Archive for July, 2009


In every culture in the world throughout history, there have been places to which the squealing, miserable masses have been relegated. For the Greeks, they would throw weak babies off cliffs. For the Romans, they would throw slaves into a lion’s den for fun. For native Africans, they would bash rival tribes with clubs and impale them on stakes. Yet, it was not enough. With each culture has come the inevitable giggling retard who masturbates in public and smears its own feces all over itself in an attempt to camoflauge itself. These “village idiots”, as it were, would be taunted and thrown into the wilderness to be savaged by predators and the elements. However, in this day and age, do we so rightfully do the same for ours?

FUCKING NO!

Instead of mercy-killing our retards, we give them a FORUM. We allow them unlimited access to that damnable creature known as The Internet where they are free to inhabit corners of the web, festering and breeding like roaches with fetal alcohol syndrome. Most of the time, we are able to keep them safely at bay in dank holes such as 4chan and various philia websites, but they have managed to elude Net defense mechanisms to infest one of the granddaddy sites of them all: YouTube. There, they sit and wait, content to gorge themselves on Internet memes and poor unfortunate genitalia being hammered with various objects and set on fire, until the day where something of actual merit appears. Then, as if sharks drawn to a bleeding seal or frat boys to lonely drunk cougars, they begin to swarm, spewing forth incomprehensible gibberish until the video dies with a shriek of agony nigh unto that which may well end the world. In the interest of academia, I shall examine a hypothetical video and the comments that appear underneath. Be warned. This is not for the faint of heart. Lesser hearts than yours have been shattered when staring into that abyss.

The video itself is immaterial. It could be something as innocuous as a man waving at the camera or as horrendous as a car crash with multiple fatalities. It matters not, for each video with a reasonable level of popularity will fall prey to the same basic comments by the same basic people.

The first commenters that will generally occur are the Genuinely Appreciative. These commenters are most often pleasant and thoughtful, as they attempt to show a sincere interest in the video and may offer constructive criticism. These, as unicorns in the Serengeti, are few and far between.

The next kind are the Shitstirrers. These pricks don’t care what the video is. They just hate it. It could be promoting peace worldwide and they would be against it. Their sole purpose is to run counter to anything anyone else thinks, a sort of anti-matter, if you will. They may try to be witty, but more often come off as mean and pissy.

Next, we have the Politicos. These are always fun. A song about how love is lovely will still turn into a debate for these jackasses. They are always, always extreme. There is no middle ground. They are either “George Warmonger Bush created 9/11 through his evil ties to Al-Qaeda and Satan and consumes the souls of the living through the Patriot Act” or “Barack HUSSEIN Obama shits evil from his black Muslim ass all over Israel and the American public. Also, he fucks bald eagles with gay rights and Communist policies”. While amusing at first, these soon become tiresome, as their rhetoric grows tired and limp, like a verbal marathon sex session with no physical release.

Coming off the Politicos are the inevitable Racist Scumbags. One would not expect “Lazy Town” or “The Wiggles” to elict rampant bigotry, yet, here we are. A video comment section may be cruising along when all of a sudden, wham! A casual reference to slaves or “nigras” will spawn a flame war the likes of which is seen only often in such sections. The “minority” hate will be slapped down by the majority of when all of a sudden, the African-American or Asian or Latino counterpart will enter the thread and begin a verbal jousting match with the eager asshole. The entire section will become involved in the battle as more and more combatants enter the fray. Soon, the video is lost, consumed by dickheads with too much time.

Very similar to the Racist Scumbags are the Haha, I’m A Joking Pederast But Not Really people. They’ll pop in as the dust begins to settle and make a “joking” comment about wanting to put his (it is ALWAYS his, ALWAYS fucking his) dick into Emma Watson’s or Dakota Fanning’s or Miley Cyrus’s poopshoot. This, of course, will offend just about everyone who will clamor for his head on a stake. His only line of defense is that he wasn’t serious and that people who are so bothered by it just should learn to take a joke once and a while and that he was definitely kidding and doesn’t really want to anally penetrate a minor but of course he actually does…the sick son of a bitch.

We could spend all day mentioning the other various offshoots of these. The Feminazis, The HomoLovers and Haters, The Americans and American’ts. The list goes on. But they are all the exact same. We must move on.

We come now to one of the spectacular failings of YouTube, that being the age limit. The Terms of Service technically recommend that nobody under the age of 13 use the site, but there is NO way to enforce this. Even if they COULD, the minimum age of 13 is ridiculous. And why. *ahem* BECAUSE THIRTEEN YEAR OLDS ARE THE MOST FUCKING BRAINDEAD BASTARDS ON THE PLANET. That is why. We now come to the Kiddies. Good. Gravy. While hateful rhetoric and general asshattery are bad, the minute a Kiddie enters a comment section, you will know. Text speak will be thrown around with such wanton disregard that Webster himself will be shitting himself in fury in his grave. An example – a real-life comment – before we leave this unholy ground. Be warned. Spontaneous combustion of corneae is common. From, and I am not kidding, JonasBrotherLuver53…and I quote…”ossum vid! btw wta song is dat? n i HATE JB AND MY USERNAME!”

