A guide to Video Game Addictions

Posted: March 24, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

The first step to solving your problem is admitting you have a problem.  That has been the statement of every single recovery group in the world.  Well, this works with drugs and alcohol, but what about the biggest problem facing America today?  I am, of course, talkinga about video games.  The biggest problem with this disastrous addiction is that no one is really sure when they have had “too much.” Well, I am here to sort out this dire problem.  Here are sure tell signs you are playing too much off a certain game.

You know you are playing too much Mario if…
you stomp on random turtles and then wonder why you don’t score points.

-you demand all of your plumbers be fat, Italian, and impossible to understand.

-you keep changing addresses on the grounds that “the princess is in another castle.”

-you eat mushrooms expecting to gain life or, at the very least, height.

-You insist your brother wear green and your other brother wear purple.

You know you are playing too much Guitar Hero if

-you think a band sucks because you have yet to beat their song on “expert.”

-you dress up to play with a fisher price toy.

-you have used that music creation program on World Tour.  Loser.

-if you have yet to realize it’s all just karaoke.

-if you believe Joe Satriani to be a noob because he has yet to beat your top score.

You know you are playing too much Grand Theft Auto if

-you know all of the Love Fist lyrics

-you seriously have contemplated the murder of Jack Thompson (ok, maybe this isn’t a sign)

-you have referred to pedestrians as a “burden on society.”

-you believe that Candy Suxx is the greatest porn star in history

-you think that Brucie wasn’t a complete loser

You know you are playing too much Halo if

-you replay levels just to pretend you can hear Ron Perlman’s voice.

-you are planning a trip to Mombassa, just so you can find all the sniper’s nests.

-you plan your gun purchases around what frags noobs the best.

-others are prepared for the zombie apocalypse. You are prepared for the Flood landing on Earth.

-You can  no longer speak in any language except in leet speak and vulgar, vulgar swearing.

You know you are playing to much Fallout if

you refuse to use water fountains as you are worried about your radiation level.

-when you go to the store, you are worried about becoming “over encumbered” and thus reduce your purchases to the bare minimum.

-You believe mole rats will become our lords and masters.

-You have tried to use bottle caps to make purchases.

-two headed cows totally turn you on.

You know you play too much Resident Evil if

you constantly expect action films to be filmed from directly behind the main character’s shoulder.

-you have asked “Barry, where’s Barry?” and then wondered why your ass got kicked.

-you believe no door can be opened without first figuring out an overtly complex puzzle.

-if  you have honestly tried to defend the films anywhere at anytime.

-if Jill Valentine turns you on.

If you exhibit any of these symptoms, please seek help immediately

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