Archive for March, 2009

Rupert the Drunk: April Fool’s Day Edition

Posted: March 31, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

From the depths of the bottle came one man inspired to do the most random things while slowly becoming smashed. To add insult to injury, he decided to track his progress. This man is named Rupert. These are his adventures:

Rupert Writes a Term Paper
1 min-OK, I can’t goof around tonight.  I need to work on a term  paper for politics class.  And the topic is…..ah, the European Union.  No problem

5 min-You know, JSTOR really is great.  I can find so much great stuff here.  OK, here are some articles I need.

15 min-well, I got some articles I need, I got notes from my research.  I am ready to go.

35 min-OK, I got the introduction done.  Yea, I probably shouldn’t have waited until the last minute to do this.

45 min-Oh come on, now someone wants to facebook chat?  Now?  Dammit.

1 hr- OK, I have a page done.  Wow.  I think I need a Coke.

1 hr 10 minutes-that’s it, facebook chat is going off

1 hr 20 minutes-You know, once you get into this, this isn’t nearly so bad.

1 hr 45 minutes-I am…so…tired.  Why does the European Union even have to exist?!  Why?  What have I done to deserve this fate?

2 hr-OK, about halfway through.  Actually, a little over.  That’s great.  I will finish this in no…hold up.

Editor’s Note: At this point, Rupert’s phone rang, and Rupert found himself engaged in a conversation with his friend William.

2 hr 2 min-What?  No, I can’t.  I told you, I have to finish this paper.  Yes, I know that it’s great Chinese food, but come on!  What?  No, you, sir, are the fag.

2 hr 7 min-Finally, that bastard shut up.  Now to keep going.

2 hr 30 min-I find my Itunes library helps me.  I have this great play list that I made for papers.  There’s some good stuff on there.  You know, we got Boston, The Eagles,….Melissa Etheredge?  What the hell? I swear I didn’t put that on there.

2 hr 45 min-OK, seriously, this is just upsetting.

3 hr 15 minutes-OK, I am just going to ask for an extension tomorrow.  This is ridiculous.

Editor’s Note: At this point, Rupert saved the paper to his hard drive and went to bed.

A guide to Video Game Addictions

Posted: March 24, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

The first step to solving your problem is admitting you have a problem.  That has been the statement of every single recovery group in the world.  Well, this works with drugs and alcohol, but what about the biggest problem facing America today?  I am, of course, talkinga about video games.  The biggest problem with this disastrous addiction is that no one is really sure when they have had “too much.” Well, I am here to sort out this dire problem.  Here are sure tell signs you are playing too much off a certain game.

You know you are playing too much Mario if…
you stomp on random turtles and then wonder why you don’t score points.

-you demand all of your plumbers be fat, Italian, and impossible to understand.

-you keep changing addresses on the grounds that “the princess is in another castle.”

-you eat mushrooms expecting to gain life or, at the very least, height.

-You insist your brother wear green and your other brother wear purple.

You know you are playing too much Guitar Hero if

-you think a band sucks because you have yet to beat their song on “expert.”

-you dress up to play with a fisher price toy.

-you have used that music creation program on World Tour.  Loser.

-if you have yet to realize it’s all just karaoke.

-if you believe Joe Satriani to be a noob because he has yet to beat your top score.

You know you are playing too much Grand Theft Auto if

-you know all of the Love Fist lyrics

-you seriously have contemplated the murder of Jack Thompson (ok, maybe this isn’t a sign)

-you have referred to pedestrians as a “burden on society.”

-you believe that Candy Suxx is the greatest porn star in history

-you think that Brucie wasn’t a complete loser

You know you are playing too much Halo if

-you replay levels just to pretend you can hear Ron Perlman’s voice.

-you are planning a trip to Mombassa, just so you can find all the sniper’s nests.

-you plan your gun purchases around what frags noobs the best.

-others are prepared for the zombie apocalypse. You are prepared for the Flood landing on Earth.

-You can  no longer speak in any language except in leet speak and vulgar, vulgar swearing.

You know you are playing to much Fallout if

you refuse to use water fountains as you are worried about your radiation level.

-when you go to the store, you are worried about becoming “over encumbered” and thus reduce your purchases to the bare minimum.

