Understanding Fan-boys

Posted: March 3, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Hello everyone.  I decided to take a break from my usual Rupert the Drunk Adventures and instead focus on shamelessly ripping off my colleague, kaostheory.  At first I wanted to do a story on interpreting text messages, but someone beat me too it.  Instead, I decided to examine five popular levels of “fan boy.”  People become fans for many reasons.  They see a film a hear a piece of music that perfectly illustrates their feelings about the world.  Or maybe it’s just an excuse to stay in the basement that much longer.  So, here are the so-called “reasons” to become a fan boy and what they actually mean. Oh, and please note, I fall under some of these categories, (except Twilight obviously)  so don’t spam my email.

The Star Wars Fan
What they say: George Lucas has created a universe that could not be contained into the mere realm of film but had to expand elsewhere.  Anyone can participate in this realm.  Also, the force is the true guiding light of the universe.

What it Means: I have absolutely no creativity but desperately want to become a writer.  Also,  I am suffering a severe crisis of theology.

There is perhaps more fan fiction based around the Star Wars Universe than any other.  These people cannot admit that they are just to lazy to come up with their own ideas.  What is even sadder is when some of this fiction is even better than the prequels (like KOTOR).  So, not only are those people more talented than George Lucas, they are in such denial that to admit it would be a smite in the face to their god.  Also, I don’t care how hard you squint, there is no magical thing in the universe that will make your pencil move across your desk.

The Star Trek Fan
What they say: Forget that pansy Luke Skywalker.  Captain Picard’s where it’s at.  Also, William Shatner is the sexiest man in history, and phasers will soon become the weapon of the future.

What it means: The space above my basement is a very scary and mystical world.  Also, I am so easily amused that I worship a show that could have been shot in my garage and am willing to believe that William Shatner is a good actor.

Yea, I would say that the Star Trek fan is an even sadder thing than the Star Wars fan.  First and foremost, they argue about the talent of the actors involved when, in reality, they are forever stuck to the B-list and depend on Sci-Fi Convention appearances for income.  Seriously, can someone name another thing William Shatner has done?  No?  Didn’t think so.  Oh, and has anyone actually watched the original show?  I have seen shows put on by the kindergarten class that have more subtelty and a much  better wardrobe department.

The Anime Fan
What they say: I am so sick of that rigid western animation.  It all looks like garbage and depends too much on celebrity.

What it Means: Facial expressions on characters mean nothing to me.  Neither do plots.  In fact, the characters don’t have to move at all.

OK, OK, there is some anime that is actually well animated.  But that tends to be the exception rather than the norm.  Most of them tend stand creepily still and never blink, as though they are stuck in the world’s longest staring contest.  Also, has anyone actually looked at the plots?  I have heard of one in which problems were solved to due a roller skating contest.  Seriously.  Please, for the love of god, go read a book. Speaking of which…..

The Twilight Fan
What they say: This is the most beautiful romance story ever written.  The characters sacrifice everything for love!  I love Edward!

What it means: The high school football captain really loves me! He just never wanted to admit it.  I am emotionally dead inside.  Also, Hot Topic still has good clothes

The Twilight fan base is quickly becoming one of the most annoying fan bases in existence.  Like the Star Trek fans, they pride themselves on finding meaning where there is none.  It’s Mormon propaganda about how abstinence is a good thing!  Seriously, that’s it.  Oh, and vampires are not supposed to sparkle and play baseball.  They are supposed to drink blood and have sex with things that no one is supposed to have sex with.  Of course, there is still a problem when vampires do what they are supposed to do….

The Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fan
What they say: Joss Whedon is nothing short of Apollo leading us to the promised land!  His writings are the best ever done for TV.  James Marsters is the sexiest man alive.

What it means:  My literary capacity is so underdeveloped that even comic books are too complex.

Seriously, this is the best comic book ever on TV.  And I don’t take that as a comic book.  Although Alan Moore may have you thinking differently, comic books are seriously dumb ways to pass the time.  There is so much going on with so little explained that it’s all for nothing.   And subtelty has been so far removed that every sentence must end in an exclamation point.  This show is no different.  And ladies, I am sorry, but James Marsters is old enough to be your father.  This is getting into the sort of Oedipian complex that I am not touching with a ten foot pole.

So that’s it.  I will probably deconstruct more fan bases in the future.  I’m coming for you, Family Guy Fans!

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