Posted: April 23, 2009 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , , ,

Hello everyone. Sorry for not updating recently but those damn space mantises regrouped on Mars so I had to take a crack squadron of goons, completely with obligatory racial minority and female for sexual tension, to go kill those pinchy fuckers. Long story short: we got ’em, but some egg sacs got back to Earth and have taken over Uruguay. Those that have hatched have signed a treaty with us, under the condition they can have the country. We have decided it’s a small price to pay for peace.

Anyhow, as I was up in space shooting carapaces to bits, it occurred to me that there are an awful lot of tactics that guys and girls use to fuck with each other. Thus, I employed the services of a friend to be a sounding board for tactics and this is what we came up with. Enjoy.

Girl tactic: Get super “offended” by something a guy says, and use it as a means for being ‘not that into him’, thus an excuse to not have to speak to him again.
Guy tactic: Let it go. Show it didn’t hurt or mean a thing to you. It takes you girls off your guard like whoa.

Girl tactic: Saying ‘I have a lot of trust/guy issues’ is an easy repellant. It could either give you leverage to see how hard he’s willing to work (thus proving he’s a good guy), or get him to lay off. Quickly.
Guy tactic: Daddy issues aren’t necessarily a dealbreaker. Sometimes they can be fun.

Girl tactic: We screen our calls. Every single time. So the voicemail is key.
Guy tactic: We hate voicemails – they provide a paper/vocal trail of uncertainty – and will call dozens of times just to avoid having to leave one.
Girl tactic: Any guy that won’t man up enough to leave a voicemail loses ‘Potential Points’. No lie.

Guy tactic: We don’t understand your criteria. It’s like you have a syllabus detailing very explicitly your grading system and won’t hand it out in class.
Girl tactic: The girls worth anything are the ones without a syllabus. They are infinitely easier to recognize.
Guy tactic: Our radars are so effed by the chaff that is mixed signals by this point that we can’t tell the difference.

Girl tactic: We understand that you need ‘guy time’ just as much as we need ‘girl time’, but sometimes we just want all the attention. Every last drop of it.
Guy tactic: If you don’t want the guy doing guy time activities around you, let him have the guy time WITH the guys. Trust me, it’s easier that way.
Girl tactic: We think all you do during guy time is complain about how we don’t do mindblowing things in bed.
Guy tactic: All we do during guy time is get drunk and brag about the shit you WILL do

Girl tactic: We love it when you talk about baby names, or what you want the house to look like, or colors for the bridesmaids dresses. It doesn’t mean you need to turn into an effeminate guy — it’s the sexiest thing when you’re a just a guy that cares about the long term.
Guy tactic: The second a girl brings that shit up without warning, the friggin’ NORAD klaxon goes off in our head with a red light the brilliance of which is only matched by the SUN.

Girl tactic: “I was a fucking asshole to Dan. Seriously, like, I was an uncalled for jerk.”

Girl tactic: We think relationships should be exactly like the ending to a chick flick. (Note: This is totally unfair)
Guy tactic: We think relationships should be exactly like the beginning, middle and end of a porno (Note: Probably less fair)

Girl tactic: We like Momma’s boys. End of story.
Guy tactic: Fathers scare the HELL out of us. Because we know EXACTLY what is going through their heads. “Okay, you’re the little bastard who’s trying to take my little girl from me, huh? Let me tell you something. If you kiss her, I will kill you. If you have sex with her, I will kill your whole family. If you break her heart, I will kill everyone that has ever encountered you on the street. And I know you can hear this, AARON, so be warned.”

Girl tactic: Sometimes we say ‘nevermind’, just so people chase after us. (Note: This is so lame.)
Guy tactic: Some of us won’t bother chasing. Grow a set and talk things out like a grownup.

Girl tactic: We always want you to make the first move. Always.
Guy tactic: Some of us don’t have the stones for a first move and quite frankly consider it sexist to expect us to do so.

Girl tactic: We will basically orgasm upon first trace of chivalry.
Guy tactic: Fucking prove it.

Girl tactic: Girls that aren’t traditionally ‘girly’ have a tougher time of things. For instance, if you’re into baseball, you immediately become ‘one of the guys’.
Guy tactic: But even “guy” girls have tits and are therefore better.
Girl tactic: Yeah, but it’s harder to break out of the tomboy mold at that point.
Guy tactic: Doesn’t matter. Take your shirt off. Tomboy goes away.
Girl tactic: You can’t just be like, what is this, the bottom of the 8th? BAM, here are my boobs! It doesn’t work that way!
Guy tactic: Clearly you don’t understand men.
Girl tactic: I’m just saying, there’s no correct segway from RBI’s to fucking. The END.
Guy tactic: Yes there is. It’s called “Hey, this game’s great. Want to fuck?” It is THAT simple.

