Combating Your Inner Pervert

Posted: March 4, 2009 by kaostheory in Advice
Tags: , ,

If you are reading this and are a male, then the odds are pretty good that you’re a filthy pervert. Hey, I’m not judging. We all are in our own ways. I mean, I just saw a warning label on a can of honey roasted peanuts that says “Choking Hazard: Do not give nuts to children under 6” and mentally translated it as “Don’t let your toddler gargle balls” which sent me into laughing fits so fierce I fear I may have shattered one of my ribs.

Anywho, since you’re a damn, dirty ape-like person like me, I figure that you might be in need of some assistance in controlling – or at very least putting a mental block on – your inner pervert. Not that part that giggles at “That’s what she said” jokes or titters at…well…”titters” (which I swear to God sounds like a European version of Hooters). It’s that part that springs unbidden to the forefront of your mind every time a girl bends over and you see either chest or ass cleavage. It’s that part that makes you picture doing vile things to good people. In short, it’s the pervert that makes you male (or maybe even female, I don’t know…I’m just estimating here). And I’m here to give you a few hints on how to maneuver around the pervert within.

Situation: An attractive girl in your music class smiles at you.
First Thought: “Man, I’d like to bend her over the piano and bang HER C flat.”
Rewind: “What a pleasant young lady. She must be having a good day.”
Compromise: “I wonder if she takes anal…”

Situation: A freshman that you are technically the teacher of takes an interest in you.
First Thought: “Hmm…cue Stephen Lynch’s “Mixer at Delta Chi”.”
Rewind: “I can’t possibly do anything with her. It would be unethical.”
Compromise: “How many licks does it take to the center of her nervous system?”

Situation: Your professor is astoundingly hot and wears inappropriately short skirts.
First Thought: “I wonder if I could slip her my ‘Bic’?”
Rewind: “She’s your teacher. Cool it, Rover.”
Compromise: “Frotteurism isn’t out, is it?”

Situation: Your friend has an attractive mother. Beware this one.
First Thought: “So, that’s where he came out…maybe I could come IN?”
Rewind: “Dude…that’s his mom. Creepy.”
Compromise: “Yeah? Well, your mom likes it rough from behind with a lamp base! Ask me how I know!”

Situation: A famous actress gets her tits out on-screen.
First Thought: “Hot damn! I was waiting for that. Finally, my wet prayers have been answered.”
Rewind: “I hope she was paid handsomely for that…”
Compromise: “Okay…so that was 1:07:39 in…”

Situation: Two pretty girls are inching towards a catfight.
First Thought: “I hope they make out…”
Rewind: “I hope nobody gets hurt!”
Compromise: “I hope they make out…with their crotches.”

Situation: A girl at a party dances all up ons you balls.
First Thought: “Yeah, that’s it. Get the motor running.”
Rewind: “Oh God! Bad moon rising! Danger! Get out of here!”
Compromise: “I wonder if I could unzip my pants just with my dick…”

Situation: While swimming, an attractive girl gets out of the pool.
First Thought: “So many wet jokes, so little time…”
Rewind: “She certainly does look like she works out, huh?”
Compromise: “Hey baby, why don’t we get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry ‘fucking me’?”

Situation: You are on an elevator alone with an attractive girl.
First Thought: “Please stop, please stop, please for the love of erections let the elevator stop.”
Rewind: “She’s very pretty. I should ask for her number. Or maybe not.”
Compromise: “Okay, the total time between slamming the elevator stop button and jumping on her is…damn it, think, man, think! Timing is crucial.”

Situation: A hot prospective student is touring campus with her parents.
First Thought: “We should see how fast we can get her to go from zero to drunk…”
Rewind: “Ah, cool. Maybe a new student. I hope she comes her. She could be fun to get to know.”
Compromise: “Hello, I’m Skylar Ohio State University…wait, shit!”

Situation: A beautiful woman comes up to you, strips off all her clothes and, while standing before you in all her bronzed, naked glory, gasps out (near the peak of orgasm already), “Take me! Take me you lusty stallion!”
First Thought: “…wait, WHAT?”
Rewind: “WHAT??”
Compromise: “10-7? How the FUCK did they let that touchdown get past them? Fucking choke artists! Hey, who’s the naked chick?”

I hope these have helped you out as much as they have helped me out in my time of need many a…uh…time. Just remember, sodomy is no longer illegal in any state as of 2003, so feel free to traverse new territory when given the chance!

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