Fun Ideas for the Non-Beach Spring Break Crowd

Posted: March 10, 2009 by kaostheory in Informative
Tags: , ,

Hey gang! I know that sometimes life doesn’t always work out the way you expect it and somehow you find yourself not going to Myrtle Beach or Panama City or Cancun or Puerto Vallerta or…Barbados, I don’t know, for Spring Break and you’re stuck by yourself either in your home town or some other place away from all the sex and drugs and alcohol and police and riots and arson and assault charges and rape and rape and rape and kidnapping and rape AND kidnapping and sun and beaches. Thankfully, you have me here to give you some fun little ideas to help brighten up your Spring Break, whether you’re a freshman, a senior or some some creepy-ass forty-year old looking to score some barely legal ass. Take them to heart and try one or ALL of them!

Drinking: Ah yes, the first concept that comes to mind when the words “Spring Break” come up in conversation. So your friends have abandoned your poor ass to fly off to some gorgeous country while you’re stuck playing BINGO with your grandma at the old folks’ home, feeling your soul marinate in the lingering stench of incontinence and impending death. So what? Fuck those losers! So what if they get to get hammered and stare across the Bay of Naples, seeing the lights flash into the Italian sky? You have something more fun. OLD PEOPLE. It’s a scientific fact that past the age of seventy-five, people who are not dead lose all purpose in their lives except that of entertaining you. Here’s a couple ideas of how to make “Grammy Time” a little more exciting.

1. Replace all the IV saline bags with those filled with tequila. That gets the liquor into the bloodstream quicker, leading to more hi-lar-ious misunderstandings with the staff who will scream in fear when old Mr. Harrison grabs onto the ass of an intern and won’t let go, instead just grinding his teeth and moaning.

2. Spike the punch at the first birthday party you see with pure grain alcohol. It’s odorless and tasteless (pfff) and will cause a nice little cascading effect. You’ll get to see which people in their younger days were the mean drunks, the sexual drunks and the depressing drunks. Old Marines will get into fistfights about long-buried quarrels. Grannies will have their pantyhose ripped forcibly from their churro-looking legs as they’re bent over the table, taking a I-8 up their O-74. It’s a laughriot!

3. Once the old people are all nice and liquored up, egg them on with drinking games and wheelchair races. Start a betting pool and make a little extra scratch on the side. You definitely should be creative though. After all, it’s your Spring Break!

Alternatively, if old folks drunk don’t float your boat, you can also buy a handle of Jack, wander around by the high school and offer to bring it to whatever parties they’re considering having. Since they’re underage and most likely don’t have any real contacts, so they will gladly invite you. That way, you’re not lonely AND are likely to score with a naive sixteen-year old who won’t understand the concept behind ass-to-mouth so you can spring it on her to your heart’s content! Spring Break!

Sex: And here’s the other half of the debauchery coin that Spring Break entails. Let me guess. All the bangable pussy in your college/town has migrated either south or north (depending on your location) and has left you all alone with your left hand, a bottle of hotel body lotion and thirteen websites opened up to various kinds of porn, creating a global environment for you to blow off your white ambassadors to. First off, let yourself enjoy it! Dance around the room, bare-ass naked! Rub your junk all up on your roommate’s door handle! Go nuts! Once that novelty wears off, which it soon will, here are a few suggested places to get your fuck on.

1. Bookstores. Go to your local bookstore and just browse the sex and relationships section (maybe actually learning something) until you come across the best possible target you can find there: the Soccer Mom. Yes, the Soccer Mom. She’s in her mid-thirties, maybe even early forties, but she still carries herself well. Breast implants are likely. In any case, you need to make a move quickly. If they are IN the section you’re in, they are understandably skittish and probably haven’t had their fields plowed in a while. Slowly go up to them and casually start up a conversation about the book they are holding – or one nearby. Mention, once involved, that you know she has a fulfilling life but that you have to mention she’s still beautiful, even though her husband may not touch her as much as he used to. You’re either going to get slapped or she’ll start crying. If she cries, you’re in the clear. Lead her gently to the unoccupied children’s section, offering comfort all the way. Win her over with soft words and gentle flirtation. Then put it in her ass right on top of Clifford the Big Red Dog. Mission accomplished.

2. Grocery stores. Same deal here. Soccer moms with unfulfilled fantasies. Make an unfunny joke about melons and let it go from there. Be warned: if she starts trying to bring in ketchup for lube, run like hell. You WILL forget and WILL think it’s blood. Save yourself the coronary arrest.

3. Parks. This one is either a total win or total lose scenario. The women you will find in the park will be either single moms – not even soccer at this point – and needing attention (note: play with the kid…but not PLAY with the kid) or will be girls in the same situation you’re in: left at home by their friends, lonely and will be running to choke down the bitter tears of rejection and pain they feel. If you aim for the single mom, be sure to talk to her child and maybe buy the little bastard some ice cream or a balloon. Show you’d be a capable, wonderful father and she’ll be putty in your sleazy, sleazy hands. Win her over, make a date with her…hell, hire the fucking babysitter. She will be all over you all night, just because you’re letting her feel like a normal woman again. That’s when you take her back to YOUR place and slowly ravish her with all the attention a single mom deserves. Ah who am I kidding? You bang her like a screen door in a hurricane in a small little hotel room right off the highway, drive her back to her place and give her a fake number. YOU know the score. If you go for the other girl, though, this one’s tricky. She’ll immediately pick up on your signals so be honest with her. You don’t want anything other than a few days of random sex to burn away the pain of your fiancee leaving you at the altar for your best man who happens to be your brother the day after your dog of seventeen years dies of cancer and that maybe, just maybe, you’d be willing to love again if you find the right person and that you feel safe talking to her already. Then blush and look embarrassed. Take it from there, slick!

And there you have it! There’s nothing saying you have to have a bad time just because your asshole friends abandon you! Take my advice and you’ll be seeing drunk old people fuck and fear for a soccer mom’s anal integrity in no time! Have fun, kids!

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