Reading Male Body Language

Posted: March 12, 2009 by kaostheory in Advice
Tags: ,

Alright ladies…and by ladies I mean any reader in possession of female genitalia…dating one doesn’t count. Neither does being a hermaphrodite. Those always weird me out. I mean, when someone says ‘Go fuck yourself’ does that make it physically possible or is one just for show, like ‘Hey check out my sack I shouldn’t have’ or something like that? Curious and curiouser. And now that we’ve derailed this train of thought as if it were in London (ba-ZING), let’s try to recover the wreckage and get back to the topic at hand. Alright ladies. So you want a man? I figured as much. They always do. Even the so-called “lesbians” still ache for a good dicking every now and again. It’s natural. It happens. It’s like playing with a magnet or a light socket and cord or…or a penis and vagina. Wait…

Okay. So you want a man. Well, fasten your seatbelt, missy. We here at DECF are going to help you out by giving you aid in one of the most difficult parts of dating: body language. Since if you’re actually taking advice from a comedy website, we will have to assume for now that you are legally retarded and as such, that means I need to break this down into short, manageable components for you to mentally digest. So, without any further ado, here’s a handy guy to help you interpret what a man is telling you with his body.

Eye Contact: Oh crap! Crap! She caught me staring at her tits. Look innocent, look innocent! Okay, we’ve made eye contact. Awesome. How long do I hold this? Too long? Is it too long? It’s too long isn’t it? Break contact!

Running His Eyes Up and Down Your Figure Once: Hmm. I wonder what color her nipples are.

Running His Eyes Up and Down Your Figure More than Once: Okay, definitely pink.

Appearing Nervous or Jittery: Oh my GOD, why did I have that much to drink? I have to pee so bad…I’m seeing yellow. The world is drowning in a haze of urine. Stupid-ass tiny fucking bladder.

Approaches You: Okay, just go up there and say that you want to put your junk between her asscheeks…wait, no. No. Just say you thought she was hot and had DSLs…wait, no. Just…oh fuck, you’re here. Bullshit it!

Shakes Your Hand: I’ll take a handshake, but I’d rather shake your hand with my dick.

Winks at You From Across the Table: Come on, baby. Let’s plant some doubt in that fertile mind of yours. Yeah, that’s right. I winked. What could it possibly mean? Bwahahaha.

Puts His Arm Around Your Shoulders: I wonder how quickly I’m going to be able to grab something meaningful? Comfort is all well and good but I can’t rub my face in it.

Kisses You Chastely On the Cheek: Turn your face, turn your face…damn it!

Kisses You Chastely On the Mouth Come on, baby, let me show you how I can use my tongue. And not on your tonsils. I mean let me show you on your pussy. Too blatant? Shit. Probably. Bring it down.

Grabs Your Ass: I claim this virgin territory in the name of Dr. Heisenbaum! By which I mean my cock!

Pushes You Against the Doorframe: She’s not resisting? She’s not resisting! Fuck yes!

Lowers You Down to the Bed: Okay…okay, you’re in the final stretch. I swear to God if you cum early, Dr. Heisenbaum, that I will cut you off and feed you to my goldfish.

Begins to Penetrate You: *incomprehensible gibberish*

Takes You From Behind: Which hilarious maneuver should I try now? The Siegfried and Roy? Nah, I have no friends here to do that. The Houdini? Nah, that’s a timing nightmare. The Spiderman? Nah, I don’t want cum in my hand. The Strawberry Shortcake? Nah, I just met her. She probably wouldn’t appreciate me punching her in the face. The Angry Dragon? Nah, she might bite down. The Donkey Punch? Nah, I don’t want to kill her. Put it in her ass? Nah, I don’t want her to kill ME. The Swedish Bronco? Okay, she’s from Pittsburgh. Fuck no on this one. The Carpet Cleaner? Eh, my ties are all way the hell over there. The Flaming Amazon? Nah, that…might get me killed. The Steamboat Captain? Hmmm…

Performs The Steamboat Captain on You: I love you.

Cums and Rolls Over: Bedtime, thank God. See you in the morning.

Is Gone in the Morning: If you don’t get this, you’re a fucking idiot.

I hope this has helped! Remember, don’t let him go up your ass until you have his wallet and ID safely in hand as collateral! Goodnight everyone!

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