The stuff I learned watching Guy Ritchie movies

Posted: April 16, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

I watched  RockNRolla last night and felt that the movie was perfectly illustrating the way to live the good life.  In fact, all of the Guy Ritchie output holds some very profound life lessons.  I would make this longer, but you see, Guy Ritchie does not wish for this to happen

Introductions should be as short as humanly possible
As seen in: Snatch.

Seriously, introductions can be little more than flashing your name up.  Make a name tag and consider yourself properly introduced to the world. If anyone protests, shoot their ass.  This is the world according to Guy Ritchie, after all.

Satisfying  sex takes approximately 7 seconds, including foreplay and the cigarette afterwards
As seen in: RockNRolla

This was the shortest sex scene in history.  But you know what?  Thandie Newton looked perfectly satisfied after the fact.  And if she can get off in seven seconds, than the average woman must get off in three seconds.  Don’t waste too much time guys.  You must pace yourself to hit the magical seven.  I know many who can go as long as nine seconds.  Remember; practice makes perfect.
It is absolutely impossible to kill Russians

As seen in: Snatch, RockNRolla

Don’t even bother trying.  They can be stabbed, shot, and I am sure other things, but they will get right back up.  Best thing to do is just try to make friends with them.  If you absolutely must kill them, wait until they attempt to sodomize you.  That seems to lower their strength.  And then, just one bullet.  If that doesn’t work, have a desert eagle handy.

The black gangsta motif is just as alive across the pond

As seen in: Snatch, RockNRolla

Yes, there are black people in Great Britain.  What, you were surprised?  Racist. What is more shocking is that the gangsta motif is just as alive there as it is here.  Apparently, Britain’s smuggling operations are entirely run by black people.  As are pawn shops.  And once in a while, music producers.  Britain is a great supporter of diversity.

Madonna songs are very good songs to play during torture

As seen in: Snatch (or possibly having Madonna herself show up in Swept Away)

If the Juggernaut uses it, well then, it must work.  Just crank up the Madonna and start the mayhem.  Car radios seem to be the most effective.  Just crank the volume and drive at fifty miles an hour.  Nothing makes you want to kill more than Madonna saying the word “bourgeoisie.”   By the time you are done, your foe will be reduced to nothing more than a few pieces of humiliated flesh, ashamed of the fact they had to die listening to Madonna.

Junkies and hitmen are actually among the most insightful people you will ever encounter

As seen in: RockNRolla, Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels

Yes, they are all insightful, they all have valuable life lessons, and they all listen to The Clash.  Also, they all can give sound financial advice.  Seriously, why deal with investment bankers?  Just find the nearest homeless man and watch the money roll in! Also, if you need to fake your death, junkies may have a piece of advice to help you out.  Junkies are seriously the Buddhas of today’s society.

If all else fails, then just let the problem solve itself
As seen in: Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch

Ever had to do something that seemed to hard?  Well, next time, just ignore it.  Eventually, competing parties will wipe each other out.  In debt to the mob?  Wait for someone to kill him.  Boss not promoting you?  Wait for someone to feed him to farm animals.  The waiting game is the best advice for anyone who is dealing with a crisis.

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