Archive for September, 2009

Hiatus

Posted: September 29, 2009 by kaostheory in Uncategorized

Alright, I’ll just keep this short and sweet. Life fucking sucks right now. I won’t get into why, but suffice to say, it does and being funny is about the last thing on my mind at present. I can’t come up with anything funny idea-wise and if I do, I can’t follow through. Therefore, Dan Eats Cat Food is going to go on a bit of a hiatus until I get shit figured out. Hopefully this isn’t permanent. Hopefully stuff starts falling in an awesome way and I can get back to stuff that I actually enjoy. But until then, I can’t in all good conscience keep stringing the three or four of you who read this along any longer. Hopefully Raybestos or Pred3000 can get something up, but I can’t promise a thing.

So, adieu for now.

KT

The Doctor Is In #3

Posted: September 8, 2009 by kaostheory in Mailbag
Tags:

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

Doctor Awesome McKickass is back and ready to banish any thoughts of anything not awesome from your minds. And for the record, he thinks that tits ARE awesome, but dough sex is most definitely not awesome. The doctor…is now in.

Did you read that entry about the sex with Thai people and the Russians and the bread sex?
Bill in LA

– First, answer me this. Are you legally retarded? Do you have problems forming cogent sentences? Or are you just playing at being stupid? Bad show either way. And yes, I did. Well, my lawyers did and have advised me to stay silent on the matter. Legal purposes and all that. I will say, though, that once the hammer comes down, it’s coming down hard on some of the staffers here. By which I mean Raybestos, the sick fuck.

I don’t believe you have a dinosaur.
Ian in Madison

– And I don’t believe your mother had any children that lived.

Ignore him. Does Ruffles actually exist? And if so, can we see him?
Virginia in Roanoke

– He does exist and yes, I in fact have a picture of him right here.

Best. Pet. Ever.

Best. Pet. Ever.

So FUCK YOU, Ian! How do THOSE nuts taste?

Has Ruffles ever…eaten anyone?
Allen in Memphis

– Yes. Once. He tried to eat a homeless man back in ’54, or so I’m told. Unfortunately, his sensitive little tummy couldn’t handle it and he ralphed the guy back up. He goes by the name Michael Moore now, whoever the fuck that is.

You seem to be getting less awesome as time goes by. Is this just a low spot or is Dr. McKickass losing his touch?
Sophie in Montreal

– What are you talking about? I am no less awesome than I have been. In fact, I’m even MORE awesome now because I’m an independent man who doesn’t need a woman to get by in life. I can walk around the house naked, jack off in the living room, watch sports and drink beer any time I want. I don’t have to kowtow to some needy bitch who wants me to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond or Black and White or…Sears, I don’t fucking know. I can ride my fucking DINOSAUR around town, for God’s sake! Why in the hell would that make me anything less than the most awesome person on the planet?

So what you’re saying is that you’re in a dry spell.
Ron in North Carolina

– Absolutely not. I am waist-deep in any kind of ass you can think of. Latina. African-American. Asian. Indian. Middle Eastern. Jewish. Caucasian. Inuit. Blonde. Brunette. Redhead. Pink hair. Blue hair. Green hair. No hair. Doctor. Cop. Nurse. Lawyer. Firefighter. French maid. Latin maid. Basketball star. Softball star. Volleyball star. Basketball COACH. Stripper. Hooker. Call girl. Escort. Barista. Construction worker. Nuclear Regulatory Commission Inspector. Circus performer. You name it, I’ve done it.

…circus perfomer?
Liza in Milan

– Of course. Some of the most rockin’est tail comes from the circus. Once you’ve been inside a contortionist flexing every muscle in her body, well…plain vanilla sex is just hard to swallow.

And are YOU hard to swallow?
Mindy at UCONN

– You’re now my favorite mailbag person! (And for the record, not as long as you relax your throat).

So what adventures are on the horizon for Dr. McKickass?
Zach in Calgary

– I don’t know! That’s the fun of being me. I go where the wind takes me. I could be snowboarding down the Alps wearing a live cheetah or I could be filling up my car with unleaded gas! I could be battling Wizard Lizards with ancient weaponry or I could be cooking a nice dinner for four! I could be riding rhinos in Russia tomorrow or I could just be sitting back and watching TV!

There are no rhinos in Russia.
Matthew in Salt Lake City

– Just like Raptorsaurus Rex doesn’t exist? Or how I totally didn’t bang your sister in April?

That was uncalled for, Doctor.
Reese in Tampa

– He started it. Besides, I may not have banged his sister. That WAS a while ago. Who really remembers that sort of thing?

You don’t actually remember?
Taylor in Michigan

– Too much awesome happens in my life every day to just remember who I did and didn’t fuck, Taylor. For all I know, I could have fucked YOU.

I’m married, you jackass!
Taylor in Michigan

– In the grand scheme of things, that falls somewhere between meaning “jack” and “shit”. The Awesome doesn’t care about the sanctity of wedding vows. It wants what it wants.