-You believe mole rats will become our lords and masters.

-You have tried to use bottle caps to make purchases.

-two headed cows totally turn you on.

You know you play too much Resident Evil if

you constantly expect action films to be filmed from directly behind the main character’s shoulder.

-you have asked “Barry, where’s Barry?” and then wondered why your ass got kicked.

-you believe no door can be opened without first figuring out an overtly complex puzzle.

-if  you have honestly tried to defend the films anywhere at anytime.

-if Jill Valentine turns you on.

If you exhibit any of these symptoms, please seek help immediately

9 words men need to know…Decoding women’s words

Posted: March 24, 2009 by wakenbake in Advice

I was stumbling in my English class and I had stumbled upon this bit of information that everyone should be aware of especially guys.

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the football before helping around the house.

3. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

4. A Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer quickly to No 9 for the meaning of nothing.)

5. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

6. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’, which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ – that will bring on No. 7).

7. Whatever: This will be said in a nonchalant manner, Is a woman’s way of saying, “FUCK YOU!”

8. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to No. 4.

9. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in “Fine”.

The Georgia Tech Effect…with women

Posted: March 24, 2009 by wakenbake in Uncategorized

Georgia Tech Effect. hansag-awkward-prom1

I’m 19 and I’m a PC…Damn it!

Posted: March 23, 2009 by wakenbake in Rants, Slice of Life

“I just made a 3D slideshow with interactive modeling and wrote 3 computer programs…I’m 3 ½ and I’m a PC.”….well you know what….Fuck you, I’m 19 years old and I can drive a car…what now bitch? While you’re writing programs and shit I’m off driving…drunk…or going to get drunk….but actually that’s shit’s depressing that a fuckin 3 and ½ year old can do shit like that. Damn kids and there fuckin advancements with technology….3 and ½ years old should be watching fucking SpongeBob or whatever not programming. What were the parents like “well we could let him watch SpongeBob… Fuck that let’s make sure that they have no social skills and will most like never get laid….now what can we do to make sure of that….hmmmm…..I GOT IT COMPUTER PROGRAMING!!!!” That’s a sign that your parents hate you. I would never do that to my child…I would teach him how to roll.

The World on Two Bottles of Wine

Posted: March 22, 2009 by kaostheory in Slice of Life

Some articles require in-depth research in order to properly mine an appropriate joke. Some articles require pithy observations on life to create mirth. Some articles require dropping to new depths of vulgarity to shock and awe. And then there are those articles that erupt as Athena from the forehead of Zeus due to…well, just being a drunk sumbitch. This…is one of those. What follows are actual thoughts from wine-drunk Aaron. Beware.

You goddamn Sixer. I scores.

I am overestimating my oral sex skills. I believe I would be stellar. This is probably not so.

I would pay for a Dizzy Gillespie trumpet but I\’m pretty sure those are custom made.

I’m tough. Like a fucking GI Joe.

Yay wine bottles. Very yay drunk. Awesomeness.

Ohshit. Moving to merlot straight from the bottle.

There is a noise outside. It sounds as if giant flutes are being blown by the wind blown by the wind and when I go there I go there with you it’s all I can do fuck yeah U2 even though fuck Bono’s Irish douchey ass.

Wine bottles are like beer except more fruity and in bigger sizes. Fucking FACT there.

Chugging wine out of the bottle makes me feel like…I ‘unno…Clive Owen. Or a wino. Don’t know which.

Aggressive chicks = Boner City…referring, of course, to the waitress at Dick’s in Myrtle Beach, SC.

Mouth tastes weird after wine. Like chalk and dead bleeding grapes.

Lights are flashy overhead. Pretty sure that’s just my eyelids talking to me.

Goddamn webcomic marriage shit. Way to make feel worse, assholes!

Okay, Screwdrivers now. Not drunk enough to blog.

Game strategies are not life and death. I would do well to remember this.

I am a little ashamed that I would do unspeakable shit to current freshmen.

Fucking hell. Why are so many younger girls so hot? I feel like an asshole when I want to put it in every hole. Gah.

I am past the point of giving a shit. I want Steak ‘n’ Shake so that will be lunch tomorrow. I must slumber.

