Archive for August, 2009

Worst Porn Idea Ever

Posted: August 31, 2009 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , ,

Good gravy. Those YouTube assholes sure can hold a grudge, huh? I only JUST now was able to escape from their prison complex deep in the Himalayas. In retrospect, I should have realized that it’d be incredibly easy to escape since most of them are only just barely functionally retarded but…I mean, come on. They had LOLcats as guards. That’s not fucking fair. I mean, KITTIES. Unfair, I tell you. I sure am glad that Dr. McKickass swooped in to save the site from traffic death.

Anyways, on my way back home from the Bumfuck Nowhere of Asia as I stumbled through Thailand disoriented, dysenteric and drunk off of cobra wine, I walked into a discount porno store. Yes, a THAI discount porno store. I tell you, if I was able to reasonably determine the center point at which Hell would erupt from the bowels of the world bringing fire, torment and violent sodomy to the peoples of the earth…well this would be one of the places. The other would be DC. But I digress.

As I traipsed across the barren wasteland of people fucking without passion and animals showing sexual love to other animals and degraded Thai kindergarteners, I stumbled upon one tape (VHS of course – like these cocksuckers would do DVD) that both horrified me to the very depths of that entanglement of cotton candy I call a soul and intrigued me to the point where I was conflicted between actually making it home or buying the fucking thing. Well, through some tough haggling (as well as some familial threats), I was able to acquire said tape.

I made the wrong choice.

You see, I fully believed that in a world where such atrocities as Columbine, 9/11 and Ted Kennedy living forty years longer than he should have occur that simple pornography would not be the catalyst that would drive me to such alcohol consumption as to obliterate the very fabric of the universe in my mind. Yet, I stand before you now a broken, beaten, utterly defeated man. I have stared into The Abyss and seen not myself, but the contents of this video swirling around the blank nothingness. The video has reduced me to a crumpled pile of tears and vomit. What I place before you now is a timeline of the video. A timeline giving you the second-hand version of the view, clouded by blood-streaked eyes. What I show you now I have unearthed from the very depths of the worst of society. Be warned, gentle reader. That which is read cannot be unread. And we begin.

Title: (translated from Thai) Very Make Surprise In Oven Womb 3: The Baker

Written By: I honestly couldn’t tell you. The name appeared vaguely Russian, but who can tell these days?

00:02 : The tape begins innocuously enough. After what appears to be the credits roll, the screen fades in from black to reveal what appears to be the inside of a kitchen at a bakery. Interesting. Let’s see where this goes.

00:03 : A fairly pretty Asian girl has just entered the frame, wearing a full body apron and a chef’s hat. Cute. She’s taken out some ingredients and is mixing them together. This may not be what I thought it was.

00:06: Oh, I was wrong. The other chef has just entered the room. I have never seen such a massive Russian in my life. He’s definitely Russian. Thank goodness for subtitles. He has just come up behind her and is helping her mix things together. It’s almost a tender moment.

00:08: Annnnnd the tender moment is over. He’s power-fucking her on the counter. Awesome. It’s reasonably well shot at least. Who are the actors in this again? I didn’t check…

00:09: MR. BISQUICK? They called the guy Mr. BISQUICK? Oh man! Comedic value alone has made this tape awesome. Totally worth the money.

00:12: Well…it looks like she’s enjoying it. Although this guy’s getting really rough with her. I’m sure it was planned this way.

00:17: Holy shit! He just smashed her face into the flour. She looks like a mime. I’m getting a weird feeling. It’s probably nothing.

00:20: Okay, what the FUCK, Thailand? I don’t like what’s being threatened with that dough.

00:22: …

00:23: I feel as if I am privy to something very, very illegal. That…no…don’t…DON’T…

00:24: THERE IS BREAD DOUGH IN HER SPATCH! The fucking Russian shoved BREAD DOUGH in her VAGINA! WHAT?

00:28: Okay…okay…the vomiting’s stopped. I haven’t missed much. He’s just diddling around in there. The subtitles say he’s “kneading” the dough. She looks like she’s in some pain.

00:32: There is no way she’s not going to get a yeast infection. And I’m not even being clever about that. She’s going to be in trouble.

00:33: Oh no. No no no. No no no no no. It’s bad enough that it’s in there but…

00:34: He’s fucking it. The Russian is fucking the dough. In her cootch. I…I feel ill. How long is this thing?

00:35: NINETY MINUTES? They made this shit last an hour and a HALF? I don’t even want to know how.

00:37: He just made some comment about her taking his batter in her hot, greased skillet. In any other context, that would be funny.

00:45: I think I’m numb to this. I can’t feel anything. I’m just stunned by this. I may have peed a little.

00:50: Oh come on. Please don’t…great. “Sesame sodomy”. Horrid. She looks swollen.

00:58: Well, thank goodness she’s stopped crying at least. Just some quiet sobs now. There is flour everywhere. Mixed with the sweat of the actors (ARE they actors? I don’t know anymore) it appears as if Godzilla came in the window. And no, I don’t mean entered.

01:06: I think she’s passed out. I hope she’s passed out to relieve her from this horror. Even though she stopped crying, I’M still trucking right on ahead with that. And puking. A LOT of puking. It’s just acid at this point. At least it’s almost over.

01:10: …why…why do they have that knife? Oh no. Please.

01:11: *sob of unimaginable horror*

01:15: That’s it. I tap. I’m out. I don’t know if it’s real or not. Frankly, I don’t want to know. Maybe in those last fifteen minutes they smiled to the camera and kissed and hugged and gave an emotional speech about how great it was to work with the crew. I don’t care. What I have seen…what these people have done to my brain…it cannot be forgiven or forgotten. I’m going to drink until I can’t understand language anymore.

