Rupert the Drunk Listens to Bat Out of Hell

Posted: April 10, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

Rupert the Drunk listens to Bat Out of Hell
Alright everyone.  I downloaded a new album on The Pirate Bay.  It’s that old Meat Loaf album.  My friend William likes it, or at least I think he does.  Well, at the very least, I will give it a shot.  It can’t be any worse than In A Gadda De Vida, or however you spell that.  Well, I also managed to get to the package store.  And it’s a Friday night.  What could be better?

8 seconds-Wow, didn’t really take him that long to stick a keyboard in there, huh?  Ah well, it’s…yea.  It’s good.  So far.

55 seconds-So far, I have no idea how to make this a drinking game.  Everytime I think I hear, what’s his name, Todd Rundgren?

1 min 48 seconds-you know, vocals never hurt anyone.  On a side note, this is perhaps the quickest I have ever drank an entire bottle of Strong.

1 min 55 seconds-Ah, here we.  Vocals.  But did he say?  Gum in his eye?  That would kind of suck.

2 min 58 seconds-Whoo, he said it.  Bat Out of Hell!  Why is that so exciting?  I don’t know, but right now I feel like going out and beating a puppy.

3 minutes 36-Man, he must have the most badass motorcycle in history.

5 minutes 12 seconds-Another Strong Bow gone.  Meat Loaf really does drive me to the drink.

5 minutes 48 seconds-Why the hell did he slow down?  No, speed up.  That was cool.  Come on man.  Speed up the tempo again.

6 minutes 16-Is this song ending anytime soon?  What…another….another three minutes?  Dammit Meat Loaf.

6 minutes 42 seconds-This could be that guitar guy. Better take…drink…just to be sure.

8 minutes 4 seconds-Did he just say he wants to rip out his own heart?  That’s kind of awesome, I guess, but Meat Loaf seems like a guy who would really have to dig to find it.

9 minutes 16 seconds-This man really likes to say the word hell.

9 minutes 31 seconds-OK, first song done.  That was kind of cool.  Now the second one.

9 minutes 56 seconds-OK, what the hell is this?  Something about a wolf with roses and a woman who wants to have sex with it?  What happened to the music?!

10 min-It’s creepy when that one guy says “yes.”  I think I will be sleeping with the lights on tonight

10 min 13 seconds-You just asked that question, woman!  Dammit, I am drinking more.  Where’s my tequila?

10 minutes 45 seconds-Finally, actual music again!  Whoo.  Tequila leads to good things happening.

10 minutes 55 seconds-Wiki jumping is fun during…listenig…to music…stuff.
Editors note: At this point, Rupert logged onto wikipedia, attempting to find out the definition of his own name.

12 minutes 1 sec-There’s a Teddy bear named after me!!!

13 minutes 13 seconds-I can’t even really understand what the man is saying.  Something about words right out of his mouth.  I can understand you.  Turn the guitar down!

13 minutes 45 seconds-I bet that pussy Jimmy Page is playing guitar on this.  That fucking pussy.  No one likes you, dude!

14 min 20 seconds-Why are the Spice Girls on back up vocals?  Does this mean I should drink more?  Probably.

14 minutes 56 seconds-Another song done.  This one incomprehensible.  What is that wolf?  I’m scared.  I need my nite light.  I miss my nite light.

Editor’s Note: At this point, Rupert paused the album and went to his closet in a frantic search to find a nite light.

14 minutes 57 seconds-Slow piano.  Scratch the nite light.  Who needs a nite light?  Not me!

Editor’s Note: At this point, captured by the song, Rupert took out a cigarette lighter and began to swing it back and force.

15 minutes 8 seconds- (singing) Heah-ven Can WAIIIT!

16 minutes 15 seconds-Need another drink

17 minutes 45 seconds-(uncontrollable sobbing)

17 minutes 48 seconds-Why was I born a man?

18 minutes 10 seconds-Second tequila.  Wooo!

18 minutes 23 seconds-Really high note there?  Was Meat…a…what is…Castrati?  I’m going with Castrati.

19 minutes 10 seconds-OK, fourth song.  Hopefully more fun is to be had. Still, that wolf crap…..

19 minutes 20 seconds- A sax.  Really.  On an epic rock album.  For shame!

19 minutes 54 minutes-An awesome booty tackle?  You know, maybe I should check the linear notes.

20 minutes 35 seconds-His name is Robert Paulson.  His name is Robert Paulson…
Editors note: This statement continued ad nausem.  Only the first two examples have been preserved

22 minutes 40 seconds-Meat Loaf, don’t even try to pass yourself off as a sex symbol.  You are about as sexy as the baked chicken I had for dinner.  Oh yea.  Hot.

23 minutes 10 seconds-Are we close to that dashboard song?  Are we?  I am looking forward to that.  I think I’ve heard that before.  On a phone commercial.

24 minutes-there is no shame in actually ending a song.  You know that right?  Songs do end sometimes.  It’s something you should look into.

24 minutes 30 seconds-Like there, for example.  A song ending.

24 minutes 35 seconds-There, another piano ballad.  And Meat Loaf sounds weird.

25 minutes 10 seconds-Nothing inside of you?  I thought Meat Loaf at least had a cream filling or something.

25 minutes 40 seconds-I can’t…get No.ohoho-Sa-tis-fact-shun.
Editor’s Note: At this point, Rupert attempted to go get his guitar.  It had to be taken away from him, as it has been ruled that his touching of a guitar constitutes a felony.

27 minutes-pretty sure I heard something about oil.  Can’t be sure.

30 minutes-Para-dise! On the Dashboard Light!  Is it up yet?  No?  Crap.  Para-dise! on the Dashboard Light!

33 minutes-Ok, the last song was torture.  But we have Dashboards now.

33 minutes, 10 seconds-OK, this isn’t really that much better.

33 minutes 40 seconds-Is Meat Loaf a Jedi?  It would explain a lot.

35 minutes-I am the Vader to Meat Loaf’s Luke!!

Editor’s Note: at this point, Rupert went searching for Meat Loaf with a plank of wood in hand he referred to as his “light saber.” Attempts to coax him to bed were unsuccessful.

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