Rupert the Drunk Returns from his Hiatus

Posted: July 14, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

Rupert the Drunk Returns from His Hiatus

Hey everyone.  I know, I know, I’ve been out of the loop for a while.  There is a reason for that: I was kidnapped by pirates.  No, not those Somalian posers.  I’m talking real, eye patch wearing, wooden leg having, yo-ho-hoing pirates.  They lured me on board their ship with rum and..well, I’m not really sure what happened.  All I know is I woke up in Barbados with no money and I wasn’t able to walk right for a month. So, I missed a lot back home and hopefully I can catch up. Well, the big thing in the news is Michael Jackson’s death.  Luckily, my roommate Tivoed the memorial service for me.  So, I guess I should pull out some of that rum the pirates gave me and watch it.

0:01-OK, so Diana Ross isn’t going to make it?   Isn’t she getting his kids?  Or is that Geraldo Rivera?  Man, this is good rum.

0:20-Ok, so they finally got the casket out.  Man, that is a shiny coffin.  That guy must have been loaded.

0:25-OK, that’s…Jermaine…Tito…Mar…Groucho..Harpo…which one’s Harpo? And they all have that glove on. Whee!

Editor’s Note-At this point, the small bottle containing the rum ran out.  Rupert went to his refrigerator and grabbed another.  In fact, he appears to have enough rum to last him for the rest of the summer.

0:45-Who’s this pregnant chick singing the Free Willy theme song?  Man, I am surprised she agreed to do this.

1:00-OK, Kobe Bryant.  Did you know Michael?  Did you?  Did you REALLY know Michael?

1:05-Ah, Magic Johnson.  He is a little to obsessed with KFC.  I think I saw the KFC logo on the coffin.  Magic Johnson’s cuff link says KFC!  I want some KFC.  Someone get me some KFC!
1:23-Whoo.  Jermaine’s singing! Something…smile…wonder what the song’s called?  Smile….there is is again

1:31-The glove is a lie!

editor’s note: At this point, Rupert went rummaging through his closest searching for the sequined glove he was now convinced was out to kill him.  Meanwhile, Al Sharpton addressed Jackson’s children stating that “what your dad experienced was strange.”  I think we can all agree on that.

1:53-Note: Rupert had discovered a sock that he was desperately trying to strangle.  And John Mayer was playing “Human Nature.”

2:00-So, when does Prince perform?  I like Prince.

2:17-We are the Squirrel…We are the child..ren..we are the ones whomadealighterstay, so let’s start…oh God, there’s the KFC logo again!

2:30-Blarrrgh!

Editor’s note-At this point, Rupert passed out and missed the touching tribute Paris gave to her dad.  He will see it later on Youtube and wonder what he was doing when that was on.

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