Wait…did you just refer to your penis as “The Awesome”?
Austin in Austin

– Maybe. Why? Do you have a better name for it? I think not

And with that, we’ll end the chat talking about my penis. Thanks for chatting, everyone. Until next time, stay awesome. If not, well…maybe your mom will. Peace, love and bitches!

Top Ten Reasons Tits Are The Tits

Posted: September 5, 2009 by kaostheory in Informative, Top Ten
Tags: , , , ,

I didn’t think it possible but last entry proved that, in fact, I CAN reach a point where I am uncomfortable showing some humor to the public at large. And all it took was doughy bread sex and murder. Betcha wanna read that entry now huh?

Anyways, since I clearly have not pissed off enough people with this site, what with the rampant rape jokes and alcohol abuse, let’s get to a Top Ten entry, shall we? As the title clearly states, today I’ll be commenting on the Top Ten Reasons Tits Are The Tits (read: awesome sauce with bacon). Yes, it’s sexist. Yes, fuck off. Let the countdown begin!

10. Wet T-shirt contests: Imagine, if you will, that you (or a male surrogate of you if you are a woman…a straight woman with no bisexual curiosity and…you know what, forget it) are at a bar in Tijuana or the Bahamas or…I don’t know, Switzerland I guess…and all the women there are sitting quietly, sipping their Coronas or wine, chatting about the day’s events. You know what we call that? FUCKING BORING. Now, if instead of a quiet chat, you throw in a fire hose and drunk coeds with loose morals and tight white t-shirts practically designed to showcase nipples…well, you have a party. QED.

9. Engrossing video game characters: Lara Croft. Samus. Jill Valentine. The chick from Portal. What do all these characters have in common? Yes, they may have addictive and lasting games that may stand the test of time. But why is that? I’ll give you a hint. It’s because of the guns they’re carrying…and I don’t mean the pistols they have strapped to their hips.

I’m talking about their breasts, if you didn’t figure that out. They all have wonderful digital breasts.

8. Give insecure women the confidence they need: Some women fall into that sad area of personality known as “fragile”. They don’t have any confidence in themselves or their looks. This is a shame because most are beautiful to someone in some way (I’m most assuredly not saying that for myself, of course – but someone has to love them). However, there is a trick that is quickly gaining momentum in society which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Feel insecure? Breast implants! Feel alone? Breast implants! Guess what? Now they feel better and, due to breast size, are gaining male attention they could only dream of before. Everyone wins!

7. We can rub our faces in them.: What? We can. Ask any straight male and he’ll tell you that tits in the face would be an awesome way to die. The next best thing to dying of a heart attack while being inside a hot, young woman is to die with their tits smothering you, whether it be at a strip club, a regular club, or simply just out of blind, stinking luck out somewhere where booze is around.

6. Proof positive of puberty as a scientific phenomenon: This one is fairly simple. Before puberty = no tits. During/after puberty = wonderful tits. Now, this is obviously not to say that all tits are the same size during and/or after puberty, but they ARE are wonderful just on the basis of them actually being.

5. PORN.: In this scenario, tits are not only a necessity, they are a founding ethic. Without bare tits, there would be no Playboy. There would be no Marilyn Monroe. There would be no Deep Throat or Debbie Does Dallas. No teenagers sneaking around, furtively trying to sneak a peek at wrapped magazines in gas stations. No late night masturbation marathons made that much more exciting through the fear of parents catching you, creating an entire generation of exhibitionist perverts. Jenna Jameson would be a gas station attendant. Ron Jeremy would be in jail. Hugh Hefner would be dead. You see? Tits have not only created an industry, they have created decades of careers, money and desperate, horny, barely legal teenagers with an insatiable thirst for cock.

4. We have something to stare at when we’re talking to women.: Hey, I don’t make the rules. I just say them.

3. Aid in bachelor parties: This one is a critical one. Some men like their bachelor parties to be lowkey. They’ll go out for the weekend to a cabin or something with their closest friends, have a few beers and chat about the good times they had in college or what have you. These men are fucking pussies. A real bachelor party almost ALWAYS starts in Vegas and involves mass gambling, an unhealthy amount of alcohol consumption and fake breasts as far as the eye can see. If you take away even one of them, the party collapses into something still awesome, but not nearly as awesome. Hence, the need for tits in helping create rockin’-ass bachelor parties. A public service!

2. They create a very reason for men to live: What do boys want when they’re young? Breasts to hold on to. What do they want when they hit puberty? Breasts to look at sneakily. What do they want in high school? Breasts to feel and play with. What do they want in college and early to mid-twenties? Breasts hanging in their face or potentially wrapped around their cock. These continue all the way to the grave, and maybe even after, although I can’t speak for the existence of zombie leches. Not liches, D&D fans. Leches.

And the last, and certainly most important reason that tits are the tits is….drum roll please…

1. They provide nourishment for our young, ensuring the continuous survival of the human race.: Did you expect anything different?

Thank you for reading! In this article, I no doubt broke the shit out of many search engines through the use of the word “tits”. There’s no possible way I could cram any more in this article.

Tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits tits.

Just checking.