Stupid Lines in Otherwise Good Movies

Posted: March 20, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

We all have favorite movies.  We also think that, no matter their faults, they are perfect and represent the pinnacle of cinema.  Well, my job is to find the truly cringe worthy lines in these movies.  Not just bad lines.  No, I am talking the lines that make you blush when you hear them, make you talk extra loud to your friends when you are showing it to them, make you shut off the DVD player and consider never turning it on again.  When you read these lines again, you will wonder why you ever watched these movies.

Mathis’s pointless narration during the card game in Casino Royale-You know what I am talking about here.  During the card game, Mathis makes the most pointless narration in the history of narration, from stating the amount in the pot long after we know that information to explaining to audiences how exactly to call a bluff.  News flash: People know how to play cards.  Poker nights are quite a popular weekly event.  We don’t need some old guy explaining it to us.  Plus, within the movie, it destroys and semblance of tension you were trying to create.   Here’s an idea…why not just SHOW us what is happening rather than tell us?

“Dipshit, did you call, moi, a dipshit?” from Terminator 2: Judgement Day-It’s the moi that kills this.  No, frankly, it’s the entire thing.  Edward Furlong makes a terrible John Connor.  I don’t care if he was the first…he has so far been the worst.  For the future savior of mankind, he sure is a whining little bitch.  Oh, and get a haircut.  Seriously.  Anyway, this line was essentially to brag about having a terminator programmed ot obey your every command.  I don’t know about you, but my first reaction to this would not be a moi.  If it was Kristana Loken, my first sentence would be something along the lines of “sexin time.”

“I’ll be home in time for cornflakes!” from Total Recall-Second Ah-nuld film on the list, but neither lines were delivered by him.  Some would question why “give dese peeple ah-ur” is not on here, but that line isn’t bad, just fantastically hilarious.  Anyhow, this line is delivered right near the end during a Bond style narration of the sinster plan.  If this is meant to be a spoof of such scenes, then the line….sucks.  Can you picture Dr. No saying something like “I will kill you and go home to my delicious Crunchberries?”  No?  I am not surprised.  This villain doesn’t seem to realize how breakfast food totally undercuts his menace.

“I like…Shrek” from I Am Legend-I may be pushing the definition of “good” film with this one.  But this line still deserves special recoginition.  This line nearly killed the film.  I mean, we have been blessed with awesome vampire killings, and then this special tribute to Shrek comes out of nowhere and makes Will Smith look like a complete tool.  I had no idea he was under Shrek’s payroll.  And did I mention the vampires?  Well, what the hell does Shrek have to do with fucking vampires?!
“Quick, to the top of Mount Wanna Hocka Loogie!” from Finding Nemo-Frankly, I have always hated the “just keep swimming line” but people have told me this is because I have no heart.  Well, then, this is the runner up. But seriously.  Pixar is noted for being at least somewhat intelligent.  Why settle for one of the stupidest puns in history?  Didn’t they know puns are never, ever funny?  Especially puns of this caliber?  They might as well have had Yakov Smirnoff do a bit halfway through the film.

“Are you going to accuse him of something?” from Dark City-This line is delivered by a distraught wife at a police station.  My first reaction was “no princess, they want to take him down to the police station to give him a cookie!” My second reaction is to dive for the fast forward button.  For such a smart script, surely they could have come up with something better.  The worst part of all is that the cop doesn’t treat the line like garbage (by, say pistol whipping her) but instead responds as though this is completely normal.

“Eat Floor….High Fiber” from Batman Returns-Pause for a second and imagine Christian Bale saying this.  That scream of terror you just heard was probably you.  Michael Keaton doesn’t have this problem…he is a comedian.  But, Batman definitely has a problem saying this sort of garbage.  He is the Batman,  not some guy trying to impress the drunken crowd on open-mic night.  This line demonstrated just how low the cinematic Batman was willing to sink.  Luckily, he never went over the line until that old guy in the feather boa took over the director’s chair.

There are plenty of other garbage lines out there.  This was merely all I had the energy to stomach.

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