The Doctor Is In #3

Posted: September 8, 2009 by kaostheory in Mailbag
He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

Doctor Awesome McKickass is back and ready to banish any thoughts of anything not awesome from your minds. And for the record, he thinks that tits ARE awesome, but dough sex is most definitely not awesome. The doctor…is now in.

Did you read that entry about the sex with Thai people and the Russians and the bread sex?
Bill in LA

– First, answer me this. Are you legally retarded? Do you have problems forming cogent sentences? Or are you just playing at being stupid? Bad show either way. And yes, I did. Well, my lawyers did and have advised me to stay silent on the matter. Legal purposes and all that. I will say, though, that once the hammer comes down, it’s coming down hard on some of the staffers here. By which I mean Raybestos, the sick fuck.

I don’t believe you have a dinosaur.
Ian in Madison

– And I don’t believe your mother had any children that lived.

Ignore him. Does Ruffles actually exist? And if so, can we see him?
Virginia in Roanoke

– He does exist and yes, I in fact have a picture of him right here.

Best. Pet. Ever.

Best. Pet. Ever.

So FUCK YOU, Ian! How do THOSE nuts taste?

Has Ruffles ever…eaten anyone?
Allen in Memphis

– Yes. Once. He tried to eat a homeless man back in ’54, or so I’m told. Unfortunately, his sensitive little tummy couldn’t handle it and he ralphed the guy back up. He goes by the name Michael Moore now, whoever the fuck that is.

You seem to be getting less awesome as time goes by. Is this just a low spot or is Dr. McKickass losing his touch?
Sophie in Montreal

– What are you talking about? I am no less awesome than I have been. In fact, I’m even MORE awesome now because I’m an independent man who doesn’t need a woman to get by in life. I can walk around the house naked, jack off in the living room, watch sports and drink beer any time I want. I don’t have to kowtow to some needy bitch who wants me to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond or Black and White or…Sears, I don’t fucking know. I can ride my fucking DINOSAUR around town, for God’s sake! Why in the hell would that make me anything less than the most awesome person on the planet?

So what you’re saying is that you’re in a dry spell.
Ron in North Carolina

– Absolutely not. I am waist-deep in any kind of ass you can think of. Latina. African-American. Asian. Indian. Middle Eastern. Jewish. Caucasian. Inuit. Blonde. Brunette. Redhead. Pink hair. Blue hair. Green hair. No hair. Doctor. Cop. Nurse. Lawyer. Firefighter. French maid. Latin maid. Basketball star. Softball star. Volleyball star. Basketball COACH. Stripper. Hooker. Call girl. Escort. Barista. Construction worker. Nuclear Regulatory Commission Inspector. Circus performer. You name it, I’ve done it.

…circus perfomer?
Liza in Milan

– Of course. Some of the most rockin’est tail comes from the circus. Once you’ve been inside a contortionist flexing every muscle in her body, well…plain vanilla sex is just hard to swallow.

And are YOU hard to swallow?
Mindy at UCONN

– You’re now my favorite mailbag person! (And for the record, not as long as you relax your throat).

So what adventures are on the horizon for Dr. McKickass?
Zach in Calgary

– I don’t know! That’s the fun of being me. I go where the wind takes me. I could be snowboarding down the Alps wearing a live cheetah or I could be filling up my car with unleaded gas! I could be battling Wizard Lizards with ancient weaponry or I could be cooking a nice dinner for four! I could be riding rhinos in Russia tomorrow or I could just be sitting back and watching TV!

There are no rhinos in Russia.
Matthew in Salt Lake City

– Just like Raptorsaurus Rex doesn’t exist? Or how I totally didn’t bang your sister in April?

That was uncalled for, Doctor.
Reese in Tampa

– He started it. Besides, I may not have banged his sister. That WAS a while ago. Who really remembers that sort of thing?

You don’t actually remember?
Taylor in Michigan

– Too much awesome happens in my life every day to just remember who I did and didn’t fuck, Taylor. For all I know, I could have fucked YOU.

I’m married, you jackass!
Taylor in Michigan

– In the grand scheme of things, that falls somewhere between meaning “jack” and “shit”. The Awesome doesn’t care about the sanctity of wedding vows. It wants what it wants.

Wait…did you just refer to your penis as “The Awesome”?
Austin in Austin

– Maybe. Why? Do you have a better name for it? I think not

And with that, we’ll end the chat talking about my penis. Thanks for chatting, everyone. Until next time, stay awesome. If not, well…maybe your mom will. Peace, love and bitches!

  1. Julio says:

    GREAT Photoshopping…I mean MS Painting! Especially that intricate cutting-pasting of, uhm…that stick figure that you say is a doctor! And you are SO clever, especially the part where you use the word “ass” and “fuck,” followed by arbitrary references to sex, Michael More, and black hobos. Where DO you get the inspiration, other than other 12 year olds?

    • kaostheory says:

      Let me get this straight, Jules. You came here, giving me more traffic, and commented, giving me more traffic, trying to be witty and sarcastic and cute…all over some perceived slight on a message board?

      Bravo. Bravo.

      You are quite aware of how sad this makes you look, right? But keep on truckin’, buddy.

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