Archive for October, 2009

Truth in Advertising

Posted: October 12, 2009 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , , , ,

You know, I really like masturbating. It’s just so…what? What are you talking about? But I thought that the hiatus…what do you mean we’re live? You’re bullshitting me. Don’t pull this crap, man! I will fucking gut you, you stu-

/feed interrupted
/insert peppy music with a sheepish looking cartoon me shrugging
/feed resumed

Hello everyone. Apparently, my writing block is dissolving slowly like a kidney stone in an acid bath, so I’m here to entertain you. Lucky me. We’re here today to talk a little bit about truth in advertising. Now, as we all know, advertisers are slick, world-savvy businessmen and women who want nothing more to sell you cheap or expensive goods to pad their own bank accounts. As such, they lie like a politician on the witness stand. Every day we are inundated with loud, flashy ads designed to inflame our senses and overwhelm our judgement center, leaving us flailing in the grasp of our own ids, paralyzed by over-stimulation and a demand to indulge our most base, retarded instincts. Children and adults alike are damned to an unending stream of moving, yelling, colorful Hell. As each progressive ad occurs, we in the world are sent closer to oblivion as The Unending Ad swiftly approaches, borne on wings of burning dollar bills and screaming its Deathsong to consume all the peace, love, hope and joy in the world. Beware, children, for the end is well and truly near.

Uh, ahem. However, we here at Dan Eats Cat Food are here to deconstruct what it would be like if brands were legally required to tell you the truth, no matter what. Enjoy.

Viagra = You’ll be able to fuck until either your pelvis or your heart gives out.

Nike = There’s only like an 85% chance that a poor Asian kid made this shoe.

DeBeers = South Africans died for this so she goddamn well better say ‘Yes’.

McDonald’s = Yes, it may be horse meat but at least it’s not Taco Bell.

Taco Bell = Fuck you, McDonald’s. Oh and have fun shitting out your colon.

Charmin = What? We don’t own shares in Taco Bell! That would be…silly…and not at all like our business plan.

Budweiser = We actually get a cut of all DUI arrest fines.

Macintosh = I bet we could get even more hipsters by selling the iPot.

Nintendo = The Wii is selling? That was made as a joke! We haven’t had an original thought in years!

Sony = Wii has the mothers and kids, Xbox has the retards. Who is left for Sony to exploit?

Microsoft = Our dicks are bigger than Mac, Sony and Nintendo combined!

Tampax = Yeah, we think this shit is gross too.

CNN = Fuck the right!

FOX News = Fuck the left!

MSNBC = Fuck you both! But fuck the right a little more!

Twitter = Because the world really cares what color your urine is!

Facebook = We were big long before Twitter and will last long after. Who doesn’t want to talk to old kindergarten enemies?

Myspace = /extended glittery pink drooling

Yahoo! = Quiet, elegant, understated. We are the gentleman’s search engine.

AOL – Ahahah! Ahahahahahahah! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

MSN/Bing! = What the hell? We could get into this.

Google = We are GOD!

Target = How have we not been bombed yet? I mean, we’re practically asking for it.

Kmart = H-hello? Is anyone out there? Will someone please buy from us? We have families too.

Walmart = Ph’nglui Mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

And there you have it. Yes there are more products to attack but to be frank, we’re drunk and don’t really give two shits anymore. So, I guess keep coming back in later days to actually see DECF take off once more. Unless somehow I die.

/uneasy silence