Fear and Loathing Somewhere Near Greek Row

Posted: April 7, 2009 by pred3000 in Slice of Life

We were somewhere near the soccer field, on the edge of the grass, when the booze began to take hold.

I remember saying something like, “Whoa, I feel a little whoozy. Maybe we we should slow down.

Suddenly, I saw this giant animal on the field with a red colored ball. It found me and began to charge. I though, “Jesus, what is that damn animal after me?”

It was true. On the soccer field was the single largest seal I had ever met. In between its balancing act, it would come after me, jumping and barking with a devilish gleam in its eyes?

“What are you screaming about?” my roommate asked.

“Never you mind. Let’s just keep walking.” No sense in telling him about the seal yet. The poor bastard would see it soon enough.

The party was BYOB. We had two bottles of SKYY, half a bottle of Seagrams, two six packs left of Strongbow, two handles of Captain Morgan, a handle of Cruzan’s pineapple rum a small bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, a jar of corn whiskey, a cranberry juice bottle filled with half cranberry juice, half vodka, three bottles of kosher wine. Also a quart of tequila, a 24 pack of Natural Light, and a pint of our own distilled brand of filtered liquor. Not that we needed all that for the party. But once you get locked into a serious alcohol collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.

The one thing I was worried about was our brand. It had never been tested on humans before. The rats we had given the stuff to had all collapsed and died of what we later determined to be heart failure. I knew we would be getting into that vile stuff soon ourselves.

Headquarters had sent us to cover some big fundraiser at the Chi Phi fraternity house. I was not quite sure what the theme would be. Everyone there was wearing these bizarre masks. In the right light, the people took on the appearance of lizards. This was all part of some sort of huge celebration going on. I can never be sure what exactly there is to celebrate in this foul year of our Lord, two thousand and nine.

Despite this, the atmosphere was jovial. They had forgotten the foul stench of the world around them. They had drinks flowing and who knows what else being passed around like candy. I didn’t bother asking what sort of chemical that was. No sense in ruining the scene. Such an action is among the most likely ways to get a man kicked out.

Not that I had noticed much about the atmosphere until after a long, intensive reflection. At the time, I was mostly concerned with not being ejected from the locale. I had slowly become a man over the years become an expert at being ejected from places. I slowly approached the door, trying to fight the jelly that had become my legs.

“Good evening! My name is, uh, Russ! I am on the list to interview some members of this fine fraternity. This is my roommate, and he must be allowed in!”

There was no debate about it what so ever. They let us both in, with no provisions on smoking and drinking.

It wasn’t long before my roommate cornered me about that incident. At first he was babbling in some incoherent language. I couldn’t figure it out. Slowly, it all became more clear. “You’re lucky we managed to get into this place at all. You scared the shit out of them!”

“That’s the problem with you man! Here we are, and you just keep complaining!”

“What does that mean?”

I had no idea how to continue this discourse.
I went around the place, trying to find what had been ultimately been my goal. At least, I think it was my goal. My mind had become so overloaded with goals that it was simply impossible to focus on only one. I instead went to the nearest person I could find, a leggy woman who people were constantly flocking, presumably to seek her wisdom.

“Excuse me” I asked “What is the collegiate dream?”

She gave me a blank look. The blankest I had ever seen a human being give.


“The collegiate dream?”

She gave a hearty laugh and opened her shirt.

“Here it is!”

I had to reflect on how simple some of the great mysteries of life truly are. I had expected the search for the collegiate dream to take me a long while that would lead me on a great odyssey that would eventually get me thrown out of a diner somewhere upstate. But no, it was always right in front of me. Sometimes, the best things are the things you do not have to search for.

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