Pranking Your Friends

Posted: April 1, 2009 by kaostheory in Advice
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April Fools’ Days is upon us, bringing with it the opportunity to scare, or “fool” the ever-loving shit out of your friends and loved ones. If the people you care about aren’t suffering minor coronary distress, well…you just aren’t doing your damn job right. Thankfully, we here at Dan Eats Cat Food understand your dilemma and are here, as always to assist you in tormenting those you love. Here are some suggestions to get them good!

Use your Photoshop skills – Make a lewd picture involving your friend, his boss’s significant other (be it male or female) and pinecones covered in peanut butter and tuna fish. Make sure it’s as degrading and sexually unnerving as possible. Then tag him in it and post it on Facebook, being sure to give his boss the URL. It’s a laugh riot and totally will not get him fired/get his ass kicked.

Fake your own death – This is a common trick so be sure to go above and beyond normal means. Be really dedicated to the prank. I mean REALLY dedicated. Bribe EMTs, policemen, doctors, morticians, public officials, the works. Let them know that they have to inform those you love really late at night. Take fake autopsy pictures and make them as gruesome as possible. Remember, you’re going for authenticity here. If people aren’t sobbing hysterically, they aren’t fooled.

Get drunk and abusive – I know, I know. This doesn’t sound like a prank. But it is. Think about it. What better joke can there be than getting hammered and calling those closest to you vile names and revealing deep-seated resentments and bitterness? It’s even more fun when you wake up the next day, hungover, sick and headachey, and are met with angry glares and mumbled curses!

If you know a friend is concerned she may be pregnant, mess with her kits – Trade out unused tests for those already testing positive. You can find these by rifling through dumpsters and trash cans, particularly those near urban areas of large cities. It’ll be a barrel of laughs when you hear a scream from halfway across town. Just be prepared for tearful phonecalls and upset boyfriends haranguing you about it. Don’t let it go too far though. Abortions are costly when they aren’t real.

Four words – Duct-tape the whole house.

Alien possession – Pretend you’re an alien traveler that has taken over the body of this weak human vessel. Create a nice long backstory, complete with the obligatory civil war that is damning your people to a life of slavery and death. Stay straight-faced. This is key. People will laugh at you at first but the laughs will morph into nervous giggles the longer you stay in character. Your ultimate goal is to actually win one of them over. Yay for uncomfortable method acting!

Scuba – Walk around in public wearing nothing but a scuba mask, flippers and a banana hammock. Insist fervently when questioned that you and the rest of the world is in fact underwater. If someone tries to remove your mask, scream as if King Kong is raping you (you really thought I’d make it through an article without a rape joke?) and start gasping frantically for air until they put it back on. Trying to turn blue is a must.

Four more words – Molotov cocktail the Capital.

Cut random brakelines – Find different parking garages. Make sure you choose random cars on every level and in every garage. Then rent a helicopter, fly high above the city as if some giant bird and watch the chaos you hath wrought on humanity as squealing tires and explosions rend the afternoon sky. Be sure to avoid all security cameras and fingerprints too. Evidence is a real bitch to get out of.

Four last words – Get jiggy wit’ it.

Summon demons by opening a portal in an IKEA – There is no possible bigger prank that you could pull. All those amateurs putting Saran Wrap on toilet seats, putting paper across doors and wearing joy buzzers will fall down in awe as you raise the forces of Hell through a stainless steel futon frame. Satan himself will kill your foes with a tasteful mahogany endtable. You will win the fucking day. Why IKEA, you ask? Because fuck you, that’s why!

There you have it, some legit pranks to pull on this most wonderful of days. Be sure to try them out and let us know of your success. We will assume no portals until we see otherwise. Vaya con Christian Slater!

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