Profiles in Online Dating: Part 1

Posted: March 2, 2009 by kaostheory in Informative

Hello again everyone. Yes, the title of this article is designed specifically to get unknowing traffic from Google searches but you know what? I am totally willing to take any traffic I can get at this point. Anyhoo, today’s topic du jour…um…wait, that means the same…you know what, forget it. Today – or tonight rather – we are discussing the wide, horrifying world of online dating. Yes, online dating. That last bastian of hope for those too socially awkward or too socially unacceptable to try actual dating in public. And before you ask, YES, I’m on a site. Shut it. Anyways, we’ll set aside all the rules and regulations and accepted practices commonly associated with dating because quite frankly, those serve no purpose here in Dating Hell. Instead, we are going to be focusing on those individuals you may come across in your travels ‘cross the barren landscape. I call these Profiles in Online Dating. And here…we…go.

The Innocentia: This first persona found on dating sites is ultimately the most tragic. The Innocentia is always an eighteen or maybe even nineteen-year old girl who is just fresh out of high school, still wet-behind-the-ears and ready to take on the world of dating. Her high school boyfriend is beneath her now and the only thing she can say is that he’s an asshole, even if he wasn’t. She has to be appear cool! She’s in college now and college boys are so more mature. And where can you find college boys? Why, on the Internet of course! Unfortunately, this poor girl is in for a rude awakening when she hits the dating sites. That layer of youthful exuberance will be quickly stripped away, leaving behind a bitter, depressing shade of what once was prime real estate.

The Roman Polanski: The Roman Polanski is any single male on a dating site from ages 40 and up. He will fill his profile with pictures of his car, his beach house, and maybe even his childen. He will talk about his job and how much money he makes, just itching to get some attention. Generally, at least, The Polanski will only message The Innocentia. This is in hopes of scoring a few hits of that sweet, sweet, barely legal poontang. Of course, 99% of The Polanskis will get shut down immediately due to being old, wrinkly and vaguely incestual. However, the 1% that DO succeed only do so because they offer money to the girls – enough to obscure their graying pubic hair with flashing gold cards and green paper. Occasionally, The Polanski will send cursory emails to The Cougar, since his overtures towards The Innocentia are usually met with disgust and fear.

The Cougar: The female version of The Polanski. The Cougar is dedicated to still feeling young and sexy or, barring that, feeling up a young man that’s sexy. The Cougar is oftentimes recently divorced and back on the, forgive the pun, prowl for hot college cock. This persona has been the basis for many a sleazy pornographic movie. However, the real life implementation of such is much more…ungratifying. The real life Cougar is usually 40 and up, dresses like she’s 20 and fucks like she’s 60. Plastic surgery is in abudance in Cougar territory and they are not above scouring the bars for drunk frat boys begging for anything to stick their dick in. Be warned. The Cougar also becomes fiercely territorial, so if you make contact with one, either make it clear you are uninterested in a relationship – even sexually – and if you ignore that advice, make damn sure she doesn’t find out you’ve been seeing other girls on the side. The results could be fatal. I’m not kidding.

The Creeper: This persona is one of the most unsettling out there in the online dating world, mainly because he has no distinct form. He can come in any size, shape or form, but will always end up the same. The Creeper typically starts out comfortably enough. He finds a girl or two he likes and messages them, occasionally getting results. The problem comes when conversation with a girl becomes extended and he starts to get very personal, very quick. He begins to ask things like “So do you shave?” and “So when should I pick you up? and “Do you want to meet my cats?” or other things of that nature. It escalates when the girl, understandably creeped out, stops talking to him. The Creeper can then take one of two forms: The Persistent Creeper or The Malevolent Creeper. The Persistent Creeper is more annoying as a whole, but less dangerous. The PC will constantly IM her or message her, begging for attention until she either blocks him or blows up at him in a scared, angry tirade designed to crush man’s spirit. The MC, on the other hand, is much more of a problem. He will start forum topics trashing the girl, he will angrily email her and call her vile names and will just generally become singularly dedicated to destroying her reputation. The Creeper, then, is very close to the epitome of unstable.