Begone ye demons! Approach no longer my soul laid bare with boozeaholing!

Stupid Lines in Otherwise Good Movies

Posted: March 20, 2009 by pred3000 in Uncategorized

We all have favorite movies.  We also think that, no matter their faults, they are perfect and represent the pinnacle of cinema.  Well, my job is to find the truly cringe worthy lines in these movies.  Not just bad lines.  No, I am talking the lines that make you blush when you hear them, make you talk extra loud to your friends when you are showing it to them, make you shut off the DVD player and consider never turning it on again.  When you read these lines again, you will wonder why you ever watched these movies.

Mathis’s pointless narration during the card game in Casino Royale-You know what I am talking about here.  During the card game, Mathis makes the most pointless narration in the history of narration, from stating the amount in the pot long after we know that information to explaining to audiences how exactly to call a bluff.  News flash: People know how to play cards.  Poker nights are quite a popular weekly event.  We don’t need some old guy explaining it to us.  Plus, within the movie, it destroys and semblance of tension you were trying to create.   Here’s an idea…why not just SHOW us what is happening rather than tell us?

“Dipshit, did you call, moi, a dipshit?” from Terminator 2: Judgement Day-It’s the moi that kills this.  No, frankly, it’s the entire thing.  Edward Furlong makes a terrible John Connor.  I don’t care if he was the first…he has so far been the worst.  For the future savior of mankind, he sure is a whining little bitch.  Oh, and get a haircut.  Seriously.  Anyway, this line was essentially to brag about having a terminator programmed ot obey your every command.  I don’t know about you, but my first reaction to this would not be a moi.  If it was Kristana Loken, my first sentence would be something along the lines of “sexin time.”

“I’ll be home in time for cornflakes!” from Total Recall-Second Ah-nuld film on the list, but neither lines were delivered by him.  Some would question why “give dese peeple ah-ur” is not on here, but that line isn’t bad, just fantastically hilarious.  Anyhow, this line is delivered right near the end during a Bond style narration of the sinster plan.  If this is meant to be a spoof of such scenes, then the line….sucks.  Can you picture Dr. No saying something like “I will kill you and go home to my delicious Crunchberries?”  No?  I am not surprised.  This villain doesn’t seem to realize how breakfast food totally undercuts his menace.

“I like…Shrek” from I Am Legend-I may be pushing the definition of “good” film with this one.  But this line still deserves special recoginition.  This line nearly killed the film.  I mean, we have been blessed with awesome vampire killings, and then this special tribute to Shrek comes out of nowhere and makes Will Smith look like a complete tool.  I had no idea he was under Shrek’s payroll.  And did I mention the vampires?  Well, what the hell does Shrek have to do with fucking vampires?!
“Quick, to the top of Mount Wanna Hocka Loogie!” from Finding Nemo-Frankly, I have always hated the “just keep swimming line” but people have told me this is because I have no heart.  Well, then, this is the runner up. But seriously.  Pixar is noted for being at least somewhat intelligent.  Why settle for one of the stupidest puns in history?  Didn’t they know puns are never, ever funny?  Especially puns of this caliber?  They might as well have had Yakov Smirnoff do a bit halfway through the film.

“Are you going to accuse him of something?” from Dark City-This line is delivered by a distraught wife at a police station.  My first reaction was “no princess, they want to take him down to the police station to give him a cookie!” My second reaction is to dive for the fast forward button.  For such a smart script, surely they could have come up with something better.  The worst part of all is that the cop doesn’t treat the line like garbage (by, say pistol whipping her) but instead responds as though this is completely normal.

“Eat Floor….High Fiber” from Batman Returns-Pause for a second and imagine Christian Bale saying this.  That scream of terror you just heard was probably you.  Michael Keaton doesn’t have this problem…he is a comedian.  But, Batman definitely has a problem saying this sort of garbage.  He is the Batman,  not some guy trying to impress the drunken crowd on open-mic night.  This line demonstrated just how low the cinematic Batman was willing to sink.  Luckily, he never went over the line until that old guy in the feather boa took over the director’s chair.

There are plenty of other garbage lines out there.  This was merely all I had the energy to stomach.