gifts are just so impersonal. Sure, an iPod might be a really neat thing for the music lover in your life, but wouldn’t a song written just for them mean more? Or how about a hand-carved bird feeder for the yard? And what about that special someone that requires the best gift of all? A to-scale plaster replica of your dick says “I cherish you” more than a necklace or a diamond ring. [Sonofabitch. – ed.]

Replace those boring old Christmas lights with something that has a little more pizazz to it: Gasoline in your rain gutters with a long fuse can help light up the house for everyone to see! Plus, it’ll help you meet some new people. Specifically, new, pissed-off people wearing funny red hats and cursing the ground you walk on. Invite them in for a cup of hot cocoa when it’s all over!

Spice up that eggnog with something special: Tailor the drink to fit the mood of the party. 2:1 girl to guy ratio – Use Captain Morgan to kickstart those panties. 1:2 girl to guy ratio – Use Everclear to blast away the fact that spitroasting is not only an option, but probable. 1:1 girl to guy ratio – Use brandy to get people the hookup. Work Christmas party – Strychnine.

Christmas caroling can be annoying. Why not use different songs?: For example, “Fuck Tha Police” by N.W.A. is a rollicking piece that will certainly get the neighbors talking. As are “Bitches Ain’t Shit”, “99 Problems” and “The Dreidel Song”. All Christmas favorites the family is sure to enjoy!

Volunteer to be a Mall Santa: That way you can have all that sweet, sweet five [redacted – COME ON, MAN! – ed.]

Avoid mistletoe at all costs: It’s not only poisonous to animals and humans alike but it can lead to accidents. A kiss session under the mistletoe can lead to a makeout session in the Miata can lead to a sex session in the apartment can lead to an abortion session in the three months. See how easy it is to fall from a holiday tradition to destroying a life? Chilling in its simplicity, really.

Don’t accept those shitty-ass sweaters anymore: Seriously, man. It’s not funny anymore. If your wacky aunt or grandma is sending you this sort of thing, look into a nice home with lots of orderlies to make sure she’s nice and taken care of. If she still insists on sending you those sweaters, at least demand that they be sewn from the hair of a grizzly bear. One way or another, someone’s getting mauled and isn’t that what Christmas is about?

Spruce up those dry Christmas cards that you send each year: Does your girlfriend/wife/sister/daughter have nice tits? Well, don’t bogart them, brother! Share them with the world! I can promise you that old Uncle Reggie will praise you endlessly for striping HIS candy cane. [That doesn’t even make sense – ed.]

Speaking of candy canes…: Just keep this one fact in the back of your head as you suck on a candy cane. Be you male or female or some gross transitional period in between…you look like you are giving fellatio. Sorry, but it’s true. You suck the red off of one, you look like you blew someone so hard there’s blood. I say don’t touch ’em now.

Christmas stockings are so passe now.: Why not try a Christmas bra? Or Christmas briefs? How about Christmas tube sock dangling precariously from the semi-erect penis of a alt-rock/funk bassist? I know some people can get behind that one! Or have that one get behind them at very least. That was an ass sex joke if you didn’t get it. [We got it, thanks. -ed.]

If you’re going with a Christmas tree, avoid spruce or pine or fir: I know, I know, these are the “popular” ones. But everyone gets them. Everyone. Do you want to be part of the herd? I didn’t think so. If you want to be really fancy, go with a elm tree or a cactus. Hell, if you want to be really original, avoid the whole tree thing altogether and make your Christmas display revolve around a chained-up, pissed-off Bengal tiger. I promise you that nobody would have that one, for sure.

As for Rudolph…: Let’s get one thing straight here. This is a reindeer – a wild animal without its shots – that is landing on your roof with a glowing red nose. I wouldn’t call this “cute” or “charming”. I’d say it’s more along the lines of being a catastrophically rabid creature with a cruel owner who has access to a forklift. Don’t feed that thing carrots. Be its Angel of Mercy and use a 20-06 to end its eternal torment on Earth.

Finally, the Fat Man himself.: Now, if I know Santa like I know Santa – and I KNOW Santa…carnally, in fact [Goddamnit! – ed. ] – he’s not going to want “milk and cookies” sitting out for him. What is he? Fucking seven? No. You really want to get on the Big Guy’s good side, you set out a fifth of Jack and a skin mag. That’s the sort of offering that gets you a PS3. Or so I’m told.

Well, that’s all the advice we here at Dan Eats Cat Food can offer you this holiday season! Take them to heart and have a very Merry Christmas!

[I’m going to drink until I vomit and pass out on my living room floor. Maybe I won’t wake up and I’ll finally be happy. – ed]