The Five Most Inappropriate (Theoretical) Children’s Toys of All Time

Posted: March 5, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

Everyone has favorite toys from childhood.  They can burn into our memories and still cause deeply rooted feelings of nostalgia to creep forward every time we think of them.  Of course, that is if they are done right.  Some children’s toys have been done terribly, terribly wrong.  Recently, I was looking for a gift for my young cousin, and could not believe some of the toys they are selling our nations kids today.  See if you can read about these without becoming violently ill.

The Spongebob Squarepants Bite-Down Stick-Tired of your child fearing their next spanking? Well, now, they need never worry again!  The Spongebob Squarepants bite down stick makes punishment fun.  The harder they bite down, the wackier the adventures get!  Spongebob says all sorts of fun phrases, including, “Let’s have fun together!”  and “I’m ready.  I’m ready.”  With all the fun, your kid will look forward to their next spanking!  And coming soon: The Spongebob Squarepants ball gag.

The Jeffrey Dahmer EZ Bake Oven: Tired of those pastry treats that the regular EZ bake oven makes?  Now, you can make fun, exciting meat products with the new Jeffrey Dahmer EZ Bake Oven.  Just skin the mini people, pop the skin in the oven, and viola!  Hours of meaty goodness.  Comes with an acid vat to take care of those troublesome bones.  Be the talk of your neighborhood with the Jeffrey Dahmer EZ Bake oven!
Long Dong  Silver-The Anatomically Correct Doll-Not only is Long Dong Silver fun, but educational!  Complete in every single aspect, Long Dong Silver makes biology fun.  Says all sort so fun phrases, including “Shiver me Timbers” and “Right like that, wench.”  Plus, its a fun toy for Mommy too.  Everyone wants Long Dong…..Silver.  Pants sold seperately, batteries not included.

Crack Whore Barbie-Tired of the superficial Barbie in her dream car?  Want to see a real Barbe?  Well, look out, cuz here comes Barbie the crack whore!  Now you can guide Barbie through the tough streets as she avoids her pimp and attempts to do tricks to score hard drugs!  This Barbie contains more joints than ever before, to help put her in those perfect positions to please her johns.  And her little sister Skipper gets in on the action too!  Help Skipper escape her Thai captors and return home safely.  The job is tough.  But Barbie’s just the girl for the job!

The Do It Yourself Crucifixion Kit-Parents!  Want to teach your children a good moral lesson?  Tired of all the toys that just smack of commercialism while taking you away from the true word of the Lord?  Well, teach your children about the sacrifice of Christ with the new Do It Yourself Crucifixion Kit.  Thrill as your children reenact the final moments of our Lord and Savior. Wonder as your child goes through endless pain and suffering to be just like Jesus! They will remember it for all time.  Fun for all ages!  Parental Supervision Recommended

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