Archive for November, 2009

Ladies and gentlemen…


The very word arouses laughter and causes embarrassed ejaculations of…okay, enough puns. There are going to be PLENTY later on.

Anyways, as men, many of you realize the definite importance of naming your wedding tackle appropriately. You can’t do something like “Fuzzles”. That’s fucking weak-sounding. As does ANYTHING that is just a first name. John. Mark. Paul. And so forth. These are weak and impotent names that make you sound…well…weak and impotent. You need manly names. Proud names. Names that will make you stand erect and say “I am man! See my cock!”

Yet, this can be difficult. Much effort goes into the decision-making process, as it should. However, we here at DECF are here to help by giving you a comprehensive guide to naming your penis. This entry is United States Presidents. Come and join me as we get started.

If you enjoy having sex with virgins, name it George Washington. Think back to what he cut down in urban legend. You’ll get it.

If you have a sexual fetish for extraterrestrials, name it John Adams. Sedition Act, what?

If you have ‘jungle fever’, name it Thomas Jefferson. This also works especially well if you’re into BDSM.

If you have a special affinity for women in New Orleans, name it James Madison. Hookers are even better.

If you like making women feel good, name it James Monroe. Yes, this is obscure. Fuck you.

If you feel inadequate when compared to your father and want to make up for it, name it John Quincy Adams. You know HE did.

If you like referring to it as ‘Old Hickory’, name it Andrew Jackson. This also works if you like raping Native American women and making them cry.

If you like people asking what’s so special about it, name it Martin Van Buren. Seriously, does ANYONE know what he did?

If you are a premature ejaculator with weak erections, name it William Henry Harrison. This might be one to…you know, keep to yourself.

If you like taking Texan girls against their will, name it John Tyler. Also, if you fill in where WHH up there fails sexually.

If you have had it referred to by They Might Be Giants, name it James K. Polk. /end obscure music reference

If you like it rough and are always ready, name it Zachary Taylor. Good gravy, nicknames are helpful for this.

If you are quite well endowed, name it Millard Fillmore. Get it? Because you can “fill more” pussy…never mind.

If you have a Prince Albert, name it Franklin Pierce. Yet another one I’m not proud of.

If you are so lame that people can’t even make fun of you, name it James Buchanan. Pain in my ass…

If you refer to ejaculation as ‘freeing the slaves’ and/or go au naturale with the ‘forest’, name it Abraham Lincoln. Probably a log cabin joke there too.

If you have been thrown out of bed for being terrible, name it Andrew Johnson. This one already fits with the genital puns anyways.

If you have had ‘crotch rot’, name it Ulysses S. Grant. See, because you had ‘corruption’ and HE had corruption.

If you have ‘yellow fever’, name it Rutherford B. Hayes. Holy BALLS is this one obscure.

If you hate Mondays, name it James A. Garfield. Wait…fuck.

If you have managed to convince people to sleep with you even though they hated you, name it Chester A. Arthur. The history! It burns!

If you can come twice in fairly rapid succession, name it Grover Cleveland. And if you can’t come at all…you shouldn’t be with a woman.

If you…you know what, I can’t even fucking FIND one for this. If you name your dick Benjamin Harrison…well, good luck.

If you have had your prowess referred to as the ‘gold standard’, name it William McKinley. This also works if your ex who hates you is Polish.

If you have been called a ‘bull moose’ in terms of fuckin’, name it Theodore Roosevelt. Also appropriate for if you like her riding you rough.

If you have one that’s fat but ineffectual, name it William Howard Taft. You should totally ask her if she wants to take a bath, as well.

If you are willing to go with a cheap joke instead of doing actual witty research, name it Woodrow Wilson. Oh come on. Like I wouldn’t go with a “woody reference”.

If you enjoy getting ‘dome’, name it Warren G. Harding. Just make sure you sing “I’m A Little Teapot” which getting it.

If you stay silent during sex, name it Calvin Coolidge. Yeah…you lose. I guess.

If you suck at what you do, name it Herbert Hoover. I…I am so sorry.

If you have ever had sex so good you couldn’t walk after, name it Franklin Delano Roosevelt. I was not going to go for the cheap incest crack, thank you very much.

If you come with the force of an atom bomb, name it Harry S. Truman. Also if you come during doggy-style (aka ‘behind’)…yeah, I know.

If you have named it affectionately ‘Ike’, name it Dwight D. Eisenhower. Longer name implies longer penis. True story.

If you absolutely love getting head, name it John F. Kennedy. Oh thank God…finally an easy one.

If you have gotten yourself into a situation with no good way out of it, name it Lyndon B. Johnson. Um. Yeah. Moving on.

If you like having sex with squirters, name it Richard Nixon. Because the vagina is the gate to the female soul. Get it?

If you have ever been a substitute because a boy couldn’t quite make it, name it Gerald Ford. And you, of course, can’t stay too long.

If you like exploiting the homeless for your own selfish needs, name it Jimmy Carter. Or you could, you know, be doing good with it too, I guess.

If you like girls snowballing each other with your seed, name it Ronald Reagan. Gahhhhh…okay this one is gross.

If you enjoy going down on a girl, name it George H.W. Bush. See, because you’re “reading their lips”…

If you have an unnatural fascination with cigars and apparently Freud, name it Bill Clinton. This one actually had too many jokes to make with it.

If you have fucked a girl and she’s said ‘Your dad’s better’, name it George W. Bush. Again, way, way too many to make with this.

and finally,

If you have gotten a date with the hottest girl you know and have been hyped way the fuck up but just can’t quite deliver the goods, name it Barack Obama. Also if you’re a black guy.

Guh. Two months later, this damn one’s finished. I gotta tell you, ladies and gents. We have had some shitty, shitty Presidents in our country’s history. But surely we won’t ever make that mistake again…right? Right?

Enjoy this thing.

Oh, and tits.