The World on Two Bottles of Wine

Posted: March 22, 2009 by kaostheory in Slice of Life

Some articles require in-depth research in order to properly mine an appropriate joke. Some articles require pithy observations on life to create mirth. Some articles require dropping to new depths of vulgarity to shock and awe. And then there are those articles that erupt as Athena from the forehead of Zeus due to…well, just being a drunk sumbitch. This…is one of those. What follows are actual thoughts from wine-drunk Aaron. Beware.

You goddamn Sixer. I scores.

I am overestimating my oral sex skills. I believe I would be stellar. This is probably not so.

I would pay for a Dizzy Gillespie trumpet but I\’m pretty sure those are custom made.

I’m tough. Like a fucking GI Joe.

Yay wine bottles. Very yay drunk. Awesomeness.

Ohshit. Moving to merlot straight from the bottle.

There is a noise outside. It sounds as if giant flutes are being blown by the wind blown by the wind and when I go there I go there with you it’s all I can do fuck yeah U2 even though fuck Bono’s Irish douchey ass.

Wine bottles are like beer except more fruity and in bigger sizes. Fucking FACT there.

Chugging wine out of the bottle makes me feel like…I ‘unno…Clive Owen. Or a wino. Don’t know which.

Aggressive chicks = Boner City…referring, of course, to the waitress at Dick’s in Myrtle Beach, SC.

Mouth tastes weird after wine. Like chalk and dead bleeding grapes.

Lights are flashy overhead. Pretty sure that’s just my eyelids talking to me.

Goddamn webcomic marriage shit. Way to make feel worse, assholes!

Okay, Screwdrivers now. Not drunk enough to blog.

Game strategies are not life and death. I would do well to remember this.

I am a little ashamed that I would do unspeakable shit to current freshmen.

Fucking hell. Why are so many younger girls so hot? I feel like an asshole when I want to put it in every hole. Gah.

I am past the point of giving a shit. I want Steak ‘n’ Shake so that will be lunch tomorrow. I must slumber.

Begone ye demons! Approach no longer my soul laid bare with boozeaholing!

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