…*blank, unseeing stare*.

The next on the list of the denizons of Hell’s domain are a two-fold problem. They are the Promoters. They can come in either human or spambot form, yet they approach the video comment section with the same lurking menace. Without regards to the appropriateness of their comments, they strike, offering cursory comments as they throw in the link to their own insidious purpose. It may be a porn site, a “win money now!” site or even just their own crappy-ass video that they are trying to artificially inflate the view counter for. Most often, they say something to the effect of “Wow, that video is funny! You can find other funny things at matylknakghbilnag.com!” Unfortunately, such a comment does not work quite so well for a Holocaust remembrance video.

The final jabbering, walking brain damage victims are perhaps the most dangerous: the Griefers. “Griefer”, a term used in MMORPGs (read: YouTube commenter factories), describes those players whose sole purpose is to ruin the game for other players. They are assholes through and through. These also exist on these videos, taking the Shitstirrers’ job and making it that much more vile, intentionally angering other commenters for “the lulz”, an archaic retard term for laughs. They will go to very great lengths to destroy any good and fun in the world. They are basically little Antichrists. Beware at all costs.

There you have it. I do not blame you if you feel like taking a shower after reading this. Any person possessing a brain stem would feel the same. Cleanse yourself and thank your Maker that you are not one of those unfortunate multitude damned to idiocy.

And if you are and you’re reading this, get the fuck out.

Rupert the Drunk Returns from his Hiatus

Posted: July 14, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

Rupert the Drunk Returns from His Hiatus

Hey everyone.  I know, I know, I’ve been out of the loop for a while.  There is a reason for that: I was kidnapped by pirates.  No, not those Somalian posers.  I’m talking real, eye patch wearing, wooden leg having, yo-ho-hoing pirates.  They lured me on board their ship with rum and..well, I’m not really sure what happened.  All I know is I woke up in Barbados with no money and I wasn’t able to walk right for a month. So, I missed a lot back home and hopefully I can catch up. Well, the big thing in the news is Michael Jackson’s death.  Luckily, my roommate Tivoed the memorial service for me.  So, I guess I should pull out some of that rum the pirates gave me and watch it.

0:01-OK, so Diana Ross isn’t going to make it?   Isn’t she getting his kids?  Or is that Geraldo Rivera?  Man, this is good rum.

0:20-Ok, so they finally got the casket out.  Man, that is a shiny coffin.  That guy must have been loaded.

0:25-OK, that’s…Jermaine…Tito…Mar…Groucho..Harpo…which one’s Harpo? And they all have that glove on. Whee!

Editor’s Note-At this point, the small bottle containing the rum ran out.  Rupert went to his refrigerator and grabbed another.  In fact, he appears to have enough rum to last him for the rest of the summer.

0:45-Who’s this pregnant chick singing the Free Willy theme song?  Man, I am surprised she agreed to do this.

1:00-OK, Kobe Bryant.  Did you know Michael?  Did you?  Did you REALLY know Michael?

1:05-Ah, Magic Johnson.  He is a little to obsessed with KFC.  I think I saw the KFC logo on the coffin.  Magic Johnson’s cuff link says KFC!  I want some KFC.  Someone get me some KFC!
1:23-Whoo.  Jermaine’s singing! Something…smile…wonder what the song’s called?  Smile….there is is again

1:31-The glove is a lie!

editor’s note: At this point, Rupert went rummaging through his closest searching for the sequined glove he was now convinced was out to kill him.  Meanwhile, Al Sharpton addressed Jackson’s children stating that “what your dad experienced was strange.”  I think we can all agree on that.

1:53-Note: Rupert had discovered a sock that he was desperately trying to strangle.  And John Mayer was playing “Human Nature.”

2:00-So, when does Prince perform?  I like Prince.

2:17-We are the Squirrel…We are the child..ren..we are the ones whomadealighterstay, so let’s start…oh God, there’s the KFC logo again!

2:30-Blarrrgh!

Editor’s note-At this point, Rupert passed out and missed the touching tribute Paris gave to her dad.  He will see it later on Youtube and wonder what he was doing when that was on.

Writer’s Block: A Timeline

Posted: July 12, 2009 by kaostheory in Informative
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Everyone, holy fucking fuckballs am I SORRY about not updating for nigh on two months. More than, even. I’d like to say that I was lost between worlds as seven Scandanavian hookers brought me to meltdown orgasm again and again until my junk looked like a raisin with its stem attached. So I will. That’s what happened. End of story. Let’s move on.

