The Doctor is In #2

Posted: August 19, 2009 by kaostheory in Mailbag
He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

Doctor Awesome McKickass is back and ready to whip up another tall, frothy glass of Fuck Your Curiosity In Its Earhole. Um. I mean, The Doctor Is In, where I answer all those questions that I deem awesome enough to be worthy of an answer. As always, satisfaction may vary. The doctor…is now in.

You have been conspicuously absent as of late. Where were you?
Alex in San Francisco

– Yes.

No, I mean, seriously, where did you go?
Alex in San Francisco

– Fine. Shut your cryhole. I’ll try to tell you. I’ve been investigating the recent spate of celebrity deaths, trying to figure out why they all kicked it in such rapid order.

And? How did they?
Rita in Omaha

– Believe it or not, the majority have died from having too much awesome in their system. Really. Too much awesome. Well, and Propofol of course.

What about David Carradine? That doesn’t sound too “awesome” to me.
Mike in Philadelphia

– Are you kidding? It’s very awesome. I mean, the man defied all movemental logic. He was both coming and going at once.

Does Dr. McKickass have a Pet McKickass?
Jenny in Djibouti

– Indeed I do, Jenny. Some time ago, I was given one night to have carte blanche with many scientifically unstable instruments in a lab in Northern Kentucky. I think they were expecting me to cure AIDS. However, in the midst of my struggle with the Roomba (a sidenote: the little shits will eat tuna fish sandwiches with no remorse), I accidentally triggered an explosion in one of the machines. After the smoke cleared and I had lodged a fire axe in the sumbitch Roomba’s circuitry, what did I find standing across the room from me but the rarest breed of dinosaur that ever existed: a Raptorsaurus Rex (also known as the Awesomesaurus). You see, Jenny, the Raptorsaurus came about in the mid 1800s when Alexander Graham Bell bred a tea kettle poodle with a common pond frog. The resultant vengeance of God tore a hole in the space/time continuum and, since all time had become ruptured, the past was changed and a scenario in which a velociraptor had sex with a Tyrannosaurus Rex occurred, leaving the bones of its offspring hidden under Lake Superior. I won’t bore you with any more details. In any case, the creature is now mine.

You are absolutely full of shit. Literally none of that could have happened.
Brett in Minnesota

– Are you a doctor? If you are, you’re ignoring your Hippocratic Oath. If you’re not, shut your fucking cockholster.

What’s your abomination’s name then?
Chante in Sydney

– Ruffles. Short for Rufalin Petticoats McKickass Esq. I think you’ll agree that’s a suitable asswhipping name.

Now, you have gotten down on us before about monogamy. Does that mean there’s no Mrs. Dr. McKickass?
Carmen in Detroit

– You wanna be the first, baby?

Dude, could you just answer her question?
Bradley in Las Vegas

– Fine. No, there’s no Mrs. Dr. McKickass. Yes, there used to be. Things happened. There isn’t anymore. Happy?

What, like…you got divorced?
Clay in Seattle

– No. Sometimes my practice can get a little too awesome and people around me get hurt. My memoirs will tell all.

Memoirs? You’re coming out with memoirs? When/what’s it called?
Jamie in SC

– Well, since “Memoirs of a Geisha” was already taken, I decided to settle on “I Can Snap Your Neck With My Dick. Count On It”. It comes out April ’10 and it’s published by Random House. It’ll be big.

You…you actually got that title approved?
Barry in Oklahoma

– You got it, chief. It was more of a concession on their part. The original idea was “I Cum Awesome and Shit Rockin’. Oh, and I Gave Your Mom a UTI When We Fucked Last Tuesday”. They said it was too long a title.

I’m stunned. I honestly don’t understand how you aren’t in prison yet. Do you feel any remorse for yourself?
Jackie in San Diego

– If by “remorse”, you mean “total assurance that I have kicked and will continue to kick more ass than anyone ever has done ever”, then yes. Yes, I do.

How did you come up with your name of Dr. Awesome McKickass?
Chad in Miami

– How did I…my parents gave me the name when I was born! I come from a proud line of McKickasses ever since we left Scotland by surfing on our giant mantackles. And I earned this doctorate. I earned it. Don’t you dare tell me I didn’t. I will cut you. I will find you in Miami and cut your pretty face. I have ways of finding you. Awesome ways.

Ahem. Thanks for chatting, everyone. Until next time, stay awesome. If not, well…maybe you should die. In a fire of awesomeness. Dr. McK out!

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