How to Snag a Man: Bear Trap Optional

Posted: March 12, 2009 by raybestos in Uncategorized

Hey ladies. Are you single? Do you constantly wind up at home on Friday nights? Has Mr. Right somehow managed to elude you all these years? Well never fear, for I am here to help you on your quest of love.

How can I do this, you ask? Simple. They always say art imitates real life, but I say that it is high time real life start doing the same. That is why I am here today to help give you some lessons in the game of love from the pro’s, by which I mean professional action stars. Let’s get started.

-Dress for Success:

Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, Milla Jovovich in Resident Evil, Kate Beckinsale in Underworld, all three ladies in Charlie’s Angels; what do they all have in common? All sexy ladies of action, and all know how to dress. If you want to make an impression of the male populous, then it is crucial that you know how to dress yourself. It doesn’t matter what your personal style is, either. You can go with the slinky cocktail dress, or the latex catsuit, just make sure that whatever it is, you can fight in it.

-Develop a One-Liner:

There are those who say that nothing is sexier than confidence. Many people in the world, however, are sorely lacking in the confidence department, but you shouldn’t let this stop you. If you have no real self esteem, just make it look like you do. The surest way of accomplishing this is to have some sort of quip you can throw out nonchalantly. The one to watch here is James Bond. Bond is great because no matter what the situation, he always has some little one liner to throw out, especially when talking to ladies (come on, you know you love the “Bond. James Bond” thing). While “your place or mine” doesn’t scream subtle, it does scream confident and is a great place to start while you come up with something better.

-Make Injuries Work for You:

One thing that has always set women action heroes apart from their male counterparts is that they never seem let getting injured ruin their overall hotness. For example, in Die Hard, Bruce Willis goes through some physically painful experiences as he rids an office building of German terrorists, and by the end of the movie, you can tell that that is just what he’s been doing. Rose McGowan in Planet Terror, on the other hand, loses a leg and still manages to make it through the movie being real hot. This might be because her prosthetic leg is in all actuality a gun that she can somehow operate, but regardless, the lesson you should take is to learn how to accessorize for any occasion, even amputation.

-Become Evil:

It is a known fact among men that evil chicks are quantifiably hotter than good chicks. Possibly one of the best examples of this is in the James Bond film GoldenEye. The “Bond girl” in this particular film is the for all intents and purposes useless Natalya. Throughout the film she follows James around, sometimes providing marginal help, but mostly getting in the way and criticizing the master of espionage. Xenia, on the other hand, is a major villain in the film, but also probably the sexiest thing in the movie. Throughout the film, she wears a lot of form-fitting clothing, sometimes leather and flirts with just about every guy; she even kills a guy by having sex with him in order to steal a helicopter. If you want that guy on the other side or the room to be interested, let him know that you can kill people with your sex and steal a helicopter.

-Get Physical:

Alright girls, we’ve made it to this point and nothing has worked so far, so it’s time to get physical, and I don’t mean in the Olivia Newton-John way. If everything up to this point has failed, then the only advise I have left to give you is to make men too afraid to not date you.

It would seem that the most effective way to make men fear you as they would a bear with a chainsaw is through violence. One classic example of this can be seen in the film Scarface: at the end of the film, Tony Montana’s enemies have backed him into a corner, so what does he do? He comes out, both guns blazing and dies in a blaze of glory. While I don’t condone the act of being gunned down in regards to picking up guys, blowing the door open with a grenade before shooting up a few of his closest friends is sure to get his attention.

But maybe some girls aren’t necessarily up for the “firearms as long as my legs” approach. In this case, there is only one action hero you should aspire to be like in the dating world: John Rambo. Rambo has done a great many things that you could emulate in order to secure your man. One brilliant example, stemming from Rambo’s latest fun-filled romp, finds you on the other side of the club from your desired prey. Stealthily sneak up behind his group and then grab the closest member (excluding the target himself). Then, with your hand firmly around your victim’s neck, proceed to rip his or her throat out with your bare hand. If you can not make a man go out with you after that, then you are beyond even my help.

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