On an entirely different note, I came up with a novel idea. Why don’t I write about writer’s block? I mean, I PERSONALLY don’t have it. God no. It was those damn Swedes and their smooth, supple skin grinding on my pelvis with greater force than a jeweller cutting down a diamond. But some people DO have it and that is why I am going to give a standard timeline for a typical version of writer’s block. Enjoy but be warned. It could happen to you.

Just as a helpful note, this is how the time signature should be read: 00:00 is the first time you sit down to write, 00:12 is twelve minutes in, 16:16 is sixteen hours and sixteen minutes since you started writing, so on and so forth.

00:00 – Alright. Got my beer, my robe, my music, my computer and my wonderful brain. Let’s do this.

00:03 – Cool, we’re running and gunning on this thing. Awesome. Already half a page down.

00:12 – Whew, my fingers are getting a little tired. And I’m out of beer. Let’s go grab another one and take a quick break.

00:34 – Okay, I’m back with my beer, my mac and cheese and a clean dishrag to wipe my hands on. Back to work.

00:35 – FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck. Stupid fucking mac and cheese. Stupid fucking FORK. Fuck, it’s everywhere. Shit shit shit.

00:41 – And we’re back. Had to make more mac and cheese. What? I’m hungry!

00:42 – GODDAMN FORK! No more mac and cheese today. Oh wow, would you look at that? I’m out of beer. Gotta get more.

00:44 – Let’s get back to work on this.

00:49 – Ehhh. Have to pee. Be right back.

00:50 – I love being able to pee quick. Splashback is a bitch though. Whatever, time to keep going.

01:14 – Hahahaha, okay, gotta stop. I’m laughing too hard at this. I am one funny bitch.

01:27 – Hrm, this isn’t a good stopping point but my brain is starting to hurt a little. And I’m out of beer.

01:29 – Alright, more beer. And a little YouTube.

01:33 – Did that thing just EAT that other thing? Holy crap. I’m a little afraid…okay, one more video then I gotta work.

01:36 – WHAT THE FUCK?! POOP DOESN’T GO THERE!

01:44 – Hrm. Well, I AM feeling a little horny. Let’s crank one out. Not like there’s any other option.

01:55 – Whew, there we go. A lot more relieved. Huh, beer’s gone.

02:00 – Yay beer. Loosens up the ol’ thought processes, getting the juices flowin’.

02:01 – And horny again. Stupid mind.

02:21 – Alright, that’s taken care of. Again. I need to work.

02:22 – Ooh, breaking news on ESPN. I just need to see the trade details.

02:30 – I cannot believe that they…oh, wait. I need to be WORKING. Don’t get distracted, don’t get distracted, don’t get…

02:37 – …okay, love you too, Mom. Yep. Yep. Goodbye. /hangup phone. Okay NOW time to work. Damnit! Beer’s gone.

02:40 – OW! Stupid wall. Nnnnnng. Almost nothing hurts more than stubbing your toe. That is going to be bruised tomorrow. Ow.

02:52 – Alright. Done peeing, bandaged the toe, no more beer left so I grabbed a bottle of wine. Let’s do this again.

03:28 – Is the screen supposed to look this blurry? I don’t think so. What am I saying? I’m drunk! Of course it is!

03:45 – Oh whoa, okay. Okay. Gotta write. Gotta…yeah. Write.

04:55 – Blaughaharhalblbhalablahlihab!

07:00 – Whuzza…wha…huhn…snooooore….

11:03 – Hruh…ugh…oh man…feels like someone rammed a Greyhound down the back of my throat and facefucked me…blugh.

12:38 – Ugh. Okay, the shower helped. What was I doing? Oh yeah. Writing. Let’s see what I got…oh. Oh, that’s not good. Wait, what did I SAY last night? Oh no…

13:11 – Cool, apologies are finished. Let’s try writing again.

14:44 – Damn it, YouTube. No more distractions. No more…okay, maybe one more.

14:56 – That was NOT my fault that that was twelve minutes long. Write time…go.

15:00 – /sob I am such a hack, such a fucking hack…

15:33 – Woo! Burst of inspiration! Go go go!

15:50 – And the burst is gone. Awesome. I got nothing.

16:16 – Okay, why am I doing this? This wasn’t even a good idea in the first place. It’s just rambling on and on and on and on with no real conclusion in sight. Again. Hack. Hack EX a million.

17:00 – Alright. You know what? Fuck this. I’m just going to go jack off again, play some video games and hope something comes up. If not, there’s always tomorrow.

Tomorrow – Lather, rinse, repeat, futility.

So there you have it. A basic day in the life of a frustrated writer. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go swallow Drano and ice my toe. I mean, balls.