Writer’s Block: A Timeline

Posted: July 12, 2009 by kaostheory in Informative
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Everyone, holy fucking fuckballs am I SORRY about not updating for nigh on two months. More than, even. I’d like to say that I was lost between worlds as seven Scandanavian hookers brought me to meltdown orgasm again and again until my junk looked like a raisin with its stem attached. So I will. That’s what happened. End of story. Let’s move on.

On an entirely different note, I came up with a novel idea. Why don’t I write about writer’s block? I mean, I PERSONALLY don’t have it. God no. It was those damn Swedes and their smooth, supple skin grinding on my pelvis with greater force than a jeweller cutting down a diamond. But some people DO have it and that is why I am going to give a standard timeline for a typical version of writer’s block. Enjoy but be warned. It could happen to you.

Just as a helpful note, this is how the time signature should be read: 00:00 is the first time you sit down to write, 00:12 is twelve minutes in, 16:16 is sixteen hours and sixteen minutes since you started writing, so on and so forth.

00:00 – Alright. Got my beer, my robe, my music, my computer and my wonderful brain. Let’s do this.

00:03 – Cool, we’re running and gunning on this thing. Awesome. Already half a page down.

00:12 – Whew, my fingers are getting a little tired. And I’m out of beer. Let’s go grab another one and take a quick break.

00:34 – Okay, I’m back with my beer, my mac and cheese and a clean dishrag to wipe my hands on. Back to work.

00:35 – FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck. Stupid fucking mac and cheese. Stupid fucking FORK. Fuck, it’s everywhere. Shit shit shit.

00:41 – And we’re back. Had to make more mac and cheese. What? I’m hungry!

00:42 – GODDAMN FORK! No more mac and cheese today. Oh wow, would you look at that? I’m out of beer. Gotta get more.

00:44 – Let’s get back to work on this.

00:49 – Ehhh. Have to pee. Be right back.

00:50 – I love being able to pee quick. Splashback is a bitch though. Whatever, time to keep going.

01:14 – Hahahaha, okay, gotta stop. I’m laughing too hard at this. I am one funny bitch.

01:27 – Hrm, this isn’t a good stopping point but my brain is starting to hurt a little. And I’m out of beer.

01:29 – Alright, more beer. And a little YouTube.

01:33 – Did that thing just EAT that other thing? Holy crap. I’m a little afraid…okay, one more video then I gotta work.

01:36 – WHAT THE FUCK?! POOP DOESN’T GO THERE!

01:44 – Hrm. Well, I AM feeling a little horny. Let’s crank one out. Not like there’s any other option.

01:55 – Whew, there we go. A lot more relieved. Huh, beer’s gone.

02:00 – Yay beer. Loosens up the ol’ thought processes, getting the juices flowin’.

02:01 – And horny again. Stupid mind.

02:21 – Alright, that’s taken care of. Again. I need to work.

02:22 – Ooh, breaking news on ESPN. I just need to see the trade details.

02:30 – I cannot believe that they…oh, wait. I need to be WORKING. Don’t get distracted, don’t get distracted, don’t get…

02:37 – …okay, love you too, Mom. Yep. Yep. Goodbye. /hangup phone. Okay NOW time to work. Damnit! Beer’s gone.

02:40 – OW! Stupid wall. Nnnnnng. Almost nothing hurts more than stubbing your toe. That is going to be bruised tomorrow. Ow.

02:52 – Alright. Done peeing, bandaged the toe, no more beer left so I grabbed a bottle of wine. Let’s do this again.

03:28 – Is the screen supposed to look this blurry? I don’t think so. What am I saying? I’m drunk! Of course it is!

03:45 – Oh whoa, okay. Okay. Gotta write. Gotta…yeah. Write.

04:55 – Blaughaharhalblbhalablahlihab!

07:00 – Whuzza…wha…huhn…snooooore….

11:03 – Hruh…ugh…oh man…feels like someone rammed a Greyhound down the back of my throat and facefucked me…blugh.

12:38 – Ugh. Okay, the shower helped. What was I doing? Oh yeah. Writing. Let’s see what I got…oh. Oh, that’s not good. Wait, what did I SAY last night? Oh no…

13:11 – Cool, apologies are finished. Let’s try writing again.

14:44 – Damn it, YouTube. No more distractions. No more…okay, maybe one more.

14:56 – That was NOT my fault that that was twelve minutes long. Write time…go.

15:00 – /sob I am such a hack, such a fucking hack…

15:33 – Woo! Burst of inspiration! Go go go!

15:50 – And the burst is gone. Awesome. I got nothing.

16:16 – Okay, why am I doing this? This wasn’t even a good idea in the first place. It’s just rambling on and on and on and on with no real conclusion in sight. Again. Hack. Hack EX a million.

17:00 – Alright. You know what? Fuck this. I’m just going to go jack off again, play some video games and hope something comes up. If not, there’s always tomorrow.

Tomorrow – Lather, rinse, repeat, futility.

So there you have it. A basic day in the life of a frustrated writer. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go swallow Drano and ice my toe. I mean, balls.

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