Pornography…is a dangerous field to traverse, ladies and gentlemen. Sometimes you get lucky and watch a beautiful blond co-ed, in the midst of sky-diving, go down on a well-hung Hispanic man with Sousa marches playing in the background. Other times…you get this. This which should not – nor should ever – exist.

Be forewarned, O ye consumers of sex on tape. I have seen Hell and all its purveyances…and it is Thai snuff. Go back to your Spankwire, your Literotica and your Pornhub. Stay away from the dark corners of the world, lest ye be damned to walk the world as a tortured, haunted soul such as I.





Sheeeeeeit. Sorry about that, folks. We here at Dan Eats Cat Food encourage all forms of comedy, for someone out there will find anything funny. However, we were not expecting this article to go so damn dark. The management apologizes for any lack of laughs and will refund your time with a new Dr. McKickass mailbag soon. Thank you for your patience.

The Doctor is In #2

Posted: August 19, 2009 by kaostheory in Mailbag

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

Doctor Awesome McKickass is back and ready to whip up another tall, frothy glass of Fuck Your Curiosity In Its Earhole. Um. I mean, The Doctor Is In, where I answer all those questions that I deem awesome enough to be worthy of an answer. As always, satisfaction may vary. The doctor…is now in.

You have been conspicuously absent as of late. Where were you?
Alex in San Francisco

– Yes.

No, I mean, seriously, where did you go?
Alex in San Francisco

– Fine. Shut your cryhole. I’ll try to tell you. I’ve been investigating the recent spate of celebrity deaths, trying to figure out why they all kicked it in such rapid order.

And? How did they?
Rita in Omaha

– Believe it or not, the majority have died from having too much awesome in their system. Really. Too much awesome. Well, and Propofol of course.

What about David Carradine? That doesn’t sound too “awesome” to me.
Mike in Philadelphia

– Are you kidding? It’s very awesome. I mean, the man defied all movemental logic. He was both coming and going at once.

Does Dr. McKickass have a Pet McKickass?
Jenny in Djibouti

– Indeed I do, Jenny. Some time ago, I was given one night to have carte blanche with many scientifically unstable instruments in a lab in Northern Kentucky. I think they were expecting me to cure AIDS. However, in the midst of my struggle with the Roomba (a sidenote: the little shits will eat tuna fish sandwiches with no remorse), I accidentally triggered an explosion in one of the machines. After the smoke cleared and I had lodged a fire axe in the sumbitch Roomba’s circuitry, what did I find standing across the room from me but the rarest breed of dinosaur that ever existed: a Raptorsaurus Rex (also known as the Awesomesaurus). You see, Jenny, the Raptorsaurus came about in the mid 1800s when Alexander Graham Bell bred a tea kettle poodle with a common pond frog. The resultant vengeance of God tore a hole in the space/time continuum and, since all time had become ruptured, the past was changed and a scenario in which a velociraptor had sex with a Tyrannosaurus Rex occurred, leaving the bones of its offspring hidden under Lake Superior. I won’t bore you with any more details. In any case, the creature is now mine.

You are absolutely full of shit. Literally none of that could have happened.
Brett in Minnesota

– Are you a doctor? If you are, you’re ignoring your Hippocratic Oath. If you’re not, shut your fucking cockholster.

What’s your abomination’s name then?
Chante in Sydney

– Ruffles. Short for Rufalin Petticoats McKickass Esq. I think you’ll agree that’s a suitable asswhipping name.

Now, you have gotten down on us before about monogamy. Does that mean there’s no Mrs. Dr. McKickass?
Carmen in Detroit

– You wanna be the first, baby?

Dude, could you just answer her question?
Bradley in Las Vegas

– Fine. No, there’s no Mrs. Dr. McKickass. Yes, there used to be. Things happened. There isn’t anymore. Happy?

What, like…you got divorced?
Clay in Seattle

– No. Sometimes my practice can get a little too awesome and people around me get hurt. My memoirs will tell all.

Memoirs? You’re coming out with memoirs? When/what’s it called?
Jamie in SC

– Well, since “Memoirs of a Geisha” was already taken, I decided to settle on “I Can Snap Your Neck With My Dick. Count On It”. It comes out April ’10 and it’s published by Random House. It’ll be big.

You…you actually got that title approved?
Barry in Oklahoma

– You got it, chief. It was more of a concession on their part. The original idea was “I Cum Awesome and Shit Rockin’. Oh, and I Gave Your Mom a UTI When We Fucked Last Tuesday”. They said it was too long a title.

I’m stunned. I honestly don’t understand how you aren’t in prison yet. Do you feel any remorse for yourself?
Jackie in San Diego

– If by “remorse”, you mean “total assurance that I have kicked and will continue to kick more ass than anyone ever has done ever”, then yes. Yes, I do.

How did you come up with your name of Dr. Awesome McKickass?
Chad in Miami

– How did I…my parents gave me the name when I was born! I come from a proud line of McKickasses ever since we left Scotland by surfing on our giant mantackles. And I earned this doctorate. I earned it. Don’t you dare tell me I didn’t. I will cut you. I will find you in Miami and cut your pretty face. I have ways of finding you. Awesome ways.

Ahem. Thanks for chatting, everyone. Until next time, stay awesome. If not, well…maybe you should die. In a fire of awesomeness. Dr. McK out!