Selling Sex to Incredibly Underage Girls

Posted: March 12, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

Hi everyone.  Last nights’ South Park got me thinking: Sex sells.  And who has more disposable income than anyone else in the world?  That’s right! Children!  Or at the very least, the parents of children who just want them to shut up already and let them enjoy a nice cool beverage in peace.  Don’t complain kids, that drink prevents them from killing you where you stand.  So, how do I, or indeed, any average person, become involved in this lucrative market?  Well, it’s easy!  Just follow these simple steps and you will strike gold!  First..

1. The actual sex symbol- Keep in mind the men do not necessarily have to look like menor indeed, look remotely human.  Seriously, I am not convinced that Corbin Bleu is even from this galaxy, much less planet.  Anyway, the average little girl is scared by certain aspects of men…specifically, such things as body hair, shoulders, and the like.  You can use anything to be your sex symbol!  A teenage boy, a younger girl in stilts, a hairless chihuahua wearing clothes from American Eagle…the sky is the limit here!  Once you have your established sex symbol you need

2. An album featuring the “vocals” of said sex symbol-OK, this is the big one.  You need to show that not only is your sex symbol sexy, but also very deep.  I mean, he wrote those songs all by his lonesome (With the help of some session musicians and established lyricists) and the little dapper gent can also carry a tune (with the help from studio editing and the aforementioned session musicians)! But how do you go about finding just the right lyrics?  Well, first, watch the newest episode of American Idol.  Then, immediately forget you did…compared to your sex symbol, those people will look like Lou Reed.  Instead, find inspiration wherever you can.  Chinese fortune cookies are a good place to start.  As are billboard slogans.  And don’t forget about the song about the sexy man breaking from his shell!  Just listen to Queen’s “I Want to Break Free” and remove all the gay innuendo, and you are halfway there!

3. Get a contract with Disney- No one knows how to sell sex better than Disney!  Seriously.  Go watch Roger Rabbit.  I will wait.  Alright.  Now you tell me Joanna Cassidy is not the sexiest woman alive! Anyway, you need to get your contract going with Disney.  If you have done the first two steps correctly, then this will come naturally.  If you have not, then it may be necessary to fellate Mickey Mouse.  He likes it with teeth.  Ok, so you have your contract.  Now it’s time for the next step.

4.  Have your sex symbol star in a TV show to promote his music– This may sound a little tricky, but it’s really simple.  Simply take two of the current largest trends on television, combine them, and make them kid friendly!  For example, you could combine cooking shows with variety shows hosted Bob Saget.  Think of the possibilities!  In the middle of songs, your sex symbol could bake muffins with Bob Saget.  Cha-ching, baby!  Or, alternatively, you may select ESPN show and combine it with a Sci-Fi show that makes absolutely no sense after the first season!  Your sex symbol can develop the power to teleport anywhere, and have it fueled by the power of music.

5.  Make a Movie, Preferably in 3-D– Ok, so the show is a hit, and now your sex symbol is on every single magazine.  Where do you go from there?  Why, to the box office!  Your sex symbol must star in a major movie.  And make it 3-D.  That way, the girls will actually feel like your sex symbol’s metaphorical penis is right there in their faces!  Also, be sure to include some innocent seeming props.  The Jonas Brothers already used foam as sperm.  You could always have his character carrying around and stroke a baseball bat?  Nah, not too subtle.  This will be up to you.

6.  Convert your sex symbol to Christianity-Ok, so the parents have all been forced to go watch the movie.  And they do not like what they see.  You will frequently run  into complaints such as:  “That guy clearly wants to have sex with my 12 year old daughter!  And that actress he was with posted naked pictures on the internet! What?  Oh…umm I saw it on the news.”  How do you deal with this potential crisis?  Not to worry! Simply convert them to Christianity.  Now, many take the easy way out and just make their sex symbols where purity rings.  This is a mistake.  These days, the purity ring carries about as much weight as saying that you are wearing a ring to never eat again.  No, you will need to do whatever it takes.  Drop them off at a monestary.  Make their fathers become ordained ministers.  Photograph them sipping non alcholic cider at parties.  But them in a room and make them read the Book of Numbers until they have it memorized.  And above all, they must hate foreigners.

So there you have it.  The perfect plan to cash in on the teenaged sex symbol craze.  Of course, it will only last a few years until your star becomes a drug addict and possibly commits suicide.  Until then, milk that money cow’s teats until they dry up.  And then, try it some more, just to make sure you have every last drop.

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