The Exegesis of YouTube Comments

Posted: July 15, 2009 by kaostheory in Informative, Rants
Tags: , , , , , ,

In every culture in the world throughout history, there have been places to which the squealing, miserable masses have been relegated. For the Greeks, they would throw weak babies off cliffs. For the Romans, they would throw slaves into a lion’s den for fun. For native Africans, they would bash rival tribes with clubs and impale them on stakes. Yet, it was not enough. With each culture has come the inevitable giggling retard who masturbates in public and smears its own feces all over itself in an attempt to camoflauge itself. These “village idiots”, as it were, would be taunted and thrown into the wilderness to be savaged by predators and the elements. However, in this day and age, do we so rightfully do the same for ours?

FUCKING NO!

Instead of mercy-killing our retards, we give them a FORUM. We allow them unlimited access to that damnable creature known as The Internet where they are free to inhabit corners of the web, festering and breeding like roaches with fetal alcohol syndrome. Most of the time, we are able to keep them safely at bay in dank holes such as 4chan and various philia websites, but they have managed to elude Net defense mechanisms to infest one of the granddaddy sites of them all: YouTube. There, they sit and wait, content to gorge themselves on Internet memes and poor unfortunate genitalia being hammered with various objects and set on fire, until the day where something of actual merit appears. Then, as if sharks drawn to a bleeding seal or frat boys to lonely drunk cougars, they begin to swarm, spewing forth incomprehensible gibberish until the video dies with a shriek of agony nigh unto that which may well end the world. In the interest of academia, I shall examine a hypothetical video and the comments that appear underneath. Be warned. This is not for the faint of heart. Lesser hearts than yours have been shattered when staring into that abyss.

The video itself is immaterial. It could be something as innocuous as a man waving at the camera or as horrendous as a car crash with multiple fatalities. It matters not, for each video with a reasonable level of popularity will fall prey to the same basic comments by the same basic people.

The first commenters that will generally occur are the Genuinely Appreciative. These commenters are most often pleasant and thoughtful, as they attempt to show a sincere interest in the video and may offer constructive criticism. These, as unicorns in the Serengeti, are few and far between.

The next kind are the Shitstirrers. These pricks don’t care what the video is. They just hate it. It could be promoting peace worldwide and they would be against it. Their sole purpose is to run counter to anything anyone else thinks, a sort of anti-matter, if you will. They may try to be witty, but more often come off as mean and pissy.

Next, we have the Politicos. These are always fun. A song about how love is lovely will still turn into a debate for these jackasses. They are always, always extreme. There is no middle ground. They are either “George Warmonger Bush created 9/11 through his evil ties to Al-Qaeda and Satan and consumes the souls of the living through the Patriot Act” or “Barack HUSSEIN Obama shits evil from his black Muslim ass all over Israel and the American public. Also, he fucks bald eagles with gay rights and Communist policies”. While amusing at first, these soon become tiresome, as their rhetoric grows tired and limp, like a verbal marathon sex session with no physical release.

Coming off the Politicos are the inevitable Racist Scumbags. One would not expect “Lazy Town” or “The Wiggles” to elict rampant bigotry, yet, here we are. A video comment section may be cruising along when all of a sudden, wham! A casual reference to slaves or “nigras” will spawn a flame war the likes of which is seen only often in such sections. The “minority” hate will be slapped down by the majority of when all of a sudden, the African-American or Asian or Latino counterpart will enter the thread and begin a verbal jousting match with the eager asshole. The entire section will become involved in the battle as more and more combatants enter the fray. Soon, the video is lost, consumed by dickheads with too much time.

Very similar to the Racist Scumbags are the Haha, I’m A Joking Pederast But Not Really people. They’ll pop in as the dust begins to settle and make a “joking” comment about wanting to put his (it is ALWAYS his, ALWAYS fucking his) dick into Emma Watson’s or Dakota Fanning’s or Miley Cyrus’s poopshoot. This, of course, will offend just about everyone who will clamor for his head on a stake. His only line of defense is that he wasn’t serious and that people who are so bothered by it just should learn to take a joke once and a while and that he was definitely kidding and doesn’t really want to anally penetrate a minor but of course he actually does…the sick son of a bitch.

We could spend all day mentioning the other various offshoots of these. The Feminazis, The HomoLovers and Haters, The Americans and American’ts. The list goes on. But they are all the exact same. We must move on.

We come now to one of the spectacular failings of YouTube, that being the age limit. The Terms of Service technically recommend that nobody under the age of 13 use the site, but there is NO way to enforce this. Even if they COULD, the minimum age of 13 is ridiculous. And why. *ahem* BECAUSE THIRTEEN YEAR OLDS ARE THE MOST FUCKING BRAINDEAD BASTARDS ON THE PLANET. That is why. We now come to the Kiddies. Good. Gravy. While hateful rhetoric and general asshattery are bad, the minute a Kiddie enters a comment section, you will know. Text speak will be thrown around with such wanton disregard that Webster himself will be shitting himself in fury in his grave. An example – a real-life comment – before we leave this unholy ground. Be warned. Spontaneous combustion of corneae is common. From, and I am not kidding, JonasBrotherLuver53…and I quote…”ossum vid! btw wta song is dat? n i HATE JB AND MY USERNAME!”

…*blank, unseeing stare*.

The next on the list of the denizons of Hell’s domain are a two-fold problem. They are the Promoters. They can come in either human or spambot form, yet they approach the video comment section with the same lurking menace. Without regards to the appropriateness of their comments, they strike, offering cursory comments as they throw in the link to their own insidious purpose. It may be a porn site, a “win money now!” site or even just their own crappy-ass video that they are trying to artificially inflate the view counter for. Most often, they say something to the effect of “Wow, that video is funny! You can find other funny things at matylknakghbilnag.com!” Unfortunately, such a comment does not work quite so well for a Holocaust remembrance video.

The final jabbering, walking brain damage victims are perhaps the most dangerous: the Griefers. “Griefer”, a term used in MMORPGs (read: YouTube commenter factories), describes those players whose sole purpose is to ruin the game for other players. They are assholes through and through. These also exist on these videos, taking the Shitstirrers’ job and making it that much more vile, intentionally angering other commenters for “the lulz”, an archaic retard term for laughs. They will go to very great lengths to destroy any good and fun in the world. They are basically little Antichrists. Beware at all costs.

There you have it. I do not blame you if you feel like taking a shower after reading this. Any person possessing a brain stem would feel the same. Cleanse yourself and thank your Maker that you are not one of those unfortunate multitude damned to idiocy.

And if you are and you’re reading this, get the fuck out.

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