The Janus: What an unsettling persona this is. A couple – probably not married, but if married, then it’s an “open marriage” – signs up for a profile, seeking to draft a helpless, sexually confused Innocentia into their quickly crumbling relationship. While what they/it says is that they are trying to experiment with a third person, they/it in fact mean/s that either the man is getting bored with the female and she’s trying everything she can to hold on to him, even pacifying him with some new ass…or the woman is in fact a lesbian and the man is trying to hold onto her as much as he can by doing the same thing. The Januses (Janii?) are an unnerving trend that seems to be creeping into dating sites more and more. Don’t be fooled. A dual profile means dangerous drama afoot.

The Single Mom” Oh God. Where to start with this one? Most people, especially those that use dating sites, are generally pretty wary of anything that could complicate an online relationship, whether it be a real life partner, a mental problem or especially a child. The Single Mom is almost ALWAYS in her early twenties, probably newly divorced and is very adamant about saying A)that her child/ren is/are the most important thing/s in her world and if you don’t like it, suck one AND/OR B)that she isn’t looking for a baby daddy so please don’t be scared off by the fact she has bred. Unfortunately, there are some problems with this. First off, the poor child is almost always dragged into the profile, either as a picture to show what a great mommy she is or just having her name mentioned like Brookklynn or some other shit like that to show how unique the mommy is. Secondly, while it is admirable that they mention the child as a part of their life in the profile (I can guaran-fucking-tee that if I were to go on a date and wasn’t told she had children, I’d immediately be on my guard), the fact is that even though she may say she doesn’t want a baby daddy, every guy with half a brain will realize that she very badly wants her child to grow up with a father and as such is looking to replace the bastard that left her with the crotch spawn. This is, to say the least, off-putting. Finally and most shallowly, the presence of a kid removes the mental ability of the guy to say “Yeah, I was the first one here”. Even though it may not – usually isn’t – the truth, that ability to fool ourselves is what allows guys not to freak out and run. The child just destroys that.

The “Bisexual”: Most often female, The “Bisexual” puts very clearly on her profile – in no uncertain language – that men are NOT welcome to message her and any attempts to do so will be met with nasty comments and no further response. This particular one bothers me a lot because it comes across as unnecessarily aggressive. The “Bisexual” is obviously only interested in women to further explore the murky waters of what they define as their sexuality. Of course, that doesn’t stop many of The “Bisexuals” from getting into relationships with men while still maintaining their “independence” as a woman with her free sexual choices. Avoid contact with this one if you have a penis, because they definitely don’t want to talk to you, even though they want your dick.

The Strong Woman: Somewhat of an offshoot of The “Bisexual”, this persona throws away the ambiguous sexuality while still maintaining the aggressive outlook. The Strong Woman makes it clear that she don’t need no man. She is strong, she is independent and she can fend for herself. And you know what, dammit? Any man that has a problem with that can just keep on walkin’ because she don’t need no drama for herself. You know what I sayin’? *head bob* Umm…sorry about that. Got a little too far into character. The case is, though, that The Strong Woman is so dedicated to making everyone know that she is strong and doesn’t need a man that it becomes very obvious after a while that she is horribly lonely and really wants nothing more than to have a man to take care of her. Vulnerability masked in aggressiveness. That’s a winning combo right there, let me tell you.

The Guido: Oh good, this guy. Gotta love him. Arrogant, misogynistic, tan, fratty. Douchebag. The Guido is more concerned with looking like a hardass mufuggah than actually attracting anyone. He’s insulting and degrading. He’s loud and obnoxious and will taunt girls who ignore him and guys that despise him. And yet, for some utterly infuriating reason, he gets some primo tail. The world isn’t fucking fair, I tell you. This annoys me too much. Let’s just move on.

Well, ladies and gents, that’s all we have time for today. Stop by tomorrow to see the last part of our list, which includes:
The Foreigner
The Spambot
The Artiste
The “I’m Not Fat”
The Not a Chance in Hell
The Uber-Christian
The Retard

Just remember, never give out your credit card numbers…unless it’s to us.

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