Your Spring Break Just Doesn’t Measure Up

Posted: April 3, 2009 by kaostheory in Slice of Life
Tags: , ,
It's all real, people.

It's all real, people.

Note to readers: This article is a bit delayed due to it appearing in the current issue of my school newspaper. The actual paper comes out today so call this a sneak peek. Enjoy, bitches!

I certainly hope that everyone’s Spring Break was memorable. Yes, I know that some of you all had to stay on campus to do work or had sports games to perform at or, I don’t know, ballet recitals to watch and wish for death’s sweet embrace to take you away from the pink, glittery hell. But me? Well, mine had some…unintended events take place. What were they, you ask? I’m glad you asked! Let’s run down the list.

Became a matador and fought in Pamplona – This one was fun. I got really good at swirling that cape that they have to play with. I have to say though, getting gored is no bueno.

Went into space – It’s true. NASA sent me up into space to explore the vast outer reaches of the universe. It was pretty badass.

Fought giant space mantises on Venus after going into space – I’m not really allowed to talk about this one.

Discovered a hole in the space/time continuum – A side effect of the medication I had to go on after fighting back the villainous horde of mantises was that I actually was able to manipulate the fabric of the very universe. So I totally went back to shake my hand in 1987. Little baby me peed my Huggies.

Used the hole in space and time to punch Mussolini in the face so freakin’ hard – I mean really freakin’ hard, man.

Became metallic – This one was unsettling. I woke up on Thursday and for whatever reason, I was able to cover my body with a thin sheen of unbreakable metal, like Wolverine except all over or like Colossus if he hadn’t been such a bitch. True story though, metal doesn’t breathe well. And it chafes like nobody’s business. Avoid at all costs.

Became Metallica – Yes, I was successful in my efforts to transmute my consciousness into the bodies of all four members of Metallica. Gotta be honest here…it was a little disappointing. They play a lot of Jenga. A LOT of Jenga.

Became lead singer of Poison for a tour – I loved this one. Bret Michaels came up to me and was like “Bro, listen, I really need your help. I’m exhausted by being awesome and having all these women rub up against me and performing. Can I tag out for a week?” Yes, Bret. Yes, you could.

Got my own reality show – I was also able to parlay my brief musical career into a reality show. They called it “The Adventures of Doctor Awesome McKickass (all rights reserved)” and it revolved around me hooking up, drinking Cristal and getting grillz on mah teef. It lasted three weeks and will never reach syndication. It was too smart for those MTV jackasses.

Killed a bear with my bare hands while naked – Okay, okay, look, this one got way blown out of context. What happened was I was taking a mental cleansing day in a forest up in Minnesota and was letting the cool Midwest air suck the toxins from my body when I came across a mother bear and her two cubs. Thinking it would be funny, I grabbed one of the cubs and took off across the forest. She chased me, the intent to maul clear in her furious roars, and the only recourse I had was to jump on her back and put her in a headlock until she succumbed to my strength squeezing the life from her body. Then I tied the cubs to my car and let them ride on top as I drove back to Atlanta. They’re in a better place now. The Atlanta Zoo.

Merged minds with the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl – This one was actually running concurrently with the bear saga. During my vision quest, the god came to me and asked me to be his human vessel in his attempt to regain control of the soul of the planet. I agreed, but my reckless actions with the bear showed him that mankind was still too unstable to conquer and he ran like a winged snake god out of Hell away from me. Shame too. It was like having James Earl Jones in my head.

Impregnated four hundred women, including three former Disney stars – I can’t tell you which ones. Their lawyers have me strapped down tighter than they did. *rimshot*

Was elected President of Surinam – Even I don’t know how this one happened.

Was reborn as a Highlander – “There can be only one” is actually a fallacious statement. Instead, the Highlanders have an elite cadre of members that meet occasionally to discuss policies and play some poker which watching the game.

Tripped the light fantastic – I owned that freakin’ light. And no, I don’t know what this means.

Partied with T-Pain – I was on a boat, I was on a boat, everybody looked at me ‘cause I was sailing on a boat. I was on a boat, I was on a boat, took a good hard look at the m-f boat.

Was pursued through four states by federal agents after defiling an unidentified national treasure – I’ll give you a hint. It rhymes with “The Declaration of Independence”. Wait…

Walked the dinosaur – Boom boom acka lacka lacka boom. Boom boom acka lacka boom boom.

Got a wicked awesome tan – I’m talking bronzed, baby. Atlas-style.

Brewed my own liquor and consumed it in front of little children – Part gasoline, part fermented peaches, all awesome.

And finally, flexed my biceps so awesomely that Helen of Troy came back through time to personally thank me for rocking the shizzy – No foolin’. She actually said shizzy.

What a tiring break! But you know what? I wouldn’t trade any of these experiences for the world. Okay, maybe the whole federal charges thing, but in their defense, I WAS kind of a prick about it.

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