Profiles in Online Dating: Part 2

Posted: March 3, 2009 by kaostheory in Informative

Alrighty, ladies and gents. Welcome back to the second half of our explanation of the various characters lurking in the swamp of loneliness known as online dating. As you recall from yesterday, many different people inhabit this cave, fighting over who gets to make fire or who has to go wrestle the saber-toothed tiger to death in order to provide teeth for spears for the tribe to go hunt down mammoths for food and hides to get them through the long winter even though the young ones may not survive the first cold snap and…I think this metaphor may have careened just a tad off-center. Mea culpa. To get back on track, this entry is going to finish the last part of the profiles commonly found in online dating…also known as…um…Profiles in Online Dating. Yeah, that…sentence structure didn’t work as well as I had thought. Just…just let’s do this.

The Foreigner: The Foreigner is a curious breed of online daterbait. It falls into both a male and a female category. The male is typically Middle Eastern or Indian, swarthy and TYPES with a thick accent. He may or may not try to haggle with attractive females in order to convince them to barter away their virginity/freedom for oil farms or livestock. Call this racist hyperbole if you must, but I’m not kidding about this. I have friends who have had these men flirt uncomfortably with them in order to get them as a third bride. The women, on the other hand, are almost ALWAYS Russian, Hungarian or Swedish and are almost always looking to get a green card. They will randomly message a guy and flirt with him without mercy. They of course must be tall, blond and more stacked than a Jenga tower too. Not coincidentally, The Foreigner is oftentimes part of this next persona.

The Spambot: Ah yes, The Spambot. The bane of an online dater’s existence. Imagine, if you will, waking up cold and alone one bright winter morning, the promise of the new day dampened by the presence of that damnable morning wood and there’s not a…pardon the pun…fucking thing you can do about it. Frustrated, you open your web browser, curious as to what prospects have unearthed themselves on your OKCupid or PlentyofFish account. There is a message! Oh wonderful day! Let us see what new joy this email contains. Her name is Svelga. Very foreign. Hot. And she wants to play Swedish pocket hockey. You are intrigued. You continue to scroll, her impressively large breasts a constant reminder of your luck as a person. Then…you see the link. Followed by the plea for a credit card number. SON OF A BITCH! Foiled again…suckered in by the promise of Eastern European arsch. Dejected, you close the window, opting instead for some “solitaire” with your “Ace of Spades”. No, that’s not a Motorhead reference. And that, friends, is The Spambot.

The Artiste: And we’ve reached The Artiste. You know this one. The guy or girl who doesn’t find it necessary to try to explain all the positive aspects of their personality to, you know, try to attract someone to mate with. No, they instead choose to focus on how different and unique they are, as opposed to the rest of us sheep. They are special little snowflakes who fart beauty and ejaculate tomes of fine literature. They dress all in black to show that color cannot escape that which does not exist in the colored world. I don’t know. It makes no sense to me either. The best way to interact with this particular persona is just to try to engage them on a nice middle ground. No discussion of Sartre, no discussion of the San Diego Padres. Just plain old conversation. Oh, about puppies of course. Artistes friggin’ love puppies.

The “I’m Not Fat”: I’m going to try to address this one as delicately as I can, simply because I’m scared of being eaten. Wait. Damnit. Okay, bad start. Let me try again. The “I’m Not Fat” persona is one that is inimitably sad, because it is an exercise in self-delusion. If you have seen any pictures circulating out there on the ‘Net, you must surely have seen the photo albums that exist. You know the ones. The pictures that are either shot from above to give a gratuitous cleavage shot, the pictures taken of an admittedly cute face, but none below the shoulders…the shots that seek to conceal some personal shame. Unfortunately, these ladies are ashamed of their Rubenesque figures, which is unfair to them. Many men in fact embrace the larger women and should be pursued. I mean, I personally am not one of them, but others ARE. The problem with this one is that those pictures, while certainly accentuating very positive assets, also offer no escape clause. If a guy goes out with a girl and she is fifty pounds heavier than her picture showed, he may be okay with it, but he also may be betrayed and terrified of being consumed…DAMN it. I’m going to stop while I’m ahead on this one.