(Note: Conversation went off-track here but was too funny not to leave in)
NO WAY. That’s something out of a flipping porno skit, not real life.
Which is why it would WORK.
Well yeah, but then obviously, all regard for any decent, long-term relationship is OVER. You become fuckbuddies who come over to each other’s places for beer, wings, and sex, but that is IT. Which is fine, but like you said, a girl’s a girl no matter how tomboyish.
…beer, wings and sex is like a sports fan’s dream come true.
Totally, haha
Preferably at the same time
I mean, contrary to popular opinion, I think it’s do-able…haha.
If you do it doggie-style, you can use her back as a tray
AHAHAHA. YES, yes, you can.
Don’t know where the ranch could go that wouldn’t taint the flavor though
Just turn her over and drizzle it right on the boobs.
That sounds like it came straight out of a guy’s mouth. WOW.
You’re learning

Like I said, rape can be funny. End o’ story.
Exactly. Like if you raped a clown…or a six year old.
OMG, hahahaha.
Or the Burger King….or Mister Rogers…or Tony Danza.
It’s like a confusing, sexually charged orgy of creepy
Exactly, hahaha

(Note: Conversation resumed as normal here)

Girl tactic: When we see a girl with a guy we like, we ask ourselves ‘What did she do right to get HIM?’
Guy tactic: When we see a guy with the girl we like, we ask ourselves “How much is that asshole paying her?”

Girl tactic: Those nontypical girls hate that the guys get to be hams about their jokes. We know we’re supposed to be all ‘YOU are the only funny one around, mister!’, but serious props to the guy that laughs at the girl’s joke. Even if it sucks.
Guy tactic: Guys will laugh if a joke is funny, even from girls. Especially ones they want to sleep with.
Girl tactic: We have the same raging libido as guys, no matter how innocent. We just think we’ll be seen as nymphomaniacs for revealing it.
Guy tactic: Pretty sure you’d be seen as wicked cool if you did.
Girl tactic: Guaranteed, we’d look like a total slut if we did.
Guy tactic: Not if you didn’t bang every guy in sight.
Girl tactic: So just luring guys without screwing them is attractive? You’re still going to get a reputation from guys or girls either way.
Guy tactic: Big difference between luring and just flaunting a bit
Girl tactic: How do you define flaunting?
Guy tactic: I mean, just not be ashamed of being sexual like a majority of girls seem to be

Girl tactic: Just because we’re not chatty one day, doesn’t mean there’s something seriously wrong. Sometimes we just have quiet days.
Guy tactic: Well maybe you shouldn’t set the normal bar as being way chatty.
Girl tactic: Maybe you should jump in on being chatty, so we don’t feel like babbling weirdos. When you don’t say anything, we tend to get nervous and talk moremoremoremore, until we don’t know when to stop.
Guy tactic: Interrupting girls leads to future coitus interruptus. Fact.

Girl tactic: We’re split 50/50 on whether or not nervous, idle talk about ANYTHING is cute, or whether playing it smooth just works better.
Guy tactic: We’re probably just staring at your tits anyways

Girl tactic: Some girls’ boobs aren’t that big. They wholeheartedly believe in padded bras, so…don’t get disappointed when they’re half the size they appear in public.
Guy tactic: If you don’t want us to be disappointed, don’t make us believe in a lie. We don’t stuff our crotches. Some of us don’t need to.

Girl tactic: But you’re obsessed with stuff like the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. How are we supposed to live up to that!?
Guy tactic: Become Sports Illustrated swimsuit models
Girl tactic: The SI models are like blowup dolls. Nice to look at, but filled with silicone and zero thought processes.
Guy tactic: And preferably with our DICKS.

Girl tactic: When you don’t call us for a few days, we think the world is over.
Guy tactic: If we don’t call you, we’re probably just drunk.
Girl tactic: If you’re drunk, you should probably just come over and have your way with us.
Guy tactic: Like that ever fucking works.
Girl tactic: Depends when we’re ovulating.
Guy tactic: If you’re ovulating, we’re hightailing away from that den of trickery and fertility you call your vaginas.

