The Doctor Is In #1

Posted: April 4, 2009 by kaostheory in Mailbag
He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

He kicks your problems' asses! With advice!

I’m Doctor Awesome McKickass and I’m welcoming you to Dan Eats Cat Food. Being the epitome of awesome I am, plus a doctor, I feel that it is part of my duty here to keep an open rapport with the fans. So, every Friday I will be offering up a live chat transcript with the populace. Please enjoy. The doctor is now in.

Are you really a doctor?
Larry in Massachusetts

– Yes.

Jenna in DC

– Yes.

Where did you get your PHd? And when?
Pablo in New Mexico

– University of Maryland, class of nonayofuckinbiness.

What does it take to become a doctor in awesome?
Keith in St. Louis

– That’s a good question, Keith. It’s not nearly as easy as it may sound. It’s actually incredibly rigorous. You have to spend every waking minute making sure you adher to the three tenets of Awesome. It becomes a lifestyle, not just a program of study.

What are the three tenets of Awesome? I’ve never heard of them.
Alicia in New Orleans

– The three tenets are as follows: be awesome in sexual appearance and appetite, be awesome at sports and other non-sexual activities, and be awesome at drinking and carousing. There’s a faction in the program that is pushing for the addition of a fourth tenet, being awesome at giving back to the community, but strict conservatives vote it down every time. It’s the most contentious issue facing the program today.

Is there any real difference in how the tenets are covered?
Xavier in Montana

– Yes. While all three tenets must be adhered to, each student is allowed to choose an area in each of them to specialize in. For example, I personally specialized in foreign beer (with further emphasis on Belgians), American football (with an emphasis on examining the AFC) and marathon sex (doggie-style preferred). My personal best was twelve days without leaving my room, including for food and water. It was actually my thesis.

How long does it take to get a degree?
Felicia in Phoenix

– That depends on the student in question. If a student is dedicated to the goal, as I was, they can graduate in three years, give or take a few months. But if they spend their time dicking around with public service and monogamy, it can take up to six years. Some never graduate, being too lame to do so. It’s a shame but it happens.

What are awesome things?
Brendan in Washington

– I think that requires defining exactly what awesome is first.

What is awesome, then?
Trent in New Jersey

– There we go. Awesome is defined in the Bitchin’-cratic Oath (the oath all graduates sign upon leaving the program) as: “The mental and physical condition of being so totally fuckin’ rad that anyone who sees, hears, comes in contact with or even thinks of the object, person or animal in question feels his or her balls or tits grow a little bit”. This definition is very strictly enforced. Something cannot be “kinda” awesome. It is either awesome or it is not.

Okay, jackass. So what are awesome things?
Brendan in Washington

– I obviously can’t list all of them, since the status of awesome changes for things day-to-day, but I’ll list some that have become solid in that vein: fire, explosions, nuclear explosions, knives, swords, guns, big guns, blacksmiths, ninjas, pirates, robots, robot women, robot women with the possibility for sex, flexing biceps, sweet-ass air kicks, hot women, fairly hot women, women that aren’t that hot but are willing to do things that are illegal in Alabama, monkeys, squirrels, monkeys riding squirrels, Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey, bacon, bacon-wrapped bacon, turkey bacon with bacon bits, any movie by Stallone or Zack Snyder, Star Wars (the original three), Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, cocaine, X, morphine, anything alcoholic, missionary sex, anal sex, and anal sex with Brendan’s mom. That’s right, Brendan. Your mom likes it rough.

Is it only men that can be awesome?
Bridget in Salem

– Of course not! Some of my most awesome colleagues are women. In fact, my college girlfriend Abigail is so awesome that she has actually caused male porn stars to ejaculate prematurely just by winking at them. God, I miss her. I should call her up and see how she’s doing…

So what do you use your degree for?
Grace in New Zealand

– Every student does different things with their degree. Personally, I’ve opened a clinic designed to aid those critically ill with not-awesome. I have seen some heartbreaking sights, I shit you not. A man that couldn’t drink alcohol because it made him gag. A woman who wouldn’t have sex with her boyfriend on moral grounds. And worst of all, a man who couldn’t flex his biceps.

That sounds horrible! How did you fix him?
Vickie in London

– I’ll be honest. It wasn’t easy. A strict treatment of weight-lifting, boozing, hooker-sexing, and Rambo-watching has helped a bit, but we won’t know the full results until the beginning of next month. It takes time to suss out why he’s such a pussy. Alright, last question everyone!

Is your name really Awesome McKickass?
Kellen in New York

– It is now.

Thanks for chatting, everyone. Until next time, stay awesome. And if you can’t, that’s why I’m here! Deuces!

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