The Not a Chance in Hell: This one is short and to the point. Sometimes in one’s travails, one comes across a person on a dating site that is so utterly repellent, so unattractive – both personality and physical -that the only mental response is “Oh God…Oh God no. No, please…if there be any mercy in the world, let them just slide by without noticing me”. Of course, Murphy’s Law being what it is, that very moment is when they will message you or IM you, incredibly intrigued in your profile or hopelessly in love with you. This puts you in a bind…what to do? Ignore? Respond? What to DO? The best bet you have is to be friendly but not too friendly…conversational without offering any personal information of your own…and DAMN sure don’t ask questions. Asking questions is the Kiss of Death, because it suggests interest…which is “danger, danger” level right there. It’s almost like talking to a man with a bomb strapped to his chest. Don’t provoke him and get the hell away as fast as you can. Words to live by.

The Uber-Christian: On another level on the sites are The Uber-Christians. While I myself am Christian and proud of it, these profiles tend to lean towards religious mania. They make very evident how dedicated they are to their faith and that nothing will sway them from that. Respectable, of course. However, the more profiles you read, the more you get the sense that just perhaps they may love Jesus a bit TOO much. Like…want his children too much. Of course, they will never do anything before marriage, which makes one wonder just what the bloody hell they are doing on a dating website anyways? Do they not KNOW the purpose of the online dating world? It is solely designed to hook up lonely people and give them a chance to slap uglies with another lonely person. If they’re lucky, it may result in something more…like a relationship or a pregnancy. The Uber-Christian is in fact more naive about the online dating hell than The Innocentia, a horrible saddening fact. If you come across one of these, be gentle…they need it.

The Retard: On the flip side from the last one are The Retards. If you have read my epic article “Interpreting Text Messages for Dummies”, you know all there is to know about The Retard on the dating site. Their profiles are jumbled, interspersed with “lols” and “omgzes” and “kitty faces” or whatever the fuck “^_^” is. It’s a freaking CARROT on either side of an underscore. It’s not a face! If you come across one of these abortions cluttering up a dating site, you have my permission to destroy their spirits and let them know that, in fact, they will not find love, even online and would be better suited to gargling with a .45 bullet. Unfortunately, you will be flooded with “lols” to the point of utter insanity, in which case you have gotten too far in. Your poor bastard. You have been warned!

The “Friend”: Definitely one of the most irritating of all the online dating people, The “Friend” is just that. He or she is only interested in making connections and getting to know new people. They are already in a committed relationship – a fact they flaunt about like a damn diamond ring – and aren’t interested in flirting or anything of that sort. But gosh golly fuck they are sure happy to get to know people! Because new people are fun and exciting and even though they may want to pursue something deeper and more meaningful, the relationship that they’re currently in is soooooooooooo satisfying and mutually beneficial. They couldn’t possibly dream of anything better. So good luck you slobs! You can make a “friend”. Isn’t that great? *puke*

The Hot Girl: The rarest of the rare. The actually attractive girl on a dating site is kind of like a unicorn in the wild. Except the unicorn was thrown in the middle of the Serengeti with ravenous lions in heat, monkeys who throw their own shit and retarded hyenas. The Hot Girl is 99.9% of the time already taken and is just dipping her toe in to see what there is. Unfortunately, the horde is so starved for attractiveness that they will overwhelm her gentle spirit and consume what goodwill she brought to the place. It’s either that or she’s a total raging bitch that takes a selfish, sadistic pleasure in toying with guys then throwing them away. Whore.

The Fresh Meat: The Fresh Meat is basically The Innocentia, except they can be of any age range and are just interested in talking to anyone. They are usually lonely and can be mentally pictured as the people sitting and drinking coffee alone in Starbucks on Tuesday evenings. There’s really nothing more to say about this persona. It’s very…boring.

The “Oh Shit, I Know You”: And finally, the clear-cut most disturbing profile on any online dating site is The “Oh Shit, I Know You” profile. It is EXACTLY what it sounds like. It is someone that you know either from work or from school, someone who you may have viewed as socially capable and gregarious and always happy…and they will always be degrading themselves, begging for scraps like a dog at a dinner table. And when you see them the next day at work or school, the only thought that goes through your head is “Hey…they’re just as pathetic as I am”…and that is soul-crushing.

Well, I hope these sessions have helped prepare you for the horrifyingly complex world of online dating. Best of luck and please, for the good of humanity, try not to breed with them.

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