Girl tactic: We like when you catch our drift. Like, we throw something out there, and you know what to do next without our direction.
Guy tactic: It’s just as easy to grab us by the hair and direct our face where you want it.
Girl tactic: But then we’re too “aggressive”.
Guy tactic: Says who?
Girl tactic: Unwritten law. What if you guys are like, WOAHTHERE, too fast. Of course we know what we want, but you can’t just force that stuff!
Guy tactic: I’ll give you a hint. We’d be perfectly fine with a blowjob instead of a hello. “Too fast” isn’t possible.

Girl tactic: You NEED to watch Sex & the City. The Samantha character is every guy’s dream woman, although she’s kind of a cougar.
Guy tactic: I’d rather drag my sack across broken glass.
Girl tactic: She’s still hot! And she wakes guys up with blowjobs. And gives blowjobs in public bathrooms. And has sex in the strangest positions. I’m pretty sure you could overlook the fact that she’s in her 40s. But maybe not.
Guy tactic: Eh, get a couple martinis in me and I’d give it a shot.

Girl tactic: Guys that cry every so often get extra credit.
Guy tactic: Perhaps but we lose man cred.
Girl tactic: Do you want to get screwed or not?
Guy tactic: Testes the size of baseballs should answer that for you.

Girl tactic: Like you get so nervous about The Dad, we get incredibly nervous to meet The Mom.
Guy tactic: As you should. Mothers are terrifying.
Girl tactic: Nah, we just want to impress with our domesticity.
Guy tactic: Pretty sure that doesn’t matter to the boyfriend.

Girl tactic: We’re always trying to be thinner for you guys.
Guy tactic: Don’t lose all of it. No guy wants to fuck a girl who feels like a pile of firewood.
Girl tactic: We love a guy who knows how to dress himself. Glasses are a plus. End of story.
Guy tactic: But glasses get in the way. Contacts are more comfortable.
Girl tactic: Contacts most of the time, but glasses are cute every so often. Just sayin’.
Guy tactic: I can buy that.

Girl tactic: You need to deal with our mood swings without getting irked. It’s just the way we operate, so the better you learn the ebb and flow, the easier things will be for you..
Guy tactic: We could deal with your mood swings if you didn’t turn into such raging cunts. Just because you’re cramped and leaking doesn’t give you the right to bite the heads off of guinea pigs or the emotional equivalent thereof.
Girl tactic: Oh come on! How would you feel being a beached whale for a week?! NOT FUN.
Guy tactic: Beached whales die. Why won’t you?

Girl tactic: Don’t live in the equivalent of a locker room. Learn how to clean….just a little. Nuff said.
Guy tactic: Why clean when you can do it for us?
Girl tactic: More clean, more sex.
Guy tactic: Our hands don’t try to bribe us.

Girl tactic: We will not, under any circumstances, go sans makeup for the first six months of our relationship with you. Literally, wake up earlier so we look presentable. (Note: This is also lame.)
Guy tactic: Fine, more sleep for us.

Girl tactic: Why do you guys feel the need to be macho all the time?
Guy tactic: Because we’re awesome, that’s why.

Girl tactic: Our favorite role to play is the sexy secretary. All the time, every time.
Guy tactic: We can dig that. We’re also fond of schoolgirl. And no, there is no way to explain it that doesn’t make us creepy-sounding.
Girl tactic: Start talkin’.
Guy tactic: Standard boilerplate is that it reminds us of a time when we were first noticing females in a sexual light.
Girl tactic: How Freudian of you…
Guy tactic: It’s better than the other option.
Girl tactic: Which is….?
Guy tactic: We just really really want to destroy innocence. With our manjunk.

Girl tactic: Similarly, we enjoy cursing. However, few are likely to curse so freely among the male species for fear of being thought of like a truck driver.
Guy tactic: That’s probably for the best. That extra leg on your Y-chromosome kills the fluid cursing ability in most cases.

Girl tactic: I think I’m running out of tactics…
Guy tactic: It’s cool. I think I blew my load already. And that’s too blatant to even “That’s what she said” it.
Girl tactic: Blew your load on what?!
Guy tactic: Well it certainly wasn’t the face of an Asian hooker I picked up near a Chinese restaurant around 7:30 tonight and am paying to act as a human footstool…
Girl tactic: That. is. the. most. bizarre. sentence. you. have. ever. uttered. EVER.

We certainly hope this was informative. It was…something to behold, alright. I feel like I need to